Advice on how to dramatically change your life.

About seven years ago I ended my marriage. No-one was really to blame, let's just call it a mistake. I spent many years unhappy, so to seek solace from my misery I turned to Television. It was my crutch. My bottle of 'Jack Daniels.' My drug of choice. T.V. has a way of numbing you to the point of absorption: you are in another world that thinks for you, entertains you, informs you and controls you. On that fateful day of my self-imposed freedom, I had a life altering choice to make: To either buy a T.V., hook it up to cable and continue to be a couch potato OR choose to give it up completely and permanently. There and then I made the decision that dramatically changed my life: I gave it up.

 So, what do you do when you no longer have T.V. in your life? You start living. I ventured out into the world and started dating. Man, how things have changed! I met intelligent, empowered, insightful, compassionate, wise and wonderful women that taught me so much about me, them and how we interact. I was shown a different view, a new slant on the world. I was enlightened. I became a better man. I eventually found my future wife. Could all of these things have occurred had I not given up T.V.? Possibly, but not likely. I would have become part of the furniture, my eyes fixed to the screen.

Giving up T.V. on that fateful day started a domino effect that is still continuing today. With time on my hands during the evening hours, I ventured out into society. I ended up at a restaurant that hosted an 'open mic' night. I was feeling melancholy that evening but I decided to try my hand at fifteen minutes of stand-up comedy. I sat at the bar jotting down some notes and snippets creating a rough draft of my short routine. During my time slot, I 'killed' them. I left them laughing. I discovered a hidden talent.

While being out in the world, dating, I met a very interesting woman. What was interesting about her was her loud, boisterous laugh. A genuine laugh, not forced or phony in any way. I thought that she'd be a great audience for my comedy material. I offered to show her some things I had written and sure enough, she laughed until tears ran down her cheeks. After she regained her composure  she looked me in the eye and asked if I had written anything serious. I answered, I didn't. "You should," she said. I told her I would. Later that evening I laid in bed formulating the basis for my story. I expanded on my idea and spent the next few hours writing a one page short story. I showed it to her the next day. "You wrote this in one night?" she asked. "Yep," I replied. "This is good, you have to write more!" Well, I did, which set off the first domino. I wrote eleven short stories giving me the confidence to apply for a contributing writer's job for two local magazines. I became a columnist. Second domino to fall. Would I have become a columnist had I not given up T.V.? Highly unlikely.

Being on my own after departing the marriage, I was forced to cook for myself. No big deal really, I knew the basics and I could follow a recipe. Soon, after preparing my own meals, I realized how much I enjoyed doing it. I took great satisfaction in improvising and creating different meals for myself. I experimented more. I cooked for women I dated. I cooked for family members on holidays. I expanded what I was. I grew as a person. I learned to cook. Did this come about due to my extra time without T.V? Probably.

With still more time on my hands in the evening hours, I searched for a hobby to keep me occupied. I responded to a local newspaper ad looking for people who liked to sing. I had been singing non-professionally all of my life so I decided to join. While practicing at the band leaders home for a spring concert called, "The Italian Festival," I noticed boxes and boxes of books stacked by his front door. "What's with all the books?" I asked. "I'm thinning out my library. Do you want them?" Being an avid reader but never finding the time to read when I was married, I quickly answered, "Yes." I took home over 200 books and dug in. I increased my reading speed, my vocabulary, and boosted my knowledge of grammar and semantics. I became more intelligent. Could I have achieved this sitting like a vegetable on my couch? Nada.

So now I'm singing. I meet a fellow musician who is the band leader of a jazz, swing and standards band. I ask him if he needs a new lead singer. He informs me that he does. Soon I am lead vocalist for the 'Swingcats.' I must learn many new songs and memorize new lyrics. I perform with the band. I meet new people. I grow as a person. I played the drums in grade school and had a 'garage' band. I decide to take them up again and purchase a new set. Soon I am playing again and getting better and better. I enjoy playing drums. I have expanded my inner talents. I have grown as a person.

My latest venture is this blog that you are currently reading. The third domino to fall. Since giving up T.V. my I.Q. level has risen 21 points and I am creative and productive. Since I get all my news online and from National Public Radio, I am no longer spoon fed the news that T.V. supplied to me. I can make an unbiased decision regarding the news. I am not inundated by daily news shows that are more fluff than fact. I don't have to watch or care about Jon and Kate and their houseful of kids. I don't have to sit through hours of Michael Jackson news and tributes. I don't have to guess what killed Anna Nicole Smith. Will the results be the same for everyone that gives up the T.V? Obviously not, but I guarantee that your life will change for the better.

Advice on how to beat a traffic ticket.

     If you think flashing some cleavage at the patrol officer leaning in your window is going to get you out of that, "failed to stop at stop sign" ticket, you're sadly mistaken. I tried it and all I got was another ticket, "attempting to bribe a police officer!" Be that as it may, there are some traffic violations that you can beat in court if you know how. First, let's be perfectly clear: some tickets you will absolutely not beat. If you run a red light and "T-bone" a passing car, you're gonna' have a hard time wiggling out of that one. If you run through a stop sign at a four way intersection with a patrol car on all sides of you, there's another one you might not win. But because there are literally hundreds of traffic infractions that you could incur during the course of just driving to the nearest 7-11, you might be able to beat some of them.

     The first thing you need to do is to be prepared. Keep a small notebook and pen in your glove compartment to take notes when you are first pulled over. Note the day, time, traffic conditions, weather, and most importantly where the patrol officer's car was when he or she spotted you allegedly breaking the law. If the officer decides to cite you for an infraction and you are absolutely positive that you did not commit the said infraction, by all means DO NOT ARGUE WITH HIM OR HER! Say nothing, but take or make notes of what the officer says to you. THIS IS IMPORTANT!
    
     In order to win your case you will have to go to court. Do not fear this. The law states that every person is innocent until proven guilty. Do not fear the judge or be intimidated by the court or it's proceedings. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HIRE A LAWYER IN ALL CASES. If you have done your homework and follow my advice, you have just as good a chance to win without one. To get started, you will have to prepare your case. You will do this at home.

1) Gather information.
     If possible, go back to the exact location of where you received your ticket and take pictures. Take pictures of where you were. Take pictures of where the officer was when he or she spotted you. Take pictures of traffic flow, and any other pertinent locations. Develop these and be ready to use them.
Supply any and all pertinent information regarding your car, it's uniqueness, it's status in society. If it's a high performance sports car, note that. If it's a 'Yugo' on it's last legs, note that too. If you have high performance tires, brakes, handling, note these too.

     Make a large, easy to understand detailed schematic of the site where the infraction occurred. Note the direction and location of your vehicle. Most importantly, note the direction and location of the officers vehicle. Note traffic lights, stop signs, gas stations, convenient stores and pedestrian cross walks. Be extra thorough!
If you have recently taken a driver improvement course, bring this with you to court. This next piece of advice is most important: WRITE DOWN EVERY QUESTION THAT YOU INTEND TO ASK THE PATROL OFFICER WHEN YOUR DAY IN COURT ARRIVES!

2) In court.
Believe it or not, just showing up to court on the appointed day can win you your case. If the patrol officer fails to show up by the time your case is called, your case is dismissed. You win! Do not rely on this. Dress for court. Wearing a suit or business wear to court makes a very good impression on a judge. If you own one, bring all your files and photos to court in a brief case. If you don't own one, a metal file holder or a professional clipboard will suffice. Your name will be called when it is your time to approach the bench. Do not panic and try to stay calm. A friendly demeanor or a smile wins people over. Never approach the bench with a "chip" on your shoulder. The judge will acknowledge you and your infraction. He or she will ask the officer to speak first and explain his or her reasoning for giving you the infraction. No matter what the officer says stay calm, do not interrupt and keep quiet. You will get your chance.

     After the officer has said his or her piece, the judge will then ask you if you have any questions for the officer. IT'S SHOWTIME!  Time for you to go to work. Inform the judge that you do have questions, face the officer and as calmly and as succinctly as you can pose your first question. Give the officer ample time to answer. Ask your questions in a breezy tone and do not get riled or flustered by whatever the officer says. Stay focused. Right here, right now it's your word against his or hers. Your number one job here is to convince the judge that the officer erred in judgment when writing your summons. Use all of your notes, pictures and pertinent information to support your argument. Offer to show the judge your facts. Stay cool and calm throughout. If you have presented a convincing enough rebuttal, the judge will likely rule in your favor. Thank the judge and be on your way.

     Best of luck, Ray.

For Women only : Understanding Men and why they do what they do.

*Editors note*  I may be at risk of alienating a small portion of the male species with this following article but the men that I point a finger at don't necessarily read these types of articles anyway. I do not claim to know every man, nor do I claim to be a perfect man. I am merely providing my opinion and observations. I call 'em the way I see 'em. Any intelligent man reading this will most likely not see themselves included in some of the generalizations that lie ahead. -ed.

Men. How I hate to be lumped into that group. But I am a man, guilty of some of the mistakes that accompany being a man, but I try to rise above. As an observer of men, I have a bit of insight into why they act and behave as they do. I believe women are entitled to share in this information to help them understand. Here goes!

Men are idiots. Not all, but most. History has provided  large numbers of men who defy my first statement, but mostly, they're idiots. Only a man would yell, "Hey! Watch this!." Which usually leads to sirens, paramedics, fire hoses, destruction of property, bandages and casts. A woman would never do this. The ensuing laughter caused by the aforementioned scenario is usually attributed to women. Men shoot each other while hunting in the woods. How big of an idiot do you have to be to mistake a two hundred twenty pound man wearing a bright red hat for a fawn? Even deer laugh at those guys. Men blow limbs off making bombs. Men kill each other over a pair of sneakers. Men routinely destroy perfectly good relationships with women for the most ridiculous reasons. Let's dig deeper into that one, shall we?

