HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?!

One of the definitions of the word “Trend” is “A current style,” which forms the basis for this column. It seems that a current trend among certain individuals is to wear their pants far below the comfort height of the masses. While it is within every persons right to express their individuality, there comes a point where such expression borders on ridiculousness and just plain out bad taste. Let’s examine the how’s and why’s of this trend together.

How did it start?
I can only imagine that some youngster, somewhere, had the misfortune to come upon a plumber kneeling before a kitchen cabinet exposing his butt to an unsuspecting world. This youngster, being the innovative leader that he was decided, “Hmmm…I can beat THAT!” and set forth to place his belt loops where no belt loops had gone before. HE was a pioneer. HE was a trendsetter. Sadly, everyone after him who sought to lower their “expectations” was a copycat, a follower, an imitator. It was merely a matter of time before belt loops reached a new low. No one likes to be outdone!

Why would you wear your pants on your thighs? I can only guess at a few reasons.
1) These young men all suffer from I.B.S. (irritable bowel syndrome for those that didn’t know) and have to be able to un belt and squat at a moments notice. Pulling down your pants in a crisis just takes too much time.
2) Maybe all these young men suffer from too much gas from eating spicy foods and this allows them the means to “air out” so to speak. Good for them, bad for us.
3) Maybe it is an attempt to capture the opposite sex. Giving the girls a preview of what’s to come, albeit hidden behind long, cotton, boxers. Kind of like driving a car before you buy it.
4) Maybe it is a way to attract the SAME sex. Let’s be honest boys, you’re showing us the BACK HALF versus the FRONT HALF! Just a theory, of course.
5) Maybe it is a concerted conspiracy by the producers of “Fruit of the loom,” “Hanes,” and “Calvins,’ for a new type of “Product placement,” using men’s behinds as cheap billboards. I’m just sayin’…………..
6) Maybe it is just a statement and that statement is, “I just don’t care anymore about modesty!”

Viewing this trend strictly from a fashion point of view, BOXERS! REALLY! Is that the BEST you can do? They are antiquated at best, have the worst patterns on the planet and do nothing to enhance a young males physique. If you are going to show us something, at least be innovative enough to show us some bikini briefs or go all out and put on that thong that you’ve been hiding in your nightstand. THAT would REALLY set a TREND!

There are many things one cannot do whilst wearing pants around ones thighs. Running is one, climbing would be another, certainly a job interview would not go well as would being best man at your buddies wedding. Unless of course, his pants are around his ankles too. Imagine you are walking to a job interview and a Bengal tiger escapes from the local zoo and he is heading your way. You can’t even run to that tree to save your life. See what a problem this can cause?

Lastly, what this trend does is embarrass people. Who? Women, old, young, married, single, widowed, and in nuns habits. The two people embarrassed the most? Their parents, because this means that they have failed to do a good job. And no parent wants to see their kid walking around with his butt hanging out. THAT usually stops around age five.
Pull your pants up and think of another way to express your individuality. And put the belt companies out of business in the process.
Peace.

A simple cure for lower back pain

Do you suffer from lower back pain? Have you been to a Chiropractor and have been found to have nothing wrong with the vertebrae in your lower back? If this is the case then I have a possible solution to your lower back pain.

A good portion of lower back pain is caused by the tightening of the hamstring muscles. Where are your hamstring muscles? The muscle that runs down the length of the back or inside of the thigh. This muscle allows for the bending of your lower leg to kick yourself in the ass. And I have done that MANY times! But seriously, since the very top of the hamstring muscle attaches to your lower gluteus maximus (your butt) when it gets taught and needs to be stretched, it can be the cause of lower back pain until it is properly stretched. So, how do you stretch your hamstring muscles? Simple. Stand straight up with your feet about six inches apart. Now, keeping your knees straight, SLOWLY bend at the waist, arms outstretched towards the floor, and try to touch your toes. If you haven't done this stretch often, it's going to hurt like hell. That's because the muscle is so tight. Do this three to four times until you can touch your toes. That pull you feel at the back inside of your leg is the hamstring muscle being stretched. These muscles tighten up with age and need to be stretched on a regular basis. I suggest doing this stretching exercise every day about one hour after you have awakened. During this stretch, your knees will tend to want to bend to alleviate the pain. Keep them straight or the exercise will not be done properly. Over time, this stretch will become easier to do and less painful. If you have lower back pain and start stretching your hamstring muscles and notice relief, please write in a comment box describing your progress.

"There's trouble right here in..........St. Cloud???"

Remember that line from "The Music Man?" Well, it wasn't that line exactly, "trouble" was in River City not St. Cloud. But there was a man in St. Cloud who was looking for trouble. What he did and what he got falls short in my opinion.

 I can think of one hundred ways to get into trouble. Coat yourself in honey and walk through the woods after bear hibernation season is over. Create a necklace out of sirloin steaks and wear it as you enter the lion cage at the zoo. Paint a target on your chest and stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery. Wear a fake "afro' wig and a "black power" Tee shirt to a KKK rally. Sell "Tupperware" door-to-door in Detroit. Attach two hundred helium balloons to your lawn chair and forget to load your BB gun. Go bird hunting with Dick Cheney. Fill your FORD "Pinto" up with gas and enter a demolition derby. Attempt to ride your ten-year-old daughter's bicycle off of your roof and onto the trampoline. Start up a chain saw. Claim, "Someone is cheating" during a card game being held in the back room of a gun shop after three cases of BUDWEISER has been consumed. Tell your wife she DOES look fat in THAT!!

So, back to the man in St. Cloud. He strolled into a TARGET store and mentioned to some employees that he was "looking to get into trouble." His idea of "trouble" was to grab a baseball bat from the sporting goods department, take a walk over to "Electronics" and open a can of "whoop-ass" on an unsuspecting 50" plasma T.V. The T.V. pressed charges and the man is happily in jail. I say happily because it is obvious that that's where he wanted to go. Hey, look at it this way: free room and board, three square meals a day and free cable. What may seem like insanity to some could be a way of avoiding homelessness to others. Well, I must be off. I'm heading to my local TARGET store for a dose of trouble. If there is no new article here tomorrrow, you'll know why.

He should have gone on MATCH.COM instead.

One has to pity poor Rodell Vereen (no relationship to Ben) because the man has it bad. He has a "love jones" so bad that he will spend the next three years in jail. The fire of passion burns hot inside this man so much so, that blind love has driven him to make love to the same female not once but twice. You may ask yourself, "and for this he will spend three years in jail," while the female in question has never formally lodged a complaint? Where is the justice?

In Mr. Vereen's defense, the object of his desire, a twenty-one year old filly named "Sugar" must be quite a looker to cause him to be so smitten. "Sugar's" parents thought Mr. Vereen would never be right for her but considered her friend "Ed" to be her perfect match. "Sugar's" parents also suspected that Mr. Vereen was taking liberties with her so they secretly installed a video camera to catch Mr. Vereen in the love making act. When "Sugar's" parents fears were realized at the horrifying sight that the video camera recorded, they went straight to the police and logged a complaint. The charge: BUGGERY!  No, that does not mean the improper handling of a buggy; it means," having sex with an animal," in this case a horse! That's right, "Sugar" is a horse.

