HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?!

One of the definitions of the word “Trend” is “A current style,” which forms the basis for this column. It seems that a current trend among certain individuals is to wear their pants far below the comfort height of the masses. While it is within every persons right to express their individuality, there comes a point where such expression borders on ridiculousness and just plain out bad taste. Let’s examine the how’s and why’s of this trend together.

How did it start?
I can only imagine that some youngster, somewhere, had the misfortune to come upon a plumber kneeling before a kitchen cabinet exposing his butt to an unsuspecting world. This youngster, being the innovative leader that he was decided, “Hmmm…I can beat THAT!” and set forth to place his belt loops where no belt loops had gone before. HE was a pioneer. HE was a trendsetter. Sadly, everyone after him who sought to lower their “expectations” was a copycat, a follower, an imitator. It was merely a matter of time before belt loops reached a new low. No one likes to be outdone!

Why would you wear your pants on your thighs? I can only guess at a few reasons.
1) These young men all suffer from I.B.S. (irritable bowel syndrome for those that didn’t know) and have to be able to un belt and squat at a moments notice. Pulling down your pants in a crisis just takes too much time.
2) Maybe all these young men suffer from too much gas from eating spicy foods and this allows them the means to “air out” so to speak. Good for them, bad for us.
3) Maybe it is an attempt to capture the opposite sex. Giving the girls a preview of what’s to come, albeit hidden behind long, cotton, boxers. Kind of like driving a car before you buy it.
4) Maybe it is a way to attract the SAME sex. Let’s be honest boys, you’re showing us the BACK HALF versus the FRONT HALF! Just a theory, of course.
5) Maybe it is a concerted conspiracy by the producers of “Fruit of the loom,” “Hanes,” and “Calvins,’ for a new type of “Product placement,” using men’s behinds as cheap billboards. I’m just sayin’…………..
6) Maybe it is just a statement and that statement is, “I just don’t care anymore about modesty!”

Viewing this trend strictly from a fashion point of view, BOXERS! REALLY! Is that the BEST you can do? They are antiquated at best, have the worst patterns on the planet and do nothing to enhance a young males physique. If you are going to show us something, at least be innovative enough to show us some bikini briefs or go all out and put on that thong that you’ve been hiding in your nightstand. THAT would REALLY set a TREND!

There are many things one cannot do whilst wearing pants around ones thighs. Running is one, climbing would be another, certainly a job interview would not go well as would being best man at your buddies wedding. Unless of course, his pants are around his ankles too. Imagine you are walking to a job interview and a Bengal tiger escapes from the local zoo and he is heading your way. You can’t even run to that tree to save your life. See what a problem this can cause?

Lastly, what this trend does is embarrass people. Who? Women, old, young, married, single, widowed, and in nuns habits. The two people embarrassed the most? Their parents, because this means that they have failed to do a good job. And no parent wants to see their kid walking around with his butt hanging out. THAT usually stops around age five.
Pull your pants up and think of another way to express your individuality. And put the belt companies out of business in the process.
Peace.

The Top 10 Reasons Why I, Ray Librandi Should Be On The Ellen Degeneres Show

1) Like Ellen, I am an Italian comedian originally from New York.
2) We have a major preference in common: We both like Women.
3) I’m a firm believer in the saying, “Porsche: (Portia) Except no substitute!
4) I have a lot of funny stories to tell.
5) I’m charismatic, good looking and interesting.
6) I have the most amazing life-changing story to tell!
7) It will be a ratings bonanza for her show: Every Librandi will be watching and there are a lot of us!
8) I’ve always wanted to visit California.
9) It will be a great boost for my writing career!
10) Real people are much more interesting than celebrities.

There are no LIVE NUDE GIRLS! here!