Besides being idiots, most men have zero confidence. Why? Maybe they weren't nurtured as a child. Maybe they were constantly put down, humiliated or compared to another child, their own shortcomings always being pointed out. Any number of issues can result in low self-esteem or lack of confidence. In a relationship with a woman is where a man with these attributes will try to prove himself. He's the guy looking for an affair. He's the guy who will cheat. He will run the risk of losing everything just to prove himself a man in his woman's eyes. Then, of course, is the other side of the spectrum : EGO MAN! This guy is a legend in his own mind. He has bought into society's perceived idea of what a man should be, hook, line and sinker. He is a force to be reckoned with. He's the controlling guy. The guy who monitors his woman's every move, her friends, her money and the amount of freedom he is willing to dole out. He is a jealous man. Doesn't even let another man look at his property. But he is not alone. Low confidence man is jealous too! He is afraid  that the guy sitting on the bar stool next to his girl friend is going to snatch her away when he goes to the men's room. A man of true self-confidence has no interest in any of this behavior.

Ever wonder why he doesn't call after that supposedly wonderful first date? Besides being idiots, most men are cowards when it comes to communicating with women. Most are awkward with words and fear saying the wrong thing. He won't call you because in retrospect some minute detail about you has turned him off and he doesn't have the nerve to tell you that he doesn't want to see you again. It's less painful for him to just ignore you. Silly and rude behavior.

By now, most women know that most men are visually stimulated. If they see something appealing to the eye, the little head takes over. This can cause relationship problems down the road. Most men would love their wives or girlfriends to be Miss America beautiful with runway model shapes and porn star techniques in the bedroom. Welcome to the real world. If your husband or boyfriend cares nothing about the aforementioned statement, consider him unique and yourself lucky. He truly loves you for who you are no matter what you look like. He is in a minority. For the rest of the male population who can't handle a woman's physique after childbirth or accept a woman's form as it ages, those men will most likely cheat, avoid sex or limit sex, making a woman's life miserable. There is no viable excuse to be made for this behavior.

Men are almost always in competition with other men. This makes them selfish. This makes them roll over and attempt sleep after three minutes of love making. What? You weren't satisfied? Too bad, it's all about him. The truly confident man feels no need to compete. He doesn't have to have it all. Selfish is not in his vocabulary. He is the man who will spend hours making love to a woman ensuring that she is satisfied too. Ladies, if you have one of these, consider him unique and yourself lucky.

Men are capable of horrific atrocities. They wage war against each other. Men, women and children are all targets. Women need to remember that although men are classified as Homosapiens, they are mammals too. They are animals still evolving. They are primitive. Some have progressed past this and have shown a great capacity for compassion and beauty. All men should aspire to this. But some barely walk erect causing pain and embarrassment to the rest of us. My hope is that one day all men will suddenly realize that there is this wonderful, compassionate, loving, caring, loyal creature next to them who can be their best friend too. A woman.

Advice on quitting smoking.

Smoking has become just another personal attribute among many that seek to divide and differentiate us from each other. The 'smokers' and the 'non-smokers.' The smokers cannot hide. We see them standing outside banks, schools, restaurants, department stores, libraries, any place where smoking is banned. They stand there no matter what time it is or what the weather conditions are. Sometimes they sit, huddled together enjoying a cigarette. Or cigar. Or pipe. Or joint. Sometimes I think certain people would smoke anything that you put in front of them. There is a certain amount of animosity towards each other regarding smoking. Non-smokers don't enjoy breathing smoke while they're eating, at the theatre, or in small confined rooms. Non-smokers don't like to be near ashtrays or smell the smoke permeated in someone's clothes or hair. Most smokers are oblivious to these conditions. Hence, the animosity. I myself, am a non-smoker. But, I had to endure second hand smoke for at least half my life. I know many people who smoke. I have lost love ones to the ravages of lung cancer. It is painful, it reduces a persons dignity and it is heart wrenching for those who have to watch.
On the third Thursday of November annually, comes the American cancer society's great American smokeout. This group is dedicated to helping smokers break the habit. Current research shows that smokers are more likely to quit if they have access to some means of support.
Such as:
Counseling
nicotine  replacement products like nicorette gum or the nicotine patch.
telephone smoking cessation hotlines
prescription medicine to help reduce cravings
guide books
support and encouragement from family and friends.
If you know and love someone who smokes, pass along this advice. You would try to stop a friend from jumping off a bridge to kill themselves, right?

MEN: Going bald? It's not as bad as you think!

I know, I know. I'm broaching on a delicate subject. But somebody has to talk about it. I'll be as gentle as I can. "Hey loser, is your hair abandoning your head faster than rats from a sinking ship?" Was that gentle enough? For what it's worth, I suffer the same fate. I too create a glare under bright lights. So, what are we to do about it? Well, the first thing to do is to STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT! Worry fuels stress and stress can do terrible things to a person. One example, make their hair fall out. So, the more you worry, the more you lose. Chill out, dude. You have options!

OPTION # 1
Embrace your baldness.
Guys, do you still adhere to the notion that baldness is a sign of being emasculated? Not true. Do you think anyone ever pointed a finger at Yul Brynner and laughed? How about calling Telly Savales a "sissy boy?" Vin Diesel a "girlie man?" I think not! Would you want to play basketball against Michael Jordan? Tell Bruce Willis his Die Hard movies suck? Point out to Curly of Three Stooges fame that he's NOT a ladies man? Alright, maybe the last one isn't such a good analogy, but you get my drift. Today, bald has a new definition. A different perception. If you feel powerless over your hair loss, seize control. Take a razor to your head and claim victory! YOU now have the final word on the subject. YOU have chosen to be bald, not the other way around. I myself opted for that shiny smooth look. Unfortunately, the combination of my oddly shaped egg head together with my goatee AND my rather large frame, added up to me looking like a mass murderer. Not the kind of guy you want to take home to 'meet the parents!' In fact, after seeing a snapshot taken of me, I quickly let whatever I had grow back in. So, I am not a good example. But, if you think you have a nicely shaped head, consider the razor. If, on the other hand, bald is definitely not an option for you, then consider.....

OPTION #2
Pharmaceuticals
Wouldn't you know it but purely by accident some people taking the blood pressure drug Minoxidil started to grow hair on their heads. Go figure! Today, there is Rogaine. The makers of Rogaine state that "only some may experience hair growth on very specific areas of the scalp." Not very reassuring. If that little tidbit of information doesn't deter you, consider this: A one year supply will average you about $220.00. Now, how about potential side affects like: Rapid heart beat, chest pain, light headedness, dizziness, sudden unexplained weight gain (think Uncle Fester of Addams family fame) water retention, scalp irritation, the list goes on and on. Still not deterred? How does that saying go, "Fools rush in............."

OPTION #3
Science.
Men in white lab coats yielding scalpels have come up with a solution: Implant someone else's dead hair into your head. Gross! But, look at the upside: you'll never need a haircut again! Not for you? How about having hair taken from the back of your head where it's still growing strong and having it surgically implanted on your bald spot? This can also be done. But, you'd better have deep pockets for those two. Is money tight during this sinking economy? Consider..........

OPTION #4
Have a rug installed over your flesh floor.
A WIG! Right! No one will ever guess! No one will ever notice how one day you resembled Sean Connery but the next day you looked like Howard Stern. No one will ever notice that you NEVER need a haircut or the forever absence of gray. Of course the upside is that after 30 years your hairstyle will finally be back in vogue. Isn't that comforting?

OPTION #5
The comb over and the perennial baseball cap. The first suggestion is sadder than the end of Titanic and the second one never works well when you are in a three piece suit or a tux. Unless of course, you're Michael Moore. I do not recommend either of these.

So, in closing, it is my personal view that you should opt for option #1. It's the manly thing to do. And for all you men out there already bald who choose to grow that great big beard and moustache, here's an observation: You look like Lenin. No, not the Beatle, the communist!

THE ROAD TO HAPPINESS

That very popular 70’s show, “The Partridge Family,” had a line in its opening theme song that told us to “c’mon get happy!” Great advice. But is it that simple? Maybe not, and I should know. In March of 2007, a woman who I was casually dating broke off our relationship citing the fact that, “I was not happy.” “Wait a minute,” I said. “You’re not breaking up with me because I don’t make YOU happy. We’re breaking up because you think I’m not happy. Have I got that right?” Her reply: “That’s right.” At the time, I commented on how it was a “lame excuse” and that I was very happy. Today, after much thought and introspection, I have concluded that she was right. I was not happy.

But that exchange happened almost three years ago and a lot can change in that amount of time. I’ll discuss those changes later but for now I would like to explore what ‘happy’ is. ‘Happy’ is purely a state of mind. It is not a place you can visit. It is not something you can touch, see, hear, taste or smell. It cannot be weighed or counted. You cannot buy it or sell it. You cannot force it upon someone but sometimes it can be taken from you. Webster’s New World Dictionary defines “happy” as “having, showing, or causing great pleasure or joy.” So, ‘happy’ is the end result of something that brings you pleasure or joy. Which means that it will always be different for everyone.

As a human being I am constantly being exposed to things that make me ‘unhappy.’ Global warming, gas prices, food prices, the state of the economy, war, man's inhumanity towards his fellow man, my children’s coldness, all make me unhappy. In my quest for happiness I realized that most of the above I had no control over and could not change. Nevertheless, I was determined to be happy.

So, how do I get happy? First, I made a list of everything that I could think of that makes me happy. It was a long list. The stark reality of that exercise was that I no longer had those things in my life. Time, distance, culture, my age, my commitments, along with a few other factors, removed much of what made me happy from my life. My list included but was not limited to:
1) Being in love
2) Music
3) Friends
4) Cinema
5) Reading
6) Writing
7) The gym
8) My car
9) Time for play

I realized I wasn’t putting enough effort into incorporating those things back into my life. But, since compiling my list I have met my ‘soul mate,’ my ‘other half’ so to speak and find joy being in love. I have made new friends and acquaintances that bring joy to my life. I have started expanding my record (yes, record) collection to include the kind of music I love and that brings me joy. I rent more classic movies to watch at home. Movies from my childhood. Movies I enjoyed. I have found time to read again. I have started writing this blog site which you are currently reading. I extract great joy from it. I have joined the local Y.M.C.A. and try to exercise more. I will take my girl, pack a lunch and go for long drives in the country. And lastly, I have found time to play. I have increased the number of things that brought me joy, thereby making me happy.