According to "Sugar's" handlers, she is depressed and heart broken because Mr. Vereen never calls and did not follow through on his promise to ride her to Niagara Falls. CLICK HERE to read the story and view a picture of this equine Casanova. Men! Sometimes their knuckles still scrape the ground.

Advice For Men: How To Be Friends With A Woman

Men, do you have enough friends to fill a stadium, but when it comes to being friends with a woman you are clueless as to what to do? Read on for some helpful tips. If being friends with a woman is not on your agenda, go back to watching the football game and feed the dog. For those of you who are still reading, here we go!

Being friends with a woman isn't that much different than being friends with your guy buddies. There is a slightly different set of rules and you will have to open your mind to trying different things. First, the rules:
1) RESPECT.
If you are to be friends with a woman, you must show her the same amount, if not more respect than what you would show to men. If you respect a woman, she will be more apt to consider you as a friend. You will have to tone down the crude sexual references, vulgar language and female ogling that you normally share with your guy friends. Oh, and constantly dragging up female conquests of the past is not a good topic for conversation. Unless she specifically asks you to spill the beans about past liaisons to fulfill her own curiosity, stay off the subject. This goes for you married men as well. And if you think that by comparing your current female companion to past companions, in an effort to show the current one that she is superior in every way, FORGET IT! You may mean well, but THEY just don't get it. In their minds, any comparisons are an affront to them and their confidence as a woman. If you think that she's fantastic, just say it. If you are just casually dating and make plans to meet somewhere, be on time. Women also have boundaries that should not be crossed until she gives you the green light. Until such time, respect those boundaries as you would a RED light. A woman will match the respect that you give her in return. If the woman that you'd like to be friends with is your wife, respect should be an ongoing thing. Opening doors for her is such a small gesture, but you'd do the same for your guy friends wouldn't you? Don't expect a woman to share all of her secrets with you either. Women cherish their privacy, respect that too. If a woman shares more with you than she shares with her girl friends, consider yourself honored: you are a good friend!

2) JUST LISTEN!!
One key to being best friends with a woman is to just listen to her. You listen when your guy friends talk about what's happening, give a woman the same courtesy. Yes, her topics might seem strange and yes, her concerns might seem trivial to you and yes, her point of view may be different from what your guy friends' are but these things are not that hard to understand and they are what makes us grow as humans. If you are not the best conversationalist in the world then just listen. Being a sounding board for a woman shows her that you care. This will endear you to her. She will want to be your friend. Try not to be judgmental or get pulled into a gossip trap. She may be testing you. Be a stand-up guy and rise above. She will respect you all the more. You may get an earful of concerns or problems that you have no prior experience in solving. Don't try, you'll most likely get it wrong. Just listen. Women need to vent and sometimes they are venting about men. Open up your mind to see her point of view and you may find your best friend in a woman.

3) ACTIVITIES, ACTIVITIES.
"LET'S GET READY TO...............go shopping?" "Opposite sex" most times also means opposite ideas of entertainment. If your girlfriend/wife likes NASCAR, boxing, football, hunting, fishing, power tools and female mud wrestling, check her birth certificate. She's a MAN! If, in fact, there are no visible scars to the contrary, consider yourself lucky! The rest of us need to be more open minded. This will also be required of your potential female friend candidate. The easiest thing for both you and your lady friend to do is to make two separate lists. One will list all the activities that each of you love to do or are at least willing to try. The other list should contain every activity that you hate or wouldn't even consider trying. Make both lists broad and encompassing. When you're through, compare lists. You HAVE TO have some things in common, or are at least willing to try. I used to be a decent dart player, so I recently put up a dart board. I invited my wife to try it. She informed me that she wasn't ANY GOOD at it. We've played TWICE now and she's already beaten me once! I think she's a "ringer." Sorry, I digress. Guys, you have no idea what activities she may be interested in participating with you until you ask. Same goes for you. Put your "macho" image aside, and try cooking together. Go shopping with her. Grab her by the hand and take her for a long walk. Buy her a rod, reel and tackle box and take her fishing with you. If fishing is not her thing, just let her steer the boat. If you have both decided to partake in sports, try NOT to be so competitive. It won't kill you to lose once in a while. Oh, and NOBODY LIKES a sore loser. Not even your GUY friends. Encourage her and congratulate her when she wins. You do THAT with your guy friends too, don't you? Give her the same.

4) AFFECTION.
No, you fool, do NOT put her in a headlock and give her "noogies!" Nope, not a "wedgie" either. And don't even THINK about snapping a towel at her butt. Show her real affection. Make sure not to illegally cross any boundaries (see above) and always respect her (also see above). If your friendship with a woman is strictly platonic, be careful to gauge your affection accordingly. Consider this too when involved in a friendly, professional relationship. If you seek to be best friends with your wife or girlfriend, affection is the best way to start. I strongly and personally believe that you can't truly love someone who could never qualify as your best friend. When you fall in love with your best friend, there is no better feeling in the world.

If this advice helps you and enlightens you as a man, pass it along. We can use as much help as we can get.

MORE MEN BEHAVING BADLY

Whenever I'm feeling sad I can always rely on a quick search of the web to find human interest stories to pick me up and supply a laugh or two. Sometimes three. If I were to merely recount these stories to you without providing a link to them, you might find it hard to believe I am telling the truth. So, I will do so that you may gaze upon the printed words yourself so you will know that I couldn't possibly fabricate such silliness. I have put together five examples of men being the wacky animals that they are in hopes of educating other men not to follow in disoriented footsteps. In plain English, "don't do anymore dumb things."

Our first story of men without clues comes from Florida of all places. Florida is a fascinating place to begin with let alone the wealth of stupidity that flows from it. People continue to line the shore with houses that don't mix well with wind and water just to get that even tan. I think Florida should qualify as it's own unique country, because it is definitely different from the rest of us. Case in point: If you are a thirty-seven year old guy named Gregory J. Oras you will never work for a fortune 500 company even if you lived to be as old as "Methuselah." Why? Look, I have nothing against tattoos and freedom of self-expression but when you allow your FACE to be inked, at least choose an illustration that was generated by someone WITH SOME DEGREE OF ARTISTIC TALENT! Oh, and make sure you have adequate lighting and a MIRROR nearby too. But these are the least of his problems. When you make a career defining decision to call 911 from the bar you've been drinking at all day to report that you have been beaten up AND that people are shooting at you, that is not a crime. BUT, when you tell tall tales just because you think that the officers arriving to help you are merely there to supply you with a FREE RIDE to the NEXT BAR, you are going to have some 'splaning to do, LUCY!! Oh, and kicking a Pinellas County sheriff's deputy in the knees is definitely not going to get you that ride. You will though, get a ride to jail. CLICK HERE  to see for yourself why you should never design your own tattoos. Let's move on, shall we?

Pet owners are an amazing breed. The lengths they will go to to ensure that their pets are happy and healthy always impresses me. Buy sadly, we can't always be around to protect them from hunger, thirst, flees, natural predators or WACKY ROOMMATES. A 22-year-old Lincoln, Nebraska man named Richard Anderson is just such a roommate. Apparently, he must have been very bored the day that he placed his roommate's cat, "Delilah" into their shared washing machine, for a little SPIN. What a MISTAKE! EVERYBODY knows that cats are capable of washing themselves, and that drying themselves off is where they need some help. He should have put Delilah in the dryer instead. (just kidding......like you weren't thinking the same thing?)
See, this is why YOUTUBE is a dangerous thing. Mr. Anderson videoed Delilah's spin cycle to his cell phone and don't you think his roommate was upset when he found it? Absolutely. Mr. Anderson was cited for animal cruelty. CLICK HERE to see the cleanest cat alive. If you should come home one day to see your cat running in circles, you'll know why.

Say you're a 54-year-old guy living in the sleepy town of Harrisburg and you decide to stroll over to MacEnzi's bar and grill on a Saturday night. No harm in that, right? You have a few beers and chat with the bartender. You have a few more beers and still the bartender is listening attentively. You have yet a few more beers then decide to go home. When you get home you realize that you forgot something and trek on back to the bar 25 minutes later with a beanie pulled over your face. You grab the bank bag containing the evenings cash sales, shove the bartender for good measure and flee. No one will ever know it's you. WRONG! The accommodations at the Linn County jail are nowhere near as nice as MacEnzi's. CLICK HERE to face a third degree robbery charge.

Our next story concerns man and his eternal love of nature. Some guys are just big ole pussycats in disguise like Joel Borden of Clarksville, Tennessee. He's a nature lover yes indeed! One morning while in his kitchen drinking coffee, he is fortunate enough to see a deer roaming through his yard. They are such timid and wondrous creatures aren't they. Surely, Joel can appreciate that. But wait.......this deer seems to be injured, shot by some heartless hunter who doesn't appreciate nature like me, you, and Joel. Joel realizes he must do something and quick. This poor deer may be dying and he has no time to put on his pants, shirt or shoes. No sir, in times like this one's personal comfort must be abandoned. So, Joel races out his back door only in his boxers and sandals, chases the wounded deer into the woods, knocks it unconscious with a TREE LIMB AND SLITS IT'S THROAT. I guess nursing it back to health was not an option. CLICK HERE for some fresh venison.

Our final story of men behaving badly takes us back to (you guessed it) Florida. Throughout history, certain men have come forth to be the great teachers that the rest of society needs. We have looked to these men for guidance, wisdom and answers. That service that men provide is still being observed today. One such pillar of wisdom is 39-year-old Christopher Fred Cady of ST. Lucie county. He came up with a novel idea of how to set an example. Apparently, a boy who received a BB pellet gun for Christmas, shot his autistic cousin with the same gun. No one knows if it was by accident or if the target shaped birthmark atop his cousin's head had any influence over the incident. Nevertheless, Mr. Cady was determined to show the child just how wrong it is to shoot someone. So, Mr. Cady did what any intelligent 39-year-old would have done: He took the pellet gun and shot the kid in the chest to "try and teach him a lesson." Ironically, Mr. Cady was the one who got a lesson. He was charged with cruelty towards a child without great harm and is being held on $500.00 bond. Oh, and to show just how much of a caring adult he is towards children, he was also charged with violating SEX OFFENDER LAWS  by failing to report a name or residence change. CLICK HERE to know that we can all sleep better at night knowing someone won't be doing any parenting for awhile.

ADVICE FOR ALL: ALTERNATIVE CARE FOR AILING LOVED ONES.

People get sick. It's a fact of life. We get colds and the flu and suffer through it until the virus runs its course and leaves us. Those ailments are generally not life threatening. But what about those illnesses where our bodies betray us? The "terminal" illnesses. The illnesses that make us weak, bedridden and slowly rob us of our quality of life. When people have lost all hope, when doctors are helpless, is when it is time to provide as much comfort as possible for those whose days are short. Languishing away in a hospital bed seems to me to be the worst option. There is an alternative: Hospice.

Hospice care is available for those who choose to live out their remaining days in the comfort of their home surrounded by their loved ones. The same care is provided to those who are in nursing homes or assisted living situations. Hospice care is for those individuals who no longer need aggressive care but who are in need of comfort care. Hospice care will treat a patient's symptoms that inhibit their quality of life, including managing their pain.

Each patient will normally get a case manager, usually a registered nurse who has been trained in hospice care. The hospice nurse works closely with the patient and their doctor to ensure that all the patient's needs are met. Most hospice services attach a team of helpers to assist the hospice nurse. A nurse will have social workers, aids who will make sure the patient is clean and kept comfortable, and spiritual care to assist the families of patients and the patients themselves. Good hearted folks will volunteer their time to visit with hospice patients to sit and keep them company, sometimes shop for groceries or join patients who would like to pass some time by taking part in light arts and crafts. Most hospice services will also provide 24 hour on-call services in case of emergency.

If someone you know and love has reached the end of their life and you feel that their last days should be spent in the comfort of their home where loved ones can visit anytime, consider hospice. Hospice care in most cases is provided free of charge.

X-MAS CARDS AND THE POST OFFICE

I received another Christmas card in the mail the other day. I appreciated the time it took for this person to have to physically go to the store, purchase it, drive home, address it, write a little note in it, stamp it, then either drop it off at the post office or stick it in their mailbox. WHEW! That's a lot of work just to perform a simple task. I appreciate the thought. But for me, X-mas cards are a double edged sword. First, being an agnostic, my view of what this holiday season means may not be the view shared by others. This feeling of holiday cheer and good will should be felt and demonstrated year long and not come upon us beginning the Friday after Thanksgiving and ending on new years day. But I digress. Back to the cards. So I have this collection of cards. With every new card that comes I feel more guilty about not sending out my own set of cards, or at least reciprocating to the ones I got. This guilty feeling sucks. It really puts a damper on my X-mas spirit. And then there are the cards I get from folks I haven't heard a peep from all year long. What am I supposed to think here? They only think of me once a year? A verbal conversation is not allowed? A ten minute phone call exchanging pleasantries would  have better demonstrated that they really care versus two lines in a card. Please don't view my comments as ungrateful; I take friendships very seriously and value each and every one. But to think of me only at Christmas seems a bit hypocritical. I think some people view X-mas cards as some sort of moral status. "Gee, if I send out two hundred Christmas cards, I MUST have lots of friends and be so well liked!" I call it the FACEBOOK syndrome. Thinking that you are so popular because you have 642 friends. But how many of those friends would come by to lend a hand on "moving day?" Just as I thought. And how about those press release diatribes that people send out, detailing every single thing that is happening in their lives. A Christmas "form letter!" Talk about impersonal! My advice: forget the cards and pick up the phone. You remember the phone don't you? It was the thing we used to communicate with before "email" came along. Call the people you haven't seen or spoken to all year. Ask how they are. Ask how their children are. Ask how their parents, brothers and sisters are. Tell them what is going on in your life and ask them the same. Say, "it was good talking to you and I wish you well." An "I love you" wouldn't hurt either.