So, in closing, my advice today is to tell everyone to be happy. How? Make a list. Check it twice. Bring happiness back into your life. But first, be happy with yourself. Like yourself. If you’re under the delusion that money will buy you happiness, forget it. True, money buys toys, and toys can bring you joy, but like a toddler, you will lose interest and put them down. Well, maybe not a jet ski. Or a Ferrari. Or a cabin cruiser. Or a vacation traveling the world. Alright, I stand corrected. Money does buy happiness. Forget the whole thing.

Winter and your car

If you own a car and do not have access to mass transit, your least favorite time of year is approaching : Winter! I get chills just typing the word. I have a few suggestions on how to make winter and your car work together.

1) When winter roads start to become hazardous, release some of the air in your tires. A slightly flatter tire provides a little bit more contact with the road. I recommend setting the pressure at slightly above half of the maximum recommended pressure for that tire. That information is found on the outside of each tire. In very small letters.

2) When is the last time you replaced your wiper blades? If you can't remember, it's time to replace them.

3) Check the fluid level in your windshield washer fluid reservoir. Make sure it is full.

4) Check the fluid level of anti-freeze in your overflow reservoir. Make sure it is full to it's capacity. If you haven't changed your anti-freeze in over three years, it's time for a fluid change.

5) Keep a flashlight in your glove compartment and check the batteries every three months.

6) Keep a warm blanket, raincoat and two gallons of distilled water in your trunk if possible. It's better to be prepared for an emergency than to try and improvise during one.

7) Have you ever changed a flat tire on your vehicle? Do you know if you have a working jack? A tire iron to remove a wheel? Does your spare (if any) have air in it? If it does, set the pressure to what I suggested in tip # 1.

8) Flares, reflective HAZARD signs and a small emergency medical kit are all great to have in your trunk just in case.

9) If you have a cell phone, keep a cell phone car charger in your glove compartment.

10) For better night vision during storms or rural driving, change your head light lamp bulbs to the brightest halogen bulbs allowed for your vehicle. Your local auto parts store clerk can help provide this information and if you ask him or her nicely, they just might install them for you.

11) How old is the battery in your car? Most batteries have a five year life span. Cold temperatures can quickly drain a battery's cranking power. If the five year mark is approaching, consider replacing your battery. On most newer foreign cars, a dead or dying battery will most often harm your alternator causing it to fail as well. Another good reason to replace your battery.

12) Try to keep your gas tank full as much as possible. There are many reasons to do this. First, since a property of gasoline is to easily vaporize, keeping your tank full reduces the amount of air space available for your gas to vaporize into. The gas in your tank will last longer this way. Second, every gallon of gasoline in your tank adds weight over you car's rear wheels. If you have a rear wheel drive vehicle, this helps provide your car with more traction. Third, if a big storm hits and power goes out to a large area, gas stations may close due to lack of power. Having little or no gas in your tank may strand you at home or on the road. And finally, if the power goes out at your home and you have to rely solely on electric for heat, you can always climb into your car, start it up and run the heater to keep warm. I DO NOT recommend you do this if your car is in an enclosed area OR if your car currently has an inadequate muffler.

13) If you know in advance that a snow or ice storm is coming, lift your windshield wipers off of the windshield. This will help you scrape ice or snow off without damaging them.

14) If a snow storm is imminent, park you car at the end of your driveway closest to the street. You will have less snow to shovel out of your way to access the road.

15) Slow down. Be safe, Ray.

Good advice for help losing weight.

I mentioned in a past article that I spent some time as a personal fitness trainer. I got involved doing this after personally losing over 70 pounds and taking second place in a bodybuilding competition. This happened in 1996. Today I would like to share information that helped me accomplish this. Note that this plan may not work for everyone. Those with diabetes or strict food requirements may not be able to use this advice. Consult your personal physician before implementing this plan.

As a personal fitness trainer I realized the similarities shared amongst my clients as to why they were all over weight: Their lifestyle. By lifestyle I mean specifically what they ate and when they ate it. We have enormous control over own own body's metabolism. It can be manipulated in three ways: 1. The amount of food eaten. 2. The content. 3. The frequency by which we eat.

For example: Let's say that you are a working individual. You go to a job every day. You leave your house every day without eating breakfast. You wait until 12:00--1:00 p.m. to have lunch. If you didn't bring lunch, you will have to eat out. Your choices are quite limited if you only have a certain allotted time to eat. So, you eat fast food every day. When you arrive home, other aspects of life take precedence and dinner is not served until 6:00 or 7:00 p.m.. You consume a large meal, relax on the couch watching 'survivor' until you hit the sack at 10:00 p.m. Congratulations! You have the metabolism of a dead person, the main reason why you are overweight. If you continue to live this way, you will grow steadily heavier each year. There is one way to reverse this process: Change your lifestyle.

To explain how to do this let's examine the three ways to manipulate your metabolism starting with the frequency by which you eat. This is the biggest impact on metabolic rate. Eating only twice a day slows metabolism to a crawl. Eating FIVE times a day speeds it up. Eating five times a day with THREE HOUR INTERVALS is the best frequency for maximizing your metabolism.

Now let's examine the amount of food to eat. If you are now eating five times a day, every three hours BUT you are consuming enough food each time to feed a small nation, you're eating too much. A SMALL PORTION is what you are striving for. Each portion should take no longer than five minutes to eat. Or if you prefer, enough food to almost fill a nine inch dish. Basically, eat just enough food to fill you, but still feel a bit hungry when you're done. This will help you look forward to your next meal three hours away.

Finally, it's time to examine content. Because this aspect will be different for everyone, I will provide you with the basic formula, you will provide the ingredients. But first you will have to alter your perception of what constitutes 'breakfast,' 'lunch' and 'supper.' To accomplish this simply view your meals as MEAL #1, MEAL #2, MEAL #3 and so on. You will have to greatly expand what you used to consider as traditional 'breakfast' foods to include a GREATER VARIETY.

Here is the formula for your five meals:
MEAL # 1. You want to eat foods high in protein, carbohydrates and fat. WHAT? Do you think I'm insane? I may be but not when it comes to this. Protein enriched foods help feed your body's muscles and muscles burn fat most efficiently when energy is called for. So, eating a large amount of protein during the day is ESSENTIAL to weight loss. This first meal must also contain a large amount of carbohydrates. Why? The carbs you eat for breakfast help supply your body with energy during the course of the day. Do you know how sometimes you get sleepy around 2:30-3:00 p.m.? It's because your body is running out of carbs to burn. This is why it's important to eat carbs for breakfast. You must also include foods high in fat in meal # 1. Your body REQUIRES a certain amount of fat to help with different functions.

MEAL #2. As with meal #1, you'll want to eat a large amount of protein. You will also eat a medium amount of carbohydrates but you will NOT EAT foods high in fat if possible. There will be fat included in the food you choose for meal #2, so try to limit those foods that are naturally high in fat. Red meat is the highest with chicken, turkey and fish being the lowest.

MEAL #3. As with meals 1 and 2, keep your protein intake high. Now you will cut your carb intake down considerably. And again, no fat or very low fat foods for this meal.

MEALS #4 and 5. These meals you'll want to eat only foods high in protein if possible. These are the two hardest meals to get accustomed to. If you simply must eat some carbs, eat a small salad or some steamed vegetables with these meals.

Eating this way on a daily basis will help you lose weight. When you finally reach your goal weight and want to maintain that weight, simply add a SMALL amount of foods containing carbohydrates into meals 4 and 5. If you start to gain weight again, simply adjust the amount of carbs for those meals.

Here are some tips:
If you are not sure or confused about which foods contain protein, carbohydrates or fat, this information is available in book stores and on the internet. Don't rely on friend's or relative's advice. Go to the source.

Eating 5 times a day means lots of food preparation. Do this during the weekends or evenings. Cook large amounts of food each time and then separate it out into convenient bags for travel. Usually, meals 1 and 5 will be eaten at home so this is not a problem. The other 3 will have to be mobile unless you eat out for lunch. Remember to adhere to the formula as much as possible so make wise choices in restaurants or diners.

If possible, try to eat meal 5 no later than 7:00 pm.

Drink plenty of water during the day. When drinking water with your meal do not drink water as you eat. Drink some water after you have consumed your meal. Why? Because water dilutes your natural stomach acids. Ideally, what you want is for your food to be well coated and absorbed in this acid before diluting it with water.

Keep salt intake as low as possible. Salt retains water in these proportions: 1 part salt retains 100 parts water. So keep salt out of your meals if possible.

After the third or fourth day of implementing your lifestyle change, you will wake up very hungry. This is the first sign that your metabolism has sped up and you should start seeing the first signs of weight loss. Do not get discouraged and do not step on the scale every day. Check your weight every month for a true barometer of your progress.

Here's a tip just for the ladies: Do you know those days when you just crave sweets and chocolate? Try to refrain from eating those at night but include them in meal # 1. Your body will most likely burn off these BAD foods during the course of the day. Try not to make it into a habit.

If some of you readers out there decide to implement my plan, write into a comment box that you are, so I and everyone else can follow your progress and please pass along tips that you have discovered along the way. Best of luck, Ray.

WORLD'S BEST ADVICE FOR MEN : THINGS TO BUY YOUR WOMAN FOR HER BIRTHDAY!

*Editor's note: As a rule I prefer my advice to be all-inclusive whenever possible. Due to the fact that today, with so many relationship choices, i.e., man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, man and sheep, woman and vibrator, it would be impossible to advise all the combinations because of time constraints and page constraints. Some of the following content may apply to you and some may not. If you feel left out, I extend my apologies.--ed.