 While I'm on the subject of cards, lets talk about the post office. An American institution in constant ridicule. Post office personnel have the second most thankless job on the planet right behind teachers. Look, their job is very stressful. Imagine being responsible for moving ton upon ton of mail every day. And how do we thank them? We make jokes about "going postal." Ask yourself this: Is there anyone I know that will come to my house, take a letter from me, carry it clear across the country and hand deliver it to someone of my choosing? No one? How about one of your 642 friends on FACEBOOK? And don't get me started about ALL the people who complain about the price of a stamp. Do you think that YOU could physically hand deliver a letter to someone 3,000 miles away for less than 44 cents? Well guess what? People do it for you day after day, no matter what the weather is or where they're going. And they never ask for a "thank you" either. Isn't it amazing the people and things we take for granted? So, the next time you're standing in line at the post office waiting to buy your stamps and the person either behind or in front of you comments about the HIGH PRICE, remind them of our little conversation. And realize one more thing: With email gaining momentum as the preferred method of mail delivery, it's only a matter of time before your mail man or mail woman is out of a job. More stress to add to an already stressful job. Be glad of who you are.
Happy holidays to everyone and peace to all that need it.

THE ABSOLUTE BEST ADVICE YOU WILL RECEIVE ALL YEAR!!!

The above title says it all. The following advice that I am about to give to all of you reading this right now is the BEST you will receive all year. But before I spill the beans, I must first disclose it's origin.

On November 1st of this year I was engaged in a telephone conversation with my mother. Because she is alone and I am concerned for her, we often speak on the phone. The conversation was going its usual way until she mentioned something she had seen on a T.V. sitcom. According to her, an actor on this certain sitcom made a statement, one she thought she had never heard before. The actor said to his sitcom wife that she should unplug the toaster once she had finished using it. The actress asked why. The actor responded that although the appliance was no longer turned on, the mere fact that it was still plugged in meant that the appliance was still drawing current. At that point I am unsure as to what the next exchange was due to the fact that my mother was recounting it. Mom asked me if I had ever heard of this before and then informed me that SHE had pulled practically every plug in her apartment. She then went on to tell me how her ELECTRIC BILL HAD BEEN REDUCED BY HALF since she started this practice. I ran her words around inside my head. I had never heard of such a thing. Even with my knowledge of electricity, having owned a home remodeling business for years, these statements were very new and puzzling. I honestly thought mom had "lost it." I thoroughly questioned her on every aspect of life in her apartment and if she had changed anything else in addition to "unplugging." She assured me she had not. At that point, I realized the only way to prove her claims was to see for myself. I decided on that day, November 1st, to unplug every cord in the house. I left two plugged in: the two behind our bed's headboard, the ones that power our digital alarm clocks. They were too inconvenient to access. The only other things plugged in were mine and my wife's computers, the battery charger to a power screwdriver and the battery charger to a small beard and mustache trimmer.

And then I waited. I made sure to unplug everything immediately after using it. When our monthly electric bill arrived, I was shocked. Because the bill reflects electric usage from mid-month to mid-month, I could only view the results of exactly 16 days worth of unplugging. According to the bill, dated November 18, 2009, the total kilowatt hours used between 10/20 and 11/16 amounted to 882. THAT wasn't the amazing thing. The AMAZING thing was LAST YEAR'S record of usage for the exact same time period (drum roll please) 1,223. AND don't forget that November's bill reflected only 16 days of my unplugging task. A whole month's worth would really reflect my savings.

Now, some of you may be skeptical. But I assure you that the same living conditions, habits, days at home, and thermostat heating temperatures had not changed from year to year. Today, December 22, I received the electric bill for the period 11/16 to 12/16. The total kilowatt usage for this period is 1,376. And as I write this and view the kilowatt usage for the exact same time period last year, I am amazed. Last year's total: 1,680. A difference of over 300 kilowatt hours. In dollars this amounts to roughly a $25.00 savings over last year's bill for December. I expect all following bills to be greatly reduced also.

Now comes the question: WHY ISN'T THIS INFORMATION PRINTED IN GIANT BOLD LETTERS ON EVERY ELECTRIC BILL MAILED IN THIS COUNTRY? Why isn't this money saving, energy saving tip splashed all over the T.V. and newspapers? Why hasn't President Obama held a national press conference telling each and every one of us how easily we can save a SIGNIFICANT amount of money on our electric bills? Maybe he doesn't know. Maybe somebody should tell him. But then, it's easy to see why the electric companies keep this little tidbit of information from us. Imagine the lost revenue incurred by them if every person could cut $20 to $30 from their electric bill.

I intend to shout this information from the highest mountain. HALLELUJAH!! LOWER BILLS AT LAST, LOWER BILLS AT LAST!! Join me America in spreading the good word. Send folks you know here to read this for themselves. Comment on this article if you already know this information. Start an email chain telling everyone how to pocket some extra cash in these hard times. Let's get Congress to pass a bill that all electric companies must publish this TIP on every bill to every customer. If we need a GREEN solution, there is no better one that I can think of. Thank you for your time. Ray.

ADVICE FOR ALL: THEY'RE ONLY A THREAT IF YOU INVITE THEM IN!

If you think the title of this article refers to terrorists who come over to this country to visit and stay, then you are sadly mistaken. I am referring to a more flamboyant group of individuals, VAMPIRES! That's right, those pale skinned folk who always dress in black. And, as the title suggests, you have to invite them into your home before they can wreck havoc on your throat.

And that's the problem with vampires, they are not very discreet. For people who have much to hide, they sure give a lot away. Take America's first mainstream  film vampire, "Dracula" for example. Bela Lugosi, who played the "Count" used to tell folks all the time, "I VANT to suck your blood!" He really let the dogs out on that one. Hey, don't be shy, tell us what your plans are. Not very bright. Like, after that statement we'd just draw a target around our jugulars and say, "have at it." And what's with the black wardrobe all the time? Don't they know what a faux pas it is to wear black after Easter? And TOO much glitter doesn't look good on ANYBODY, let alone the "undead."

Why do vampires insist on telling us they're vampires? Does everyone have to come out of the closet? I don't go around telling everyone, "I'm not a vampire," do I? Vampires have to be discreet or else we'll know that they are different from us. VERY DIFFERENT!!  A guy named "Rocky Flash," is just such an individual. (not his real name)  and not to be confused with, "Rocky Graziano," Rocky Balboa," "Rocky and Bullwinkle," or "Rocky" relationships. Why? Because "Rocky Flash" is the self-confessed leader of the "Vampyre Nation," that's why! Another guy who can't keep a secret. And why should anybody know his name at all or even care? Because this lunatic moron threatened a judge with dismemberment and impalement and not necessarily in that order. This is what happens when mentally unstable, society skill-lacking, self absorbed, delusions of grandeur, attention seeking losers come out of their basements. CLICK HERE to read this hysterical story for yourselves. My advice to all would-be vampires: Forget this "Twilight" nonsense and go watch "Sherlock Holmes" instead.

ADVICE FOR WOMEN: AVOID THIS MISTAKE.

If you're a reader of this blog, by now you may know my opinion of men. I blame them for most of the world's strife and for not striving to become better human beings. But, not all men fall into these categories. Time nor space allows me to name all the good men on the planet but each and every one of us knows one or more. As time passes and I grow older and hopefully wiser, I have noticed a condition or set of circumstances that contribute or cause families to break down and fall apart. I have watched couples that I have known through the years grow further apart and ultimately divorce. I believe I have uncovered a universal root cause: Women tend to ignore their husbands when children are added to a relationship. If your view of women is of the caretaker, then this is a natural thing and should not be looked upon as a fault. In general, women spend much more time with their children unless they have a stay at home dad and the wife is the main provider. Unfortunately, in today's society, both mother and father need to work to support a family. Back to the subject at hand. Of the couple's I have known, in every single instance where divorce divided the family, one key ingredient was always missing: true, unquestionable, love. They never truly loved each other. Most were high school sweethearts that thought marriage was the next logical step in their relationship. But the love we experience when we're young isn't always strong enough to keep a relationship going when kids are thrown into the mix. Couple the fact that most men are selfish and self-centered with a wife whose children demand most of her attention and time, and it's no wonder most men feel ignored and useless. They distance themselves from the family, spend time with their buddies or go off on their own, counting the days until they can leave.

I am not pointing the finger of blame at any one person. I am merely stating the obvious. Men need to take more of an active role in raising children. If a marriage is a partnership then both parents should work in unison. If a man comes home from work after a long day, drops himself on the couch and gets sucked into the T.V. set, he's going to miss out on a lot. By the same token, a woman needs to divide her time between her children and her man. But, some men are already absent from the relationship by the time the kids come along. No amount of attention or inclusion is going to make them stay. Here is where that initial bond of true love comes into play. If it wasn't there in the beginning, and the kids take all of mommy's time, the relationship is doomed. Another big mistake that women make is thinking that by adding some children into a "rocky" marriage, they will be the cement that binds them. This action can go either way, but in every scenario that I have seen this happen, the results were always the same: A long, loveless marriage where the kids are the pawns and suffer in the end.

So, my advice is plain: Marry someone that you are truly in love with. Let children be the result of that love. Let the job of raising them be a joint effort and never take your partner for granted.

ADVICE FOR ALL: A LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT.

Occasionally, I have been known to write articles purely of a humorous nature but the tone of this article is of a serious one. As I grow older and time slips by, I realize that I don't have a last will and testament in place. I don't plan on getting hit by a bus in the near future, but I realize fate has a habit of changing even the best laid plans. After doing much research on the subject, I am prepared to share with you, the reader, what I have learned.

You may ask, "why have a will at all?" To answer that question, a will can protect your assets and minimizes the chances of a contest over your estate. If you die without one, your estate may not be distributed as you choose. A will provides for your family, specifies whom you would like to receive your property, outlines your funeral and burial instructions, creates a trust and/or names a guardian for minor children and specifies who you disinherit.

        THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT WILLS
a) You do not need an attorney to create a will
b) Your will does not have to be notarized (except in Louisiana)
c) Any person over the age of majority and of sound mind can draft his or her own will

        REQUIREMENTS FOR CREATION OF A WILL
a) The testator (creator) of the will must clearly identify himself or herself as the maker of the will whereby creation or "publication" of a will is typically satisfied by the words "last will and testament" on the face of the document
b) The testator declares that all previous wills and codicils are revoked. Destroying all copies of old wills is highly recommended
c) The testator must state that he or she has the capacity to dispose of his or her property and does so freely and willingly
d) The testator must properly sign and date their will. To do so, the will must be signed in the presence of at least two witnesses, but three are recommended. The state of Vermont requires this. Witnesses must be at least eighteen years of age but should not be a beneficiary of said will. It is not recommended that a spouse or children serve as witnesses either. Ideally, anyone who is or can be a beneficiary should not be considered a witness to a will signing.
e) The testator must sign the absolute bottom or end of a will. No lines or spaces should follow a signature. If this is not the case, any text following the signature will be ignored or the entire will may become invalidated
f) Witnesses must be in your immediate presence, must observe your actual signing of the will, and all the witnesses must observe the other witnesses signing the will. ALL WITNESSES MUST SIGN YOUR 
WILL
g) You do not need to read your will to them and it is unnecessary for them to read it. However, they must clearly understand that this is your last will and testament and that you intend for the document to function as your will upon your death

Married couples should create two wills that mirror each other and name the same alternate beneficiaries, executors, guardians and trustees.

ADVICE FOR MEN: HOW TO STAY ALIVE

I am sorry that it has to come to this but men die needlessly every day and I feel it is my civic duty to offer my advice. The following does not apply to all men, but to those who need it, you know who you are.

NATURAL DISASTERS
         1) Floods
          If you are driving down the road and come upon a large volume of water rushing over the blacktop before you, immediately stop the car. Open up the driver's door and get out. Walk to the front of your car. Look left, look right, estimate the depth and speed of the water, scratch the top of your head and get back into your car. TURN THE CAR AROUND AND GO BACK THE WAY YOU CAME!
         2) Hurricanes heading inland.
          Yes, the waves are big and the wind IS really blowing. Now is not the time for a walk on the beach.
And PUT DOWN THAT SURFBOARD, are you insane? No fishing either, Einstein!
          3) Earthquakes.
           Put down the video camera and get out of the house.
         4) Massive snow fall.
           DO NOT TIE THAT SLED TO THE BACK OF YOUR CAR! Or the toboggan. Or the red wagon. Nope, not the bicycle either. And no, especially NOT the kids. In fact, get out of the car. Everything is closed, you have nowhere to go. STAY OFF THE ROOF!

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT PET.
          1) A feeding rottweiler
          2) A polar bear
          3) A grizzly bear
          4) Okay, ANY friggin' bear!
          5) Any feline larger than "Garfield"
          6) A rattle snake
          7) A skunk
          8) A porcupine
          9) Any shark
         10) Your boss's wife at the company Christmas party

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER ATTEMPT
          1) Bank robbery
          2) Mountain climbing
          3) Bungee jumping at the traveling amusement park
          4) Trying to outrun the TEN patrol cars chasing you
          5) Trying to jump your daughter's "banana" bike over your neighbor's car using homemade wooden ramps while drunk
          6) Adding another outlet into the living room wall to power your new 52" flat screen T.V. while the power is still on
          7) Putting out your house fire with the garden hose
          8) Climbing the tallest tree in the back yard to hang the tire swing
          9) Lighting the charcoal grill with anything other than charcoal lighter. And NOT the whole can, fool!