Men, what I am about to share with you is better than knowing in advance who's going to win next year's World Series. I have the answers to the question you have been asking since the moment you exited the womb: What the hell do I buy my wife for her birthday? But, before I supply you with this priceless advice, we must first make sure that the definition of the term 'birthday present' in regards to your wife is understood by all.

The following are by all means NOT examples of birthday gifts for her:
1) A new lawn mower.
2) A vacuum cleaner.
3) A garden hose.
4) A weed whacker.
5) A three ton floor jack, a mechanics 'creeper' or a 'Snap On' five drawer fifty-two inch tall tool box.
6) ANYTHING that once belonged to YOUR mother.
7) A new set of tires for her car.
8) Fifty yard line box seat season tickets to ANY NFL games.
9) A shopping cart full of stuff from the 'Dollar' store. It's all about quality, not quantity.

Now that we understand that it's HER birthday and it's not about YOU, let's continue.

Here are my suggestions:
1) A personal massage gift certificate. As long as your lady is not opposed to being semi-naked in front of anyone but you, you're in!

2) Sexy underwear. Did you ever walk by a 'Victoria's Secret' and notice all the guys in there? Guess what? They know something you don't: Women love it when YOU buy them sexy underwear. They enjoy buying them for themselves but the impact is not the same. Why? Because they know how much you hate to shop, let alone in a store full of lace, spandex, satin, and leather. Don't have any clue as to what size she wears? It's very simple Sherlock: Go into your bedroom, open the top drawer of her dresser and remove a bunch. Her size is listed on most tags. Now, write that down before you forget it!

3) Smelly stuff. Don't know what your lady's preferred perfume is? Unless she is bone dry, you should find some bottles either in the bedroom or the bathroom. If she has a dressing room or a dressing table, you might find them there too. If you should decide to ' wing it' and buy her something other than what she wears, a word of advice: Perfume is like art. It's very personal. Just because you like the smell of it at the department store doesn't mean that she might not hurl when she gets her first whiff.

4) Women collect things. Some women like to collect all sorts of useless objects. We have no clue why. Maybe it's so that after we dopey men blow up the world, they'll actually have a use for all that stuff. Until then, we can use these collections to 'add on.' She will just love one more ceramic elephant.

5) A full day 'spa' package. This, she will love. Mud on her face, goop in her hair, paint on her nails, strips of hot wax on her nether regions and sandpaper rubbed on her feet. Who wouldn't love this?! What we consider torture, they consider a 'tune up.'

6) The watch. Women have been using this simple solution as to what to by US for years. It's time to turn the tables. Buy her a nice watch. If she's into 'Disney' characters, find a watch with characters on the face. Same goes for 'Winnie the Pooh,' 'Snuggles,' and 'Care bears.'

7) Listen for hints!! She knows what an oaf you are, and your lack of imagination, so she'll drop subtle little hints throughout the course of the year in regards to her birthday. When she does this, WRITE THEM DOWN! You might have a decent list compiled by the time her big day arrives.

8) Sports accessories. Does you lady like to bowl, ice skate, ski, fish, hunt or go camping? Purchase some personal accessories for her sport or hobby. A tent does not apply. A one person sleeping bag does.

9) Clothing accessories. Notice, I typed ACCESSORIES. These include: Gloves, scarves, ear muffs ( in her favorite color, of course) and socks. Steer clear of shoes, hats, pocket books, purses, belts and bras. Unless you like to live dangerously.

10) A clothing store gift card. Yes, cash disguised as plastic. Go shopping with her and give her your input on what she's trying on. Better yet, shop FOR HER while in the store giving her a sense of your style. This will help her pick out things to wear in the future if she cares to dress for you. DO NOT EXPECT THIS! If she does, consider it a special gift to you.

One more thing: NEVER EVER purchase a vibrator for her. Once she realizes that there is something out there that can satisfy her for more than three minutes, never run out of energy (until the batteries go dead) or roll over and go to sleep, you are history. Happy shopping!

How to get married ---------on a budget!

Remember back in the good old days when people had money? You could buy a house, a car, a big screen television, a whirlwind vacation, get married. Today it's so bad that individuals who used to be billionaires are now only millionaires. Boy, life is tough. But life goes on. Let's say for instance that you want to get married. You've finally found your perfect mate. The love of your life. Someone who shares your likes and dislikes. Someone who DOES eat tree bark or believes in the healing power of crystals or who thinks that an UZI is a 'must have' fashion accessory. Your 'soul mate.' So, what do you do to tie the knot without spending a fortune? If you're a woman, getting hitched for the first time and your last name is Getty, Trump, Rockefeller, or Kennedy, skip this article and go shopping. But if you're a young couple just starting out or you're two divorcees who've 'been there, done that,' the following advice may save you thousands on your wedding costs.

1) Invitations. Let's face it: Do you really need old English script on antique white parchment paper that contains two white doves that are released when the intended guest opens it? Overkill. Of course you could entertain using the other side of the spectrum: Pen ink written requests on cocktail napkins sent by carrier pigeon. What? TOO tacky you say? How about something in the middle? Make your own! Today's personal computers have software installed in them that enables the user to create a customized invitation. It's not hard to do. After you've configured your 'invite' all you need to do now is drive down to your nearest office supply store and buy 'card stock.' A box of 60 costs around $20.00. Simply put the card stock in your printer and watch it print out your invitations. Fold them, stick them in an envelope and you're done.

2) Your dress, his tux. Does it have to be white? Does it have to be new? Does it have to be yours? A formal white evening gown is a viable option. They are considerably less expensive than a conventional wedding dress and you can get more use out of it. What about finding a used one on Craigslist or EBay? How about renting one for the day. There are plenty of websites that let you rent one for the day. Does your intended own a nice suit? If he doesn't, how about a friend or family member. Borrowing or buying a nice suit can be cheaper than renting a tux for the day.

3) The place. Do you absolutely have to get married in a church or chapel? Most churches and or priests charge a pretty substantial fee for this service. To save money, consider having a justice of the peace marry you both. Arrange to have the marriage ceremony performed in the same place that your reception will be held. This saves your guests from having to find some place to go in between the ceremony and the reception. Don't have the money to rent an expensive catering hall for your reception? What about an upscale restaurant with a large private room. How about a local hotel or motel with a nice conference room? Book traveling relatives or friends there and save them the hassle of trying to find an address in a strange city or town. Would you consider a 'Knights of Columbus' hall or a 'Moose lodge' or a V.F.W. hall to house your reception? Most of these places have kitchens inside their meeting halls which will allow you to bring in your own food. Getting creative can sometimes save you thousands.

4) The food. Having friends or relatives volunteer to cook food for your wedding decreases your costs too. Most restaurants offer outside catering services to most any location. They sometimes provide waitresses and servers for you. Don't have enough money in the budget to feed everyone? Consider spending a little bit more for your wedding cake. Most wedding cakes are nothing more than plain chocolate or vanilla cake mix with a sugar frosting on top. Boring and forgetful. Serve your guests a cake TO DIE FOR! Choose many layers with mouth watering fillings. Black forest cake and German chocolate cake are two examples. Serve coffee, tea and soda instead of alcohol. Provide those new 'designer' potato chips, pretzels and a choice of dips to go with the meal. If alcohol is a must, purchase bottles from a supplier if possible and buy your mixers from a 'bulk' store like SAM'S or B.J.'s Wholesale club.

5) The ride there. Do you really have to take a limo from your home to your wedding ceremony? Does a friend or family member own a large sedan or s.u.v.? How about someone with a classic car or roadster? Imagine pulling up in a model 'T' or a 1968 Chevy Camaro.

6) Photos or video. Hiring a professional photographer can be expensive. Since practically everyone on the planet owns a digital camera, cell phone camera, or small hand-held video camera, include a little blurb on your invitation suggesting that everyone who plans to attend bring something along. Another great idea is to purchase those inexpensive single-use film cameras that you can buy for about $5.00 each and place one or two on each table where your guests will be seated. Leave a little note next to them inviting them to take as many pictures of your happy occasion as they'd like. The cost for developing them will be cheaper in the long run. As your guests depart supply them with your email address and ask them to send you the pictures they've taken. Load film stock paper in your home printer and press 'print.' You'll have enough to fill an album in no time. Or, download them onto a CD and send everyone a copy. Oh, and keep one for yourself.

7) The rings. Big tip here: SHOP AROUND!! Prices on rings vary greatly from store to store. Do they have to be gold? 10ct gold is a viable option. How about titanium, sterling silver or stainless steel? Has a parent or relative passed down a ring to you? Consider using one of these.

8) Wedding favors. Can't afford hand blown glass figurines as wedding favors for your guests? Time to get inventive. Try purchasing a roll of colored cellophane film like the kind you wrap Easter baskets in. Cut it into 10' by 10' squares, make a pouch out of it and fill the pouch with Hershey kisses and a one dollar gold coin. The bank sells these for a dollar. Tie the pouch up in ribbon and 'voila,' you have a wedding favor. Your guests can keep the coin as a souvenir or spend it at the 'dollar store'! Good luck and best wishes.