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY.
          1) "I just can't quit you," at a cowboy convention
          2) " Hey, watch this!"
          3) "Yes, you DO look fat in that!"
          4) "Don't worry honey, your sister will never find out"
          5) "Harleys are for sissys" at a "biker" bar.
          6) "I THINK we have enough gas to get to Vegas," as you pass the "last chance gas" station.
          7) "I have a dream," at a KKK rally.
          8) "Is it alright if I pet you?" to your boss's wife at the company Christmas party. (See above)

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT
          1) Anything your wife cooks after finding out about you and her sister
          2) Anything on fire
          3) Anything you find behind the front seat of your pick-up truck
          4) Yellow snow (even on a dare!)
          5) Anything Scottish
          6) Anything from your friend's garden--the one who lives next to the textile factory
          7) Anything your friend "Ozzie" bakes
          8) Potted meat
          
          I hope this helps. If I can save a life, then I've done my job.

ADVICE FOR HOMEOWNERS: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

            Are you a new homeowner or someone who has owned a home for some time? If you are, there are many aspects of home maintenance that you may be aware of or some that you have never considered at all. I have compiled a list of questions and answers that I feel are important to know.

1) Do you have QEST water pipe running through your home?  This is Polybutylene flexible pipe that was used to plumb many houses during the late 1980's and most of the 90's. Apparently, this brand of pipe will fail under certain conditions and there was a nationwide class action lawsuit in response to such failure. This pipe is usually recognized by it's grey color but it is also found in white, black, blue and cream. The printed letters "PB" can be found on the exterior of the pipe to help identify it. If you have this pipe running through your home and you have easy access to it, say, from an unfinished basement, crawl space or attic, you might consider replacing it. Or, at least just knowing if you have it can be useful. Generally, the cost to replace said pipe is not as expensive as you might think and the preventative costs associated with it far outweigh the potential damage costs. Look in the Yellow Pages for small owner-operated plumbing companies to get the most inexpensive material and labor costs to replace it.

2) Do you know where your home's main water supply shut off valve is? If you do, is it easily accessible? Do you have to climb over a mountain of toys or plastic storage totes to get to it? Easy access to this valve is essential in case of an emergency situation that requires the water to be turned off. Some older homes have the main valve outside the home in a front yard. Sometimes the lid to access the valve has a locking bolt on it to keep it sealed. Do you need a special sized wrench to open it? If you do, could you locate it in 60 seconds? When your house is flooding, every second counts. Keep such a device handy and in clear view at all times. I recommend a MASTER SHEET of information reminding you where all of these things can be found. You may want to add more of the following.

3) Do you know where your main circuit breaker panel is? Do you know if you have sub-panels, how many, and where they are? Do you have an older home with the old style screw-in fuses? If so, do you have any extra fuses handy in case one blows? By the law of building codes, access to circuit panels should never be blocked. But, as we all know, sometimes lack of space forces us to use every square inch of our garages and basements. You should always have easy access to these panels in case of an emergency. Having a flashlight with good batteries placed near such panels is always handy. Are all the circuits marked correctly AND LEGIBLE? If not, find an adult who can walk through your home as you flip breakers off and on, one by one to identify what they power. Use an indelible ink marker to mark as such. In an emergency, not having to guess what goes to where could save someone's life.

4) Do you have natural gas or propane entering your home? Do you know where the main shut off valve is? Do you have a gas fireplace or a gas stove? Do you know where the shut off valves are for these? Do you have a gas furnace heating your home? Can you easily find and reach the shut off valve to it? You should know the EXACT location where each of these can be found. Some gas fireplaces have a special KEY to turn the valve on and off. Do you know where the key is? Good advice is to hang the key in plain sight but NOT ABOVE THE FIREPLACE! If a fire should accidentally get out of hand, you may not be able to grab it due to flames.

5) Do you have a washer and dryer? Is your dryer exhaust vent free of dust and lint and does its opening and closing function properly? Believe it or not, birds and small animals will make these vents their home if they don't close properly when not in use. When was the last time you changed the rubber hoses that supply hot and cold water to your washing machine? Just like outdoor lawn hoses, these will fail and leak over time. They should be replaced periodically to avoid a flood, like when you're on a two week vacation away from home. That's when they usually break!

6) Does your home have a forced hot/cold air system? Do you know where ALL the return air duct filters are located? Do you know what size they are for each duct. Sometimes they are not all the same size. Did you know that the inexpensive throw away filters should be changed every month to keep your heating/cooling system functioning at its most cost efficient potential?

        A home, just like a car, needs regular maintenance. My advice is to put all pertinent information together on one master sheet, make several copies and keep them in easy reach. In an emergency, running around like a headless chicken in front of family members and neighbors never looks good. Although sometimes it might be entertaining.

Love or money? The Tiger Woods debate.

Didn't I just recently write an article about how men can easily take a relationship and flush it down the toilet? I guess a certain golf player missed that one. Which luckily, gives me a topic to expand on today. By now, unless you live in a cave, you know that golf wonder boy Tiger Woods is guilty (by his own words) of "transgressions." It never ceases to amaze me the vast number of colloquial terms we have invented to describe our mistakes. When we lie, it's a "fib" or a "white lie." Why does adding a color to it make it okay? Is a "black lie" worse? When we steal, it's called a "misappropriation" or "shoplifting." When we kill someone it's called "manslaughter." If a man accidentally kills a woman, shouldn't it be called "womanslaughter?" Well, it's not and you know why? Because "womanslaughter" sounds way too terrible. "Manslaughter" sounds much better. But I digress. Back to the Tiger. HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE! BROKE HIS MARRIAGE VOW! Allegedly, not with one, not with two, but with THREE WOMEN!! That's three life sentences in HELL if you believe in that sort of thing. "Transgressions" indeed!

         WOMENS DAY magazine recently conducted a poll asking women "would you stay if your husband cheated?" Of the women polled, 35% said "yes" while 65% said "no." "Maybe" and "it depends" were not options. This tells me that out of every one hundred  women at least thirty-five have been cheated on. But I'm willing to bet that the number is MUCH higher. So sad. What is wrong with men? Is making a lifetime commitment to just one woman so impossible? Is being in love and making love to the same woman so painful? Is just a few minutes of self-gratification with a different woman worth losing the one you have? Look, if you're a man who can't keep it in his pants then you have no business being married. Lying and cheating on your spouse is not fair to her. In the grand scheme of things a divorce is far less painful to a woman than  having her husband cheat on her. It is degrading to her and totally saps her self-esteem. THAT is something you do to your enemies, not to the woman who you considered your friend and wife.

           But apparently, on the subject of Tiger's "transgressions," most of the comments from men that I read on message boards seem to slap him on the back or encourage his bad behavior. He is now the hero of most ignorant men and the scourge of faithful women. And what does the media make of all this? "How will this hurt the TIGER WOODS brand?" Give me a break. He took a backhoe and dug himself a giant hole. Are we to feel sorry for him? Should we forget the whole thing? Frankly, I don't really care what happens to him. I only feel one thing: empathy towards his poor wife for having to suffer through this. BUT WAIT A MINUTE! She is not poor. On the contrary, she was just offered $5,000,000 to stay with her husband AND her revised pre-nup will give her an additional $55,000,000 if she stays for a total of ten years. Oh how silly of me, I forgot how boat loads of cash make up for everything and help people to forget. Right.