When it's no longer necessary to speak

The Queens, New York neighborhood that I grew up in during the sixties, easily numbered between 50 and 60 kids. We were an adolescent melting pot consisting of Italians, Germans, Irish, English and Africans. Most of us were second or third generation, and we all spoke English. When we weren’t in school, or confined by inclement weather, we were outside because that’s where everything happened. It would not be uncommon to see thirty kids playing tag or stick ball. We would discuss amongst ourselves all the topics of importance: who had the most baseball cards? Who received a new bike for their birthday? Who knew anything about the birds and the bees? Who wanted to be what when they grew up? Our mothers would stand on their porches and call out for us at dinner time, and after literally inhaling our food, we’d practically tear the screen door off its hinges trying to get back to our friends. The only delay would be the obligatory questions from our parents in regards to our day. Outside, we’d play various games until dark until our numbers started to dwindle as our mothers would once again emerge, yell and depart.
No one feared the outside world. If a stranger ever wandered down our street looking for trouble, a child to prey on, he was met by an undivided front, fearless in the protection of one of its own. If all of our collective parents didn’t know each other by name, you can bet they knew the names of every kid from our block. We were a community. If somebody fell ill, or got caught up in drugs, or was in a family crisis, we cared. There were no secrets. We’d never think twice about gathering at someone’s home to offer our help. We held block parties, birthday parties and sleepovers. Our mothers played cards with each other on Wednesday nights and volunteered their time to be den mothers when we became cub scouts. At night, in our homes, we’d watch television together, laugh together, talk to each other.
Fast forward to today. Seldom do you see children playing outside. A child will spend hours alone with a “Game Boy” or “X-Box” or a “Wii.” And those are not exclusively for children. Adults will not hesitate to do the same. A lot of teenagers have discovered “online gaming,” where many of them can log on to a game screen and using a microphone and an assumed name, can communicate with each other while gunning down various antagonists. All while safely alone in their rooms. I can’t speak for anyone else, but the whole concept just creeps me out.
Today we have Facebook and Myspace where kids and adults volunteer personal information about themselves while silently waiting for someone to come along, notice them and then start to “chat,” letting their keyboards do all the work. The days of, “Tell so and so that I like them,” are gone. So are formal introductions. And then there’s email, which has practically replaced the telephone and the spoken word as the new means of communication. No longer do you have to look someone in the eye and tell them they’re fired. Or, you don’t love them anymore. Or, a loved one has died. You can safely hide behind your keyboard, express any thought or emotion, and never say a word. Today, a conversation between two people using their mouths and ears is almost as outdated as a cassette tape.
How did we ever survive without a cell phone? A marvel of our time. The freedom to talk to virtually anyone, anywhere at anytime and how have we, as thinking mammals with functioning voice boxes exploited its versatility? By “text messaging” each other. Genius! Again, we can sidestep the intimate quality of the human voice and read our messages instead.
There are countless numbers of websites that help you find friends, lovers and trysts. No longer do you have to wash up, dress up, and mosey on down to the local bar, supermarket, bookstore, church, or restaurant to meet someone new. Your keystrokes will break the ice and you can pour your heart out to cyberspace. Granted, for those amongst us who are painfully shy this is a godsend, but there is no substitute for the excitement you feel when you are face to face with someone new, look them in the eye and say, “It’s really nice to meet you!”
My opinion is that the modernized human race is slowly evolving into a species that will eventually come full circle. Thousands of years ago we started out as individuals living in caves with no formal means of verbal communication. Slowly, over time, we learned to speak common sounds that would translate into language. From there we taught each other, shared ideas, and connected with each other. We became a community. But the gameboy and online gaming and dating sites and personal sites and emails and text messaging require little to no oral communication. We can isolate ourselves and not have to speak to each other. All sense of community will be lost. We will revert back to what we were: alone, in our caves typing away as our keyboards do all the talking. I can see it now: I’m ninety, in a nursing home and I’m trying to get an attendant’s attention. My bedpan needs to be emptied, but keyboard is useless because, just my luck, I have arthritic fingers. People, talk to each other!

* Used with permission by The Next 50.

CAR TIPS: GAS MILEAGE, WINTER DRIVING, DO IT YOURSELF

Gas prices have started climbing again. It's us against them. Every mile we can squeeze out of a gallon of gas, we win. Here are some helpful tips; some you may know and others you may not.

1) TIRES. Pressure is the key word here and how it affects mileage. During spring, summer and fall, inflate your tires to 4-5 pounds BELOW the maximum recommended pressure printed on the side of each tire. Can't find that information anywhere on the tire? That's because the manufacturer doesn't want you too. Properly inflated tires last longer than improperly inflated tires. It's a no-brainer here. In the automotive world, 32 pounds of pressure is an industry standard. Every garage, tire outlet, and wheel alignment shop all set tire pressure to this number. It's a conspiracy! So, who stands to gain from this practice? The tire manufacturers AND the oil companies. How does this seemingly trivial disparity affect your gas mileage? In two big ways: First, because it is made of rubber, the more air you pump into it, the larger it's circumference grows. And second, as this happens, because it is attached to the rim, the narrower it gets in the process. So what, you may say. Geometry, I say. Those of you who went to school and who actually stayed awake during math class know that as any circular object increases in circumference, the longer it takes to make one revolution. In this case, it covers more ground. Think about it: If your tire is 52" around at 32 pounds of pressure but at 40 pounds of pressure it grows to 52 1/2" around, you cover an extra half inch with every revolution. Now, a half inch may not seem like a lot but over the course of a mile it adds up. How about an extra 50 feet per mile! So, think about how much extra ground you would cover on a 400 mile trip. This translates to more miles per gallon. In this article I mention how a tire gets narrower the more it inflates. How does this help MPG? Well, a narrower tire has less surface area as it rolls along the pavement creating less friction between the tire and road. And we all know what friction does: it slows you down. When tire friction slows you down, your engine has to work harder to keep it at speed. Using more gas. Can you feel your wallet emptying as we speak?

********************IMPORTANT WINTER TIP********************
When bad winter weather approaches and the roads become hazardous, LOWER THE AIR PRESSURE in your tires! What! Didn't I just tell you to pump them up? Yes, but in winter driving with slick and slippery roads, you need as much tire rubber making contact with the road as possible. This increases traction. No, not the traction that comes with a hospital bed, a rope and some pulleys. The traction you'll need to keep your car on the road. How much to take out? It varies from tire to tire but inflating them to just above half of what the maximum is, should do the trick. Is your gas mileage going to get worse now? Not really. You will tend to drive more slowly during these times so it should all balance out.
One more thing: Make sure your car's alignment is correct. An improperly aligned tire will create added friction and we know what that does.

2) Slow down, Mario Andretti! Would you like to see a SIGNIFICANT increase in your gas mileage? Would you like to see me pull a rabbit out of a hat? I never COULD master that trick, but I can tell you how to do the first one. While you are driving, unless you are merging onto a highway, pulling a heavy load, or fleeing pursuing law enforcement (O.J. Simpson excluded) there is no reason to rev your engine to more than half it's rev potential. What's a rev? The actual definition is unimportant here but to say that your ENGINE'S speed is measured in revs. If your car is equipped with a TACHOMETER, that device tells you how fast your engine is going. When it comes to miles per gallon, the goal here is to keep your engine running slowly. Why? Fast engine= more gas. Slow engine= less gas. Pick the best one out of the two. How do you keep your engine slow? Short shift. If you are driving a standard shift car, and you want to accelerate from a dead stop, you DO NOT have to rev the engine all the way up until it screams. Shifting from gear to gear every time your car reaches 2000 on your tachometer will GREATLY improve your gas mileage. Granted, your right hand and arm will be moving faster than you've been accustomed to but think of the savings!!
Here's another tip: DO NOT down shift to slow your car down. The gas money you save far outweighs the cost of brake pads.

3) THE AIR FILTER. A dirty air filter restricts air flow to your engine. Your engine mixes gas and air to make it run. Less air= more gas. Replacing your car's air filter is something you, the reader, can do yourself. Hey, don't run away, come back here. It's not as hard as you think. The hard part is FINDING it. Years ago when engines had carburetors, the air filter sat inside the big black round thing that sat on top of the middle of your engine. You would unscrew a wing nut, lift off the top and 'voila', there it was. It was round and dirty. On today' s cars they could be anywhere.
Look for them to be inside a plastic box of some sort. It might be a round box (huh?) or a square box. It will have duct work (huh?) leading from the front top or bottom of the engine compartment. Look for something with large, removable metal clips that you would undo to lift out something or to separate something. If all else fails, call your brother-in-law. He's not busy anyway. When you do find it, remove it, stomp it to death for costing you so much in gas money and replace it with a new one.

4) WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU REPLACED YOUR ANTI-FREEZE? If you don't remember, you're overdue. The industry standard is about every two years. Keeping your car from over heating and freezing in the winter time is important. Why? It keeps you from walking.

How to paint the inside of your house like a professional

Paint. An ugly five letter word. Not in regards to liquid colors in cans, but more specifically to "The act of." Nobody likes to paint. Not even painters. Why do you think some of them drink all day! But occasionally it has to be done and somebody's got to do it. I HAD to do it as part of owning a business but in the interim, I became a MASTER painter. So here, now, in this forum, I will share my painting knowledge. (Ladies, at this point, warm up the printer, you'll want to copy this." The following is strictly for painting the INTERIOR only.

1) Tools you will need.
A four foot extension pole. You will use this to paint the ceiling and walls.
An 18" roller holder. This device screws on to the end of the extension pole and adjusts to fit the 18" roller sleeve. Why an 18" roller? It is easily THREE times faster than a nine inch roller AND it covers more evenly leaving less paint 'lines' caused by excessive paint at the rollers ends.
1 wide paint pan that accommodates an 18" roller.
1 9" roller handle and sleeve for small areas like closets and narrow areas.
1 4" roller handle and a bag of roller sleeves. These are fabric sleeves that come with a hole at one end to attach to the roller and fabric covering the other end enabling you to paint both sides of an INSIDE corner at once.
1 2" angled brush. This is a brush whose bristles have been cut at an angle. Here's an important tip: buy the most expensive brush your supplier offers in this size. It performs an important task and you will have it forever (granted you clean it after each use.) What is this important task? You will use it to paint a crisp, clean line between walls and ceilings or between walls and molding.
A ladder comes in handy as does tarps, lights, rags, a radio, some beer. The beer is to celebrate when you are finished. No drinking on the job!

The following is for painting NEW CONSTRUCTION (unfinished, sanded drywall) and REPAINTS (changing existing colors of a room.)

Priming the room. I always suggest priming a painted room with primer. If deep colors cover the walls, primer re-seals them and it will take less coats of new paint to cover them. Here's a tip: have your paint supplier tint the primer to match the color you've picked. It's free and it will take less coats of color in the long run. Use white primer if your ceilings will be white. Let's get started.

When priming a room I always start with the ceiling. By now, you should have your 18" roller all set up and ready to go. Fill the paint tray. Extend the extension pole two feet out and dip the roller sleeve into the paint. Do not excessively cover the sleeve with paint but roll it until it's evenly coated. Start painting in a corner of the ceiling keeping the roller from rolling directly over your head. Having the poles total length of six feet helps accomplish this AND it keeps paint from falling in your hair. Long, smooth, strokes are what you want as you spread the paint over and over the same area until you have good coverage. An 18" roller covers a large area quickly so it's important to keep rolling until all the paint 'lines' are gone. You will find this task much easier than with a nine inch roller.
Time for the walls. Contract the extension pole back to 4' and start the walls. Load the sleeve up and place it on the wall approx. 8" from the floor and roll it straight up to the ceiling in one long movement. Roll back down the same way moving left to right a little bit each time you make a pass. One dip in the pan will cover a swath about 24 to 26" wide so remember to roll until those paint 'lines' are gone. Start the next swath of paint about 3" away from the previous swath starting 8" from the floor again. Roll left to right covering the space between the old swath. Don't forget: long, straight, smooth strokes are what you want. Here's a tip: DON'T ROLL TOO FAST!! Physics teaches us that a spinning cylinder covered in liquid tends to rid itself of liquid in projectile fashion. You'll have less paint splatters the slower you go.

So, now that you've painted the walls and ceiling, it's time to 'cut in' the inside corners. Grab your 4" roller handle and slide a 4" roller sleeve on it. Dip the roller in a small tray making sure to cover the fabric end of the roller sleeve amply. Starting near the floor, position the roller into the corner and move up the walls. Notice how the rollers end paints the wall adjacent to the wall with the 4" body of the roller? Long, straight strokes are what you want. Now, take the roller and reverse it so that the fabric end is now painting the opposite wall. Use a good amount of paint on the sleeve each time you start a new spot. Roll out ALL the inside corners in this fashion.

Now that you've primed and cut the room, it's time to paint with color. If you are painting the ceiling in flat ceiling white, paint it exactly the way you primed it. If you are painting the ceiling the same color to match the walls, skip this step.

After you've painted the ceiling with flat white it's now time to 'cut' the ceiling. You will use the 4" roller handle but with a new sleeve (or wash out the old one thoroughly.) How you 'cut' the ceiling is like this: Dip the 4" roller into the tray but not very deeply. You DON'T want any paint on the fabric tip this time. If a little gets on it's okay but try to keep it as dry as possible. Roll off any excess and place the roller on the ceiling rolling the dry fabric end against against the wall. Again, long, straight strokes and roll the paint smoothly over the already painted ceiling so as to cover evenly. You may get a small amount of paint on the wall, but do not worry about this. 'Cut' the ceiling to all the walls in this fashion. Congratulations, the ceiling is DONE!! Now for the walls!

Paint the walls precisely the way you primed them only this time, make SURE you stop short of getting paint on the ceiling. Get as close as you can without touching. After the walls are painted, it's time to 'cut' the walls to each other. Get your 4" roller and a new sleeve. Repeat cutting the walls the same fashion as you primed them. Keep the small roller from hitting the ceiling too. After the walls are 'cut' it's time to 'cut' the walls to the ceiling. This is where the job gets tough. It requires a ladder, good lighting and a steady hand. Pay close attention to my instructions.
Almost fill a large, round container with paint. The size of a 'BIG GULP' container. Take your 2" angled brush. Dip the brush half way into the paint. Remove the brush and slide one whole side of it against the container removing all the paint from one side. Apply the paint loaded side of the brush to the wall. Note: place the brush about 2" below the ceiling on the wall. The brush should almost be laying flat against the wall. At this angle and by pushing on the brush slightly, the angled bristles fall into line behind each other creating a thin line of bristle. Slowly glide the brush over the wall keeping pressure on it to keep the bristles straight and in line. The paint should come off the brush in a pretty straight line. Practice this on the wall for a bit and slowly get closer and closer to the ceiling. As you get closer to the ceiling be careful not to let the brush touch. The paint you have applied will be dripping by now so take the brush and using the flat part of it, spread the dripping paint evenly on the wall. This technique takes practice, but once you have mastered it, you will never need to tape a wall or corner again. Keep practicing on the wall beneath the ceiling until you can paint almost a straight line. You will do the exact same thing to 'cut' your walls to base molding, or door and window molding. Remember to wash out any brushes, pans or trays in a timely fashion. Good luck, Ray

The 'DO' and 'DON'T' of Internet Dating

For all you folks out there in cyberland, either in the middle of or about to embark on using Internet dating sites as a way to get shot in the butt by 'Cupid', here is some invaluable advice.
1) Pick a site. Gee, how they have multiplied! Today, there are plenty to choose from. Some sites act as nothing more than a database where you the user do all the work, navigating from profile to profile trying to determine winners from losers, sane from stark raving mad, saints from sinners. If challenges are what you seek out of life, go with these. Other sites require you to fill out PAGES AND PAGES of information regarding EVERYTHING from 'favorite color' to 'if you saw a person crossing the street carrying a 'WOOLWORTH'S' bag and they were hit by a speeding ambulance carrying a heart attack victim whose wife cheats on him, would you shop at 'WOOLWORTH'S'? THESE sites do most of the matchmaking chores for you providing you with the number one person for you on the planet. Good luck with that! I'm a strong believer in balance, so find a site that helps as much as possible but gives you plenty of options. Remember, variety is the spice of life. I think a Sultan said that.
2) LIES, LIES, NOTHING BUT LIES! Everyone knows what a lie is. Our mothers taught us about those. Remember how soap tastes? Sorry to bring back painful memories but I had to make a point. Every site you choose will make you fill out a PROFILE. This is what represents you to the love searching world. This is where you will provide pertinent information about yourself. This is where you will lie! And we all know about lies. They can lie dormant for years until one day they show up at your door. Then, the truth comes out. So, where am I going with this? When filling out your initial profile information you will be confronted with questions like: AGE, BODY TYPE, PERSONALITY, LIKES AND DISLIKES, etc., etc. You will be given a list of choices to answer all of these questions. This is where you'll want to lie, but this is the most important place to be honest. 'AGE' is the easiest place to lie. Don't fall into this trap. If you type in 41 but in reality look like your grandmother or grandfather, there's going to be some 'splaning to do. Nobody likes surprises. Under 'BODY TYPE', if you've put on a few extra pounds since high school graduation, be honest. Type it in. If you are so thin that your feet leave the ground when the wind blows, type that too. Again, no one likes surprises. Be honest about your 'LIKES' and 'DISLIKES' choices too. If you click on the 'CANDLES' choice for 'LIKES' and the only wax that can be found in your house is in your ears, YOU'RE LYING!
3) DON'T SPILL THE BEANS! It is not necessary to write every single nuance about yourself. Leave something for the imagination. Be a little mysterious. Not, 'UNI BOMBER' mysterious, but leave some things out for later conversations, or for revelations during that ride to 'meet the parents'. Save some of yourself so you'll be interesting. If not, you'll have nothing to say to each other during that all important 'first date'. Can you say, "Awkward silence?"
4) FOOLS RUSH IN! Anybody know the difference between love and infatuation? Good!, so you all know that a small profile picture and some words on paper don't always measure up when face to face. Let's say that you've found someone interesting on your dating site and they are interested in you too. You've spent a week and a half exchanging emails, chatting on the phone, flirting a little and a fondness has developed between you. Finally, the night of the big date comes. You meet, but after five minutes you both realize there is NO chemistry between you and sadly you both go home feeling lonely and depressed. Happens all the time. One way to keep this from happening is to limit email and phone conversations between you and your new 'possible' but meet each other at a neutral, busy place like a coffee shop or a bookstore. Set up the meeting after only a few days so as to not have too many expectations unmet. In essence, keep your heart guarded until you've met and let nature take it's natural course.
5) IT'S A NUMBERS GAME! The odds that you'll meet Mr./Ms. right on the first date are like me getting a guest shot on 'OPRAH'(but there's always hope!) Take it from me, you are going to go on a lot of dates before you hit the jackpot. And this is good. It will keep you from 'settling' on the first person with a pulse. And whatever you do, NEVER ACCEPT A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL ON THE FIRST DATE! Unless of course, the other person has a Lear jet, chateau in the Swiss alps and a Ferrari!
Happy hunting. Ray.

Help me rid the world of "You know," "Like" and "umm"

There is something that drives me crazy besides trying to figure out why the "Kardashian" women are famous. It's when people incessantly use the fillers, "You know," "Like" and "Umm" while conversing. Umm, like, you know what I'm talking about? You never see people include these words on paper(unless being quoted)so how come they are spoken nonetheless? Because these words are now part of our vocabulary, our culture. We hear everyone else around us using them and so sub-consciously we use them too. And it's only when someone else points out to YOU that you are doing it that you realize it. One afternoon I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop, the one that starts in S and ends in S when I happened to over hear a conversation between a smartly dressed older man and a young woman. They sat right behind me so eavesdropping was unavoidable. After noticing a few "You knows" coming from the young woman who was obviously a college student I started to count them. Sometimes I couldn't count them fast enough which made me laugh, but not loud enough to draw attention to myself. After twenty minutes I had to leave the coffee shop to run an errand but not before counting 157 "You knows" before leaving. I left them there still talking, racking up even more YK's after I left. So what are we to do? You may read this and think me a snobbish intellectual, but I, like others had fallen into the same trap myself. It takes a constant awareness of monitoring my own speech to not utter some YK's. Yet I still slip. Is this a problem on the scale of global warming? No, but habitually using these fillers slows a conversation down, slowly grates on the others involved in the conversation and ultimately makes the user look un-intelligent. The words "You know" and "Like" cannot be stricken from the English language. They still have meaning in the proper context. For example:Do YOU KNOW the way to San Jose'? I would LIKE to take you to bed. There really is no logical need for "Umm" You know?