          When events like this happen, women are the losers. The message is clear: men, go ahead and cheat. If you've got enough money in the bank you can fix it. All can be undone with cash. Nothing will change until men view women as equals. Until they can see the world through their eyes. Until THEY have to go through life wondering when THEIR spouse will toss promises to the wind and cheat on them.

         On Sunday, December 6, I am getting married. My fiance and I have written our own vows, or promises if you like, and I intend to keep mine. When two people find each other and realize that no other substitutes will do, shouldn't a simple promise to be faithful be enough? If, as a man, you can't unequivocally answer "yes," then you have no business being married. Peace.

Three little words that can move mountains.

Of all the words in the English language, there are three that can stand alone and have three separate meanings. They each contain just one syllable and can be arranged in such a way that they convey a different idea each time. But there is one arrangement that's extra special. For the sake of time and space, let's call this arrangement number 1. 1 has the amazing ability to connect things that normally aren't connected. For instance, a young man and his first car. A young girl to her first pet. Another amazing feat for 1 is its ability to provide certainty in uncertain times. Like when someone you know makes a giant mistake or takes you for granted. 1 can be yelled or whispered. It can be flown on a banner behind a plane or found nestled in a tiny black box. 1 can be translated into any language on the planet and still mean the same in all. 1 can be read with the eyes or felt with the soul. 1 can be said to anyone and anything. 1 turns sorrow into joy and strangers into friends. 1 can apply to the young or old, black or white, male or female, man to man or mother to son. 1 has the power to move mountains but it is seldom uttered. 1 is the most important thing to know in life. 1 can also be said to ourselves when we are at our lowest point.1 is tossed around at family reunions and holidays, and whispered to those we know when laid to rest. 1 is what every child should hear from it's parents. And parents from every child. From brother to sister and vice-versa. 1 should be heard from every patriot to their nation and from every enemy to their foe. 1 should be cherished between any two people who care to share it. 1 removes doubt and mystery. It needs to be said daily and often. What are the three little words that make up number 1: I love You.

Another woman loses her life in the pursuit of perfection.

I am shaking my head in disbelief. Today, a top MSN news story is supplying me with the facts surrounding a former beauty queen's death. Apparently, a young woman has died due to complications she suffered after having a "buttocks enhancement" procedure. At first read, it almost sounds like the punchline to a joke in very poor taste, but I am not laughing. I am very serious. This woman got the idea in her head that her butt just wasn't FIRM enough to suit her. Why would she  possibly entertain this notion? Is there a NATIONAL BUTT FIRMNESS GUIDE? Has she broken any law? Was she being harassed by men following her around on a daily basis insisting that she have "buns of steel?" The answer to all these questions is YES! Oh, maybe not as bluntly or as sarcastically as I have written it but the motivation was there all the same. In my humble opinion, men are the root cause for such action. Men have raised the beauty and body bar so high for women that they are forced to consider such craziness. Today, thanks to modern technology it's no holds barred. Anything you want larger, smaller, fuller, thinner, longer, shorter, lighter, darker, smoother or removed can be accomplished. Whatever happened to moderation? Whatever happened to being self-content? Are most women's self-esteem so low that they have to risk death just to look better than the next woman? Apparently so. This woman did not have to die. There are other means of attaining the results that she sought. Walking backwards uphill on a treadmill would have acquired the same results. But again, a simple solution to a problem that should not exist. I believe every woman on the planet should turn the tables. They should not even consider a man with gray hair, wrinkles, thin lips, small pecs, a big gut, spaghetti legs, or wooly mammoth body hair. Give them a taste of their own medicine. Make them work like dogs at the gym, undergo liposuction and hair dye. Make them wax their body hair and get face lifts. Shun them and make them feel inferior until they are perfect. Make them know what it is to be a woman. There, I am finished with my tirade for the day. Click here to read the MSN news story. Women, stop the insanity!

Advice for women : How to make shopping with your man enjoyable.

Women and shopping. The two go hand in hand like shoe sales and credit cards. Women are natural born shoppers. It's in their genetic code. They can shop for hours, take a fifteen minute lunch break, and again, hit the stores running. Shopping for some women is more enjoyable than sex. Sad but true. For men on the other hand, shopping with a woman is like getting a colonoscopy: It's inevitable, you can't talk your way out of it, it's slightly amusing but mostly uncomfortable. So, with that in mind, I have compiled a list of tips for women to use to make the shopping experience more enjoyable for their man.

 1) Just getting him there.
         Men are easily outsmarted and will fall for almost anything. One way to get him into the stores is to mention how you think there might be a sporting goods store, a toy store or a video arcade inside the mall you are planning to attack. Should there be none of these at said mall, deny all recollections of the conversation. Another tactic you can try is to offer to buy him lunch. No man will ever refuse a free lunch! If all else fails, promise him something new and exciting in the bedroom tonight. Later that evening, place the shiny new flashlight that you purchased (when he wasn't looking) on his night stand and say, "TAA DAA!!" All men love flashlights.

2) Distraction.
         No matter what, some men just hate the shopping experience. This notion is ingrained in them as toddlers. They remember the never-ending hours of boredom they had to endure while being whisked from store to store as their mothers shopped like robots. These men are scarred for life and no amount of 'retail therapy' is going to help. For you to be free to shop every rack and to try everything on, without the whiny, "can we go home now," you must distract them. Give them something to read. Something with big, colorful pictures and words they can understand like 500 HORSEPOWER, or 12 POINT BUCK, or CAREER TOUCHDOWNS. The more magazines the merrier! They will sit quietly content for hours while you happily spend all their money! (just kidding.)

3) Inclusion.
        Some men are naturally inquisitive and might actually care about why you have come to the giant indoor mall to shop. These guys you can work with. Unlike "distracted man" above, your fellow might just require a simple task to keep him occupied and happy. Here is your chance to put him to work. Give him the size, and/or color, and/or budget of the items you are searching for and tell him to "fetch!" If he returns with a number of items that are dressing room worthy, pat him on the head and tell him what a 'good' boy he is. Should he return with a handful of clothing not fit for The salvation Army, say "BAD!" and send him back out.

4) My little helper.
       Amazingly, not all men are dolts and will actually enjoy shopping with you. Use this to your advantage. Ask him to pick out items that he thinks you might look good in. This will help stave off the boredom and actually give you a window into his fashion sense. After all, YOU are practically responsible for everything that hangs in his closet, i.e., birthdays, X-mas, anniversaries, his vasectomy 'get well' gift and so on. It's only fair that he has some input. If he does a good job of outfitting you, buy him some socks and underwear.

5) A rolling stone gathers no moss.
       Keep moving. You know he has a short attention span. Grab him by the hand and slingshot him from rack to rack. Jog through the aisles. Run from store to store. DON'T LET HIM SIT! Once you lose momentum you'll lose him. Keep him focused! Make him carry all the bags. He needs purpose. Show him that shopping can be fun! At home, in between mall attacks, put him on reconnaissance. Let him comb the Sunday paper searching for sales. Make him an active part of the shopping experience. Hopefully, once he is converted, he will tell all his dopey friends bringing harmony to all who shop. Amen.