5 things men need to know about women

Men and women are inherently different, hence the term 'opposite sex.'This is no secret nor does it come as a surprise. Exactly how different we are varies from individual to individual but there are some basic truths that can be explored. Women can read men easier than a Dr. Seuss book but when it comes to men trying to figure out women it's like trying to understand 'Atlas Shrugged.'The following are five basic things that men need to know about women.
1)Sense of humor. Guys, did you ever wonder why we can sit for hours and laugh like mental patients at 'The Three Stooges' while women can't flee the room fast enough? Did you think it's because of the way we smell? Something burning on the stove? Nope, none of those. It's simply this: A Woman's brain is more sophisticated when it comes to discerning what is truly funny. Men, who are stimulated more by what is seen with the naked eye will find sight gags, pies in the face, and banana peel slips much more amusing than women. Women prefer their humor more cerebral and below the surface. They are selective and require more than just someone passing wind to elicit a smile. The C.I.A. of humor, if you will.
2) Confidence. There is a silent war being fought every day. Nobody dies and nobody wins. The war is between one woman and every other woman on the planet. Why? Because we've MADE them that way. You can tell a woman she's beautiful until you're blue in the face but she'll still think that you think that every other woman that catches your eye is prettier than her. You can spend years building up her confidence and easily take her to the basement in the blink of an eye. Admire another woman's face or figure too long and she'll feel small enough to crawl under a door. This is the battle that women face every day. How to be taller than, thinner than, tanner than, prettier than, younger than and less wrinkled than the next woman is their goal. Why? Because of what OUR expectations of what a woman should be. Just look around, it's everywhere. Magazine covers, clothing stores, movies, television, all tell them what they should look like and what men want. Men do not have this problem. They can be fat, bald, gray, toothless, hairy and un-employed yet still not have to compete with one another. The playing field is not level.
3)Arousal. A comedian once said, "Women need a reason to have sex;men just need a place!" There is no greater truth in the universe than this. Men, in case you didn't know it, lying there naked in bed with that stupid grin does NOT make your woman hunger for your loins. In fact, it just makes her laugh. For your woman to want you, certain steps have to be taken, needs to be met. First step, first need: the seed that plants the idea of making love has to be planted and for that she needs romance. What is romance? A loving look from your eyes to hers. Your hand gently upon her shoulder. Your fingers through her hair caressing her scalp. A soft, gentle kiss. Pulling her close to you and whispering, "I love you." Picking her up and carrying her into the bedroom (if she hasn't turned to butter by now) then lightly kissing her neck. For her, this is romance. This makes certain juices flow. This waters the seed that has been planted. The rest of this scenario I will leave to the imagination.
4) Shopping. Men shop with a pre-meditated purpose. Get in, buy what they need, get out. Done. Women don't really know what they want but they have a general idea. The problem is they have too many choices. Who can decide? They must try everything on. To see if it fits? Nope. To see if they'll look better in it than the woman next to them.(See # 2 above) The 'sale' is their ultimate goal. To see how much they can get for so little. It's a contest. We men will pay a kings ransom for a tee-shirt but a woman won't spend more than three bucks. It's the principle of the thing.
5)Why they cry for no apparent reason. There are various explanations for this. One is that their clothes are too tight. (see # 2 above) Another possible reason is that their shoes hurt. Men, put on a pair of heels and walk out to the mailbox. See what I mean? Another reason could be that they have gas. Really, think about it: When have you ever heard her pass wind? Never! She must be ready to explode! THAT might explain why they always go to the bathroom in pairs. I think I know why they cry. They are the reproducers of the world. A world in turmoil, run by men. Men who were babies conceived by them. They feel the guilt caused by the world in turmoil. Or maybe it's just that their shoes are too tight!

Increase your home equity--save money and do it yourself!

So, who here thinks the recession is over? Raise your hands. I count no-one. We're all in agreement that the giant 'R' word is still looming over our heads. And, because of this, you may have lost some built-in equity associated with your home. But fear not: This thing will blow over and when it does your home will be marketable again. So, in the interim, here are 5 inexpensive upgrades that you the homeowner can do yourself to help increase your home's value.
1) Upgrade your bathroom. Second only to a total kitchen remodel, upgrading your bathroom is one thing that you yourself can do to build equity. Replacing that tacky, energy wasting light fixture with a more modern, energy saving fixture is one idea. How about yanking that old, wood and mirror medicine cabinet off the wall too. If you have adequate storage in your sink's vanity, opt for just hanging a round or oblong mirror in it's place. Do you still have those old, pitted, chrome plated towel hangers on the walls? Take them down. There are so many new styles to choose from. Most big box building supply stores have accessory packages that include towel rings, hangers and toilet paper holders all in one. A newer, modern vanity top is easy to install too. Don't forget a new, water-saving faucet to go with it. Add a new coat of semi-gloss paint and you are done. See, now doesn't that look better?!
2) Change-out the knobs or pulls on your kitchen cabinets. Self-explanatory here, simply by removing those ugly, outdated, pitted knobs and handles and replacing them with new modern ones, you can easily and afford ably change the look of your kitchen. Again, the big box stores will have lots of styles to choose from. Here's a tip: not all handles are the same width. Measure the distance between the screw holes for the proper replacement handle.
3) Paint. Oh, stop groaning. You know your house needs it. You might as well do it now. Re-painting the interior of your house is one of the most cost-effective projects that you can undertake. Paint your ceilings in flat ceiling white to hide any imperfections in the drywall finishing work. If you have youngsters, paint the walls in a satin finish. Dirt and fingerprints will wash off easier. If your rooms are small, keep the colors light. Dark colors always make a room feel like a cave. Oh, and PICK A NEUTRAL COLOR! The next owners may not like the Barney Dinosaur purple that you've picked out. Here's the best painting tip that you'll ever receive: Paint the ceiling and walls with an 18" roller. What, you've never seen one? That doesn't mean that they don't exist. Find them in the big box store. You'll need an extension pole, some 18" roller covers (I recommend 3/8" nap) and a WIDE paint tray. Look around the paint section carefully, they are there. Using an 18" setup will speed the job along AND it makes a mediocre painter into a superb painter. This I can personally attest to!
4) Install a Pergo floor. The latest thing in snap together flooring is not that hard to install and can dramatically change the look of a room. You will need to either borrow or buy a small, portable table saw, but let's face it, you've always wanted one so here's your chance. Follow the directions closely and you can't screw up. I advise using a helper for this project. Any extra pair of hands will do. This type of flooring is NOT recommended for wet locations i.e., bathrooms, mud rooms or basements that tend to flood during rainstorms or high tide. Wait for local sales in your area to purchase said flooring and remember to add 10% more to your square footage when purchasing.
5) Window treatments. So, exactly how long have those curtains been hanging on your windows? I don't care if they were your grandmothers', they are ugly and they smell like dust! Rip those suckers down! Here in this century, vertical blinds are the latest thing. Forget those pull down shades, those cheap plastic mini-blinds and the ugly curtains. Vertical blinds come in a variety of materials, colors and sizes. There are websites out there that offer custom made vertical blinds that are EXTREMELY affordable. All you do is pick your material, color and size. You determine size by measuring height and width. The website will give detailed instructions on how to do this. Installation of these custom blinds is very easy too, with easy to follow step by step instructions. Again, pick a neutral color because these will stay with the house when sold. A nicely trimmed window always makes a good impression on a potential buyer. Good luck, Ray

What NOT to say to your lady -------for men only!

This post is for men only so I'll wait while all the women reading this leave the room. hum....hum...hum...la-de-da....hum....hum.. I think they are all gone now.
Men, and I use the term loosely, listen up. The following advice will help save your life. How many times has your girlfriend/fiance'/wife/boyfriend (I don't discriminate) come home from work in a BADDD mood and you've said the absolutely most wrong thing to say causing that, "I'm going to castrate you in your sleep!" look?? What? I can't hear you with your feet in your mouths. Oh!, that many! Pathetic! The following is what NOT to say AND examples of what TO say to your lady. Now, pay attention.
1) "Yeah? You think you had a bad day, well let me tell you about what happened at.........." Wrong, wrong wrong. Your lady has had a bad day. Any number of things could have gone wrong for her. You have no idea the crap she has to deal with on a daily basis. Right now it's about HER. The last thing she wants to hear is how bad your day was. Usually, a woman will mellow a bit during the ride home and let some steam escape. If she walks through the door with smoke emanating from her eyes, the ride home wasn't long enough. What she needs now is compassion and understanding. Women are emotional creatures with sometimes raging hormones that we as men cannot comprehend. The right thing to say is, "Hi honey, you look like you've had a bad day. If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you" Then, give her a big hug. Now, how hard was that?
2) "Hey, are you going to cook tonight or what?" Bad, bad, bad. Where is your brain? Most working women do not make the same salary as men for performing the same job. They are sometimes expected to "Run get coffee,"Pick out a nice birthday present for my wife" and "so and so is leaving, we need a going away cake." President Lincoln might have freed the slaves but some women are still on parole. The last thing she wants to hear while in this foul mood is if she will be expected to perform one more task. Later on, the chore of cooking dinner for you both might not seem like such a bad request but right now, after proposing the aforementioned request, if she had an UZI, you'd look like Swiss cheese. A few choices of the RIGHT thing to say could be: "You look tired. Should I call for a pizza?" "What say we go to that nice, quiet place where we met for dinner?" And the number one thing you could say is, "How about I cook for you tonight?" Then, get out the candles, put on a Sinatra C.D. and roll up your sleeves. She'll think your body's been inhabited by aliens but you will look like Prince Charming in her eyes.
3) "Man! do I get horny when you're angry!" You'd better hide the knives after that one, Einstein! What are you thinking with, the big head or the little one? You'd better get a clue because a woman's libido and your libido are on two separate planets. The way into a woman's pants is through her mind, but right now her one goal is how to kill you but not stain the carpet. Later on, after you've cooked her dinner and shared a bottle of wine, she might be inclined to jump your bones but right now the cookie jar is sealed with a padlock. There really is no right thing to say. She has to cool down, unwind, de-compress. You want to help in that process? Actions speak louder than words. Find a large piece of paper, draw a 'Happy face' on it and hand it to her. Or, run out into the backyard, grab the first flower you see and hand it to her. Doesn't matter if it's a weed, to her it's just the thought. I hope I've been a help and pass along this information to your dopey friends so as to help them too. Bye.

Recession over? Not by a long shot. Part 3

Here's another tip to dramatically cut your cost of living costs.
3) Stop wasting money heating your house! The most efficient way to heat a home is with a gas fired, forced hot air furnace. This is not to be confused with a heat pump. A heat pump is second only to electric baseboard heat for being inefficient for home heating. But because not everyone has a gas furnace heating their home, here is a suggestion on how to lower you cold weather heat bills. Go to your favorite, local big box building supply store and pick up a few small, portable heaters. They generally cost around $15.00 per unit. Look for the non-ceramic type but rather the small fan-forced heating element type. These are 110 volt heaters that draw about as much power as a small hair dryer. How to save $$$ with them is like this: During the night while you are asleep, there really is no logical reason to heat your entire house. You are in your bedroom, tucked snugly under your covers. Realistically, the only rooms you need to heat are your bedrooms so turn your house-heat thermostat down to 55 or 60. The first one up in the morning should then give the house a good shot of heat. These small compact heaters usually come with a thermostat enabling you to set your bedroom temperature to whatever you wish. The heater will cycle on and off during the night saving you hundreds of dollars in fuel costs. How do I know this? I personally have been doing this for years. I own three of them and keep one in my bedroom, one in my den and one in the kitchen. I can keep my heating and electric costs down to under $90.00 per month using this method. If you have kids, put one in their bedrooms too. Also, if your house is empty during the day, lower your house thermostat way down and set your portable heater thermostats down to 65 degrees. This will keep rooms of your choice warm for you when you get home at night. If this works for you, write me with your feedback. Best of luck, Ray

Recession over? Not by a long shot. Part 2

Here are more suggestions on how to weather this recession.
2) Shop wisely. Here's a newsflash: BULK IS BETTER!! If you don't have a Sam's club or B.J'S Wholesale club membership yet, get one! You will save hundreds on certain goods in the course of a year. All of your paper goods are cheaper: toilet paper, napkins, tissues, plastic cups, paper plates, aluminum foil, plastic wrap, garbage bags and paper towels. Bar soap is cheaper in bulk. Most food items are cheaper too. Coffee, creamer, breakfast cereal, oil, eggs and butter. Canned goods, salad dressings, flour, rice, mayonnaise and spices. If you rotate your stock of items so that you are replacing one large item per week, you won't feel the outlay as much. Use your grocery store for last minute items and fresh meats and fish only. The term, "Cheaper by the dozen" really applies to these bulk, chain outlets.

The truth about water

During my illustrious career I did a small stint as a personal fitness trainer. And as a fitness trainer I can tell you that the most important thing that you can do for your body is to drink water. A massive, collective groan can now be heard in cyberspace sounding something like this: "Ugh, I hate water." "Water has no taste, BLAH!!!" "I drink coffee, doesn't that have water in it?" "All I drink all day is soda." Bad, bad, bad! The following is the truth about water.
1) Drinking too much water can kill you. True, but only if you drink in excess of 2 gallons all in one gulp. A few months back there was a story about a woman who died while drinking water for a stunt on a radio show. That outcome is rare but can happen nonetheless. Exactly how much water should you drink every day? 64 ounces. The recommended dose is 8 eight ounce glasses during the course of the day. Why do humans need 64 ounces of water? Our bodies are composed of 80% water and our muscles are composed of 70% water. We need water to survive. Normally, a human body will survive for only 3 days without any water intake.
2) Drinking water will help you lose weight. Absolutely true and here's why: If, on a daily basis you fail to consume your required amount of water to stay alive, your body's life-saving system kicks into action causing your body to retain as much water as possible. The cells directly under the skin will swell with water, sweating will cease and urination will decrease. But, by drinking water your body naturally releases water stored in the skin, flushes out waste water from the kidneys and releases your body from "survival mode." So, the more water you drink the less you store, leading to total body weight loss. And remember, a gallon of water weighs about 7 pounds so do the math. There is one more reason why drinking lots of water will contribute to weight loss: your liver. Why? When you don't drink enough water your body will de-hydrate causing your kidneys to overwork themselves. Some of the kidneys functions are to flush toxins from the body and to regulate your bodies water level. When your kidneys are overworked they look to your liver for help. Your liver will then help your kidneys perform their job, but your livers function is then decreased. One of your livers primary functions is to metabolize fat. This causes your body to burn fat inefficiently causing weight gain. See how everything ties in?
3) Drinking water will cure some headaches. Absolutely true and here's why: Inside your cranium your brain is surrounded and floats in water, your bodies MAIN source of stored water. When you fail to drink your daily amount your body goes into survival mode taking water from your cranium and distributing it throughout your body. As the water level inside your head decreases, your brain can rub against the inside of your cranium causing small bruises which then become headaches. I can personally attest to this last bit of advice. As a young man I failed to drink my bodies natural requirement of water and I suffered from debilitating headaches. Drinking water has cured that.
4) water will give you smooth, clean skin and help build bigger and better muscles while weight training. True. Beer, soda, iced tea and coffee all contain water but there is NO SUBSTITUTE for drinking plain water. Cheers!!!

Too much information

Privacy n., pl. -cies 1 a being private; seclusion 2 secrecy 3 one’s private life.
There was a time when the only information offered up by an individual to an unconcerned world was their inherent religious beliefs. Jews wore yarmulkes, Mennonite women wore baskets on their heads, Amish men wore straw hats, east Indians had dots on their foreheads and so on and so forth. These simple attributes provided information about a person without uttering a single word. A simple gold band or a diamond worn on the fourth finger of the left hand also provided enough information as to whether a person was single or attached. Skin color, eye color, hair color, and eye shape also provide information about an individual.
Long ago, there were certain situations called, “secrets.” If you had one, the object was to not release the information hidden inside the secret. The secret could have been about any number of things: a secret love, a secret pregnancy, a secret crime, secret plans, secret hideaways, secret preferences for a mate. People used to tell each other secrets and swear them to secrecy. The whole concept seems lost in that respect. Occasionally a secret would “get out” meaning someone didn’t hold up their end of the bargain.
Where am I leading with all this? Too much information. It’s the latest catch phrase of the decade. Privacy is dead and buried. And for enough money, you can purchase the contents of a lot of secrets. How did all this happen? I blame “Divorce Court.” If you grew up watching black and white television, then you can remember divorce court. It was in essence the beginning of “Reality T.V.” We would watch in awe as husbands and wives aired their dirty laundry for the world to see, while a judge listened intently before rendering a final decision. It was the ultimate, “fly on the wall” experience. The mildest form of voyeurism. But that wasn’t enough. No, we had to have more. The television show, “The Dating Game” provided America with yet more unsolicited information regarding certain “average Jane” females likes and dislikes towards eligible bachelors. And they in turn volunteered even more juicy, personal and private information. Day after day, week after week, year after year. The same genius behind the dating game also gave us, “The Newlywed Game.” It was inevitable. Push the envelope of privacy just a little bit further. I have to admit, I laughed like a mental patient at some of the answers given. The obvious object of the show was to entertain, but in the process, doors that were meant to be closed were unceremoniously opened. Discretion would be weighed and flaunted. Secrets were no longer guarded with vigor. The “People’s Court” saw to that. Judge Wapner became a household name and a viable celebrity.
Soon, even more signs of unwanted information began to appear. “Mood Rings” came along to alert us all to whether someone was suicidal, homicidal or horny. Pregnant women rode the bandwagon with their BABY tee-shirts, letting the south pointing arrow do the explaining. At least that bit of info. answered the unasked question: too much pizza and beer? Soccer moms hung their “baby on board” signs from their mini-vans and station wagons. More unsolicited information. Did I really need to know that? Was that meant to squash any premeditated notion of myself gleefully ramming my car into the back of theirs? I think not. Oh, and lets not forget bumper stickers. Aren’t we all better off knowing that so-and-so’s child is an honor roll student at such-and-such school? For some, cars are just rolling billboards enabling them to provide us with too much information.
Tattoos are certainly a colorful way to share someone’s information. Names, dates, locations, religious persuasion and even gender bias can all be gleaned from inked skin. I think of it as someone just screaming for attention. Kind of like people who write columns on wacky subjects. Hmmmnn…… anyway, cell phone users fall into the category of individuals providing us with too much of their information. First off, it’s a phone. It’s not two tin cans tied together by string. You don’t have to yell into it for the person on the other end to hear you. Unless of course the other person is deaf. I am tired of inadvertently eavesdropping on other people’s conversations. You are not that important. Your life is not that intriguing. I don’t care what you have to say. And the high tech geeks with “Star Trek” phones pierced through their upper earlobes sound like schizophrenics walking down the street talking to themselves. We used to run away from people like that!
That wonderful invention “The internet” is now providing millions with the opportunity to tell all the world about themselves. “Youtube,” “Myspace,” “Facebook,” are just a few examples of where one can go to gain further unwanted information. We can hear about this one’s rehab stint or that one’s relationship break-up or everyone’s divorce plans even before the parties involved know about it. There are no more secrets. Lives are open books for anyone to read. Papparazzi are every where and are taking pictures of everything. Camera’s in cell phones. Wire taps on land lines. Reality shows permeate the airwaves. Where will it all end? The other day while sitting outside my favorite coffee house, a young woman walked by wearing a tee-shirt that read: nobody knows I’m a lesbian. I thought, “gee, nobody knows that I’m heterosexual, but thanks for sharing!”