Advice for all: How to avoid bloodshed on Thanksgiving Day!

Isn't it sad that I have to write an article like this regarding such a family oriented occasion? But, without fail, on the Friday after Thanksgiving, I always find an article about death or bloodshed at the Thanksgiving table. So sad! There are no logical reasons to kill family members on this occasion, but people die nevertheless. Maybe one reason for this is the "feeding frenzy" mentality that accompanies the anticipation of a large, mouthwatering meal. Deep inside, we are all still animals and maybe some instincts cannot be controlled. With this in mind I have compiled a list of what not to do on thanksgiving day to stay alive. I hope this helps!

1) The first time being in someone else's home  for Thanksgiving dinner.
The goal here is to try not to create tension in a new environment. No matter what, do not question why your host has to have 3 Christmas trees up at the same time. Maybe they're taking a botany class. And never comment on it being "too early" to put up the tree. Not everyone shares the same time schedule. Try to ignore the life size crucifix hanging in the foyer that greets you as soon as you walk in. Never comment on this! Remember, religion is one of those 'touchy' subjects that one should never discuss. Pay no attention to a house so cluttered that you need a "YOU ARE HERE" map just to find your way to the nearest bathroom. Not EVERYBODY has a housekeeper so try to hide that look of chaos on your face, 'Buffy.'
While navigating through someone's home, never open closed doors, enter, and rifle through dresser drawers and closets, unless you're absolutely sure that you haven't been followed. Any incriminating evidence you find should be kept secret until things get 'dicey' at the dinner table. Never assume that YOU can sit at the end of the table. THIS is reserved for (a) the cook. (b) the woman of the house. (c) the man of the house. (d) the grandparent residing in the house. The one with the flatulence problem, or (e) anyone in a wheelchair. You will sit where you're told to, DAMMIT, and be quiet about it! Every turkey ever hatched has only two drumsticks. There are 12 of you sitting around the table. You have a 1 in 6 chance of getting a leg and those are crappy odds. A sure fire way to end up in an ambulance en-route to the nearest hospital is claim one of these for your own. Your best bet is to wait until everyone has taken what they want off the 'meat' tray, then should there be a lone leg on said tray, grab for that sucka' with both hands.

2) Hosting the Thanksgiving meal.
AHA! Here you have the 'home' advantage. There are steps you can take to minimize the violence. One is to have a big screen television blaring the Thanksgiving day football game. Men are easily distracted by this and will blindly follow the commotion until they reach the living room and plop themselves down on a couch. It's best to herd them all into one place to keep an eye on them. Have a CO2 fire extinguisher on hand to control any arguments over 'foul calls' or 'player stats.' Another thing to do is to 'weapon proof' the house. Remove all machine guns, rifles, pistols, paintball guns, crossbows, knives, swords, darts, pool cues, pool balls, fireplace utensils, baseball bats, hockey sticks, rolling pins, scissors, nail clippers and safety razors. Pre-cut every ounce of food you plan to serve into bite-sized portions and set the table with spoons only. Bury ALL your knives and forks in the back yard just to be safe. If you are hosting a large part of your family for Thanksgiving dinner, here are some subjects that you should NEVER discuss. (a) religion ;see above. (b) politics. (c) anyone recently "coming out of the closet." (d) revising your parents' will. (e) who those parents should stay with because they're not staying in MY house, DAMMIT!
Try and limit the amount of alcohol served. A bunch of drunk, stuffed, hot and sweaty relatives cramped around a table normally built for six is a recipe for danger. DO NOT SERVE CRANBERRY SAUCE! No one really knows what this stuff is made from. And the fact that it resembles the inside of the can it just came out of, while sitting  there on a large, white plate, just creates anxiety and confusion. Diffuse the situation. As soon as the last bit of pie has been eaten and there isn't a drop of coffee left, bring all of the coats out from off of the master bedroom's bed, and hand them out. The quicker a crowd disperses, the more lives you can save. Happy Thanksgiving.

Why you shouldn't fear crop circles and other musings.

As I sit at my keyboard typing this article, I have music playing in the background. I am having difficulty seeing the keys through my tears. Yes, I am crying. Why? Because I am listening to Bob Dylan's, "Christmas in the heart," and it has to be the funniest thing I've ever heard. He has absolutely no voice left (like he could sing before?) and so he is crucifying (no pun intended) fifteen classic Christmas songs. If you need a great 'GAG' gift or know a true die hard Dylan fan, buy this CD. It will be the best $14.00 you ever spent! Now, to continue.

          Okay, we are all aware how ALL department stores have an incredible sale the day after X-mas, right? Aren't we all feeling the effects of this recession? Wouldn't you like to get more bang for your buck this year? Do you see where I'm going with this? It's time to beat the retailers at their own game!
POSTPONE CHRISTMAS FOR TWO DAYS! There, I said it! And why not? If you've got kids here's what you tell them: Tell them that if they want Christmas to come when it always does, that they will get a few presents. Then, ask them  if they can wait ONLY two extra days, they'll get LOTS of presents! If you haven't any kids or you are alone or have just a spouse, give it a thought. The stores won't be as wacky, most everyone will be waiting in that long RETURN line, so shop all day and save hundreds.

Crop circles. They pop up everywhere. I have applied some simple logic to their origin and I have concluded that they are not created by aliens, so there is no reason to fear them. Of course, if you saw the movie, "Signs," you may argue my point, but first, hear me out.
1) They have to be smarter than us.
A smart alien has better things to do than to fly millions of miles to earth, land, and then draw some unexplainable pattern in the landscape that one can only really appreciate from above. Most of these patterns seem to be pointing to something. What? A Walmart? A Target? The nearest McDonalds? They point nowhere. An alien would have it pointing to our nearest defense system, so forget about it.

2) Aliens have big heads.
"And so?" you may be asking. Well, most of these circles appear in large fields. Fields of grass or wheat or corn. Do you remember the sinus headache you get when 'hay fever' season rolls around? Great, now imagine having a big alien head. Now, imagine the headache that accompanies it. Now, imagine that you're an alien. Need I say more?

3) Aliens have to be discreet.
Mankind is so dumb that if an alien did ever land, we'd blow it to smithereens. Aliens are smart so they know this. Therefore, it makes no sense that aliens would come during the dark cover of night, spend hours making some dopey symbol, then leave, leaving the symbol as evidence that they were here. Starting to see it my way now, aren't you?

Crop circles are made by college students with a calculus degree. Actually, anyone can make a crop circle. All you need is stakes, a sledgehammer, a few different lengths of rope and a bunch of friends that have too much time on their hands. Wait a minute. Remember how hard it is just to find two friends to help move a couch, let alone trample through a damp field, in the dark, making some incoherent symbol, all to perpetuate some kind of hoax? Fine! It's aliens then.