Contrary to popular belief, P.T. Barnum was not the originator of the phrase, “There’s a sucker born every minute!” That distinction belongs to someone else but the fact remains that people are just as gullible and easily manipulated today as they were decades ago. It is this idea that forms the basis of this column.
How gullible you say? Well, back in the early nineties, a man named Bernie Madoff was touting himself as the investment banker that could GUARANTEE a hefty return on your investment should you decide to use his company. His last name should have been a foreboding clue but in hindsight, the thought of making a killing on an investment clouded everyone’s eyes. It wasn’t until 1999 that financial analyst Harry Markopolos informed the SEC that he believed it was mathematically impossible to achieve the gains that Madoff promised to deliver. After only four hours of failed attempts trying to replicate Madoff’s numbers, did he realize that Madoff was a fraud. He was ignored by the Boston SEC in 2001 and further ignored when he took his findings to the New York SEC in 2005 and 2007. The Madoff “Ponzi” scheme was uncovered by none other than his two sons. When they went to their fathers swanky apartment to confront him on his plan to pay out 173 MILLION in bonuses, the elder Madoff broke down and confessed. He stated that he had “Nothing left” and that he was “Finished,” his investment fund was “Just one big lie” and “Basically, a giant Ponzi scheme.
How were the dozens upon dozens of investors duped? Easy, they believed every word this charming, charismatic, easy going con man had to say. On December 11, 2008, he was arrested and charged with securities fraud.
Let’s move on. When a six year old boy wakes from a two month coma and paralyzed, you might want to hear what he has to say, especially when upon waking he tells this fantastic story of dying and going to heaven. You read right, folks, heaven. And quite honestly, who would doubt such an innocent lad with such a detailed and wondrous story to tell.
His story was so compelling that Tyndale House, a major Christian publisher published a whole book detailing the boy’s story. The book, “The boy who came back from heaven” was written by the boy and his father. The boy’s name: Alex Malarkey. AHA!! A CLUE!! Lifeway Christian Resources, a denominational publisher which own a chain of religious bookstores couldn’t keep the book on the shelves. They sold out as fast as they were put out. The story gave hope to millions that maybe there was something more after we pass. And this is a good thing, except……….one day, an open letter to Christian bookstores, posted on the “Pulpit and pen” website, young Alex Malarkey flatly states, “I did not die, I did not go to heaven!” WAIT…WHAT?! His clarifying statement: “I said I went to heaven because I thought it would get me attention. I haven’t even read the bible!” Alex Malarkey did not receive one penny from the sale of his book but his father did. The book deal with Tyndale was exclusive only with the boy’s father, Kevin Malarkey. Duped again! Pity the poor souls who doled out hard earned money for a piece of fiction disguised as fact.
And the lies continue! What does a gothic hip-hop artist performing under the name, ”Black Madam” and unlicensed body sculpting have in common? Should be nothing, but Padge Victoria Winslowe, dubbed “the Michelangelo of buttocks injections” had a very lucrative business injecting industrial grade silicone and Krazy Glue (I kid you not) into the gluteus-maximus of unsuspecting performers. A 20-year-old exotic dancer from London was coaxed into an airport hotel room where Winslowe proceeded to give the girl a “touch up” during what is being dubbed as a “pumping party.” After dancer Claudia Aderotimi started having trouble breathing following the injections, Winslowe fled the motel room, leaving the girl to die later that same day. Just before her pretrial, Winslowe, 45, of Philadelphia, told the judge, “God’s blessed my hands with everything I touch. I make lots of money, in lots of ways.” Winslowe was later convicted of murder. How could someone be tricked into thinking that a rapper who goes under the name “Black Madam” could safely perform cosmetic surgery in a hotel room? Simple! The woman stated that she was a “nurse practitioner” in training. I could go around claiming to be the King of Spain but who would believe me? Many, I’m guessing if I was convincing enough.
When it comes to manipulating the masses, nobody does it better than the media. How many times have we seen the phrases, “poses nude, poses topless, wardrobe malfunction, sex tape or personal nude photographs” in the headlines? Too many times! Most times these titillating teasers are meant for men to send them running to see and read the lurid details. And far too often they are just a ruse to get your attention and snare you into their little trap. People are so trusting that they will fall for the same gag over and over.
There is an old saying: “If something looks too good to be true, it probably is” Wiser words have yet to be said. If one day you find yourself vacationing in Vegas and a man walks up to you and introduces himself as a land developer and hands you a business card with the name “I. M. Conman” on it, RUN!!

The Top 10 reasons Donald Trump should be the next President....not!

1) He can erase the national debt!
Having filed for bankruptcy FOUR times, he knows how to stick it to creditors. He’ll simply declare the U.S. bankrupt and screw all the foreign countries that we owe money to. it’s a WIN-WIN for everybody!
2) He must be a master at foreign relations!
Having been married three times and divorced twice, DOMESTIC relations he is clueless about.
3)There will be NO SCANDALS in his White House!
With his incredible ability to cover up an obvious bald spot, any scandal that could possibly develop will simply DISSAPPEAR.
4)He will be good for employment.
It’s going to take lots of manpower the write TRUMP all over everything. The “White House” will now be the “Trump House.” All currency will say, “IN TRUMP WE TRUST!” “TRUMP” will have to be painted on AIR FORCE 1. And every reference to “The United States of America” will have to be changed to, “The United States of Trump”
5) He will pick an excellent cabinet.
With his keen sense of knowing how to HIRE AND FIRE someone, his cabinet is insured lasting success.
6) Extremely efficient.
With all of his millions, the man wears the same white shirt and pink tie over and over and over…………….
7)He OWNS the Miss Universe pageant.
As a self-professed “knower of real beauty,” Miss America is a shoe-in to win every time.!
8)He doesn’t cow tow to pressure groups.
Having never served in the armed forces, he can ignore veterans wants and demands. He’s never had a REAL JOB so being pushed around by the labor unions is not likely to happen. He can’t knuckle under to pressure from religious groups because he can’t be Catholic (divorced twice) and is a “big believer in freedom of religion”--quote
9) Save taxpayers money because he doesn’t have to be paid.
Because he touts himself as a GAZILLIONAIRE, he won’t need a paycheck. His real net worth is estimated at only 200 million.
10) It will be easy to fill the TRUMP LIBRARY. He has supposedly written NINE books, 7 with the word ‘TRUMP” in the title. No need for any other literature.

"There's trouble right here in..........St. Cloud???"

Remember that line from "The Music Man?" Well, it wasn't that line exactly, "trouble" was in River City not St. Cloud. But there was a man in St. Cloud who was looking for trouble. What he did and what he got falls short in my opinion.

 I can think of one hundred ways to get into trouble. Coat yourself in honey and walk through the woods after bear hibernation season is over. Create a necklace out of sirloin steaks and wear it as you enter the lion cage at the zoo. Paint a target on your chest and stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery. Wear a fake "afro' wig and a "black power" Tee shirt to a KKK rally. Sell "Tupperware" door-to-door in Detroit. Attach two hundred helium balloons to your lawn chair and forget to load your BB gun. Go bird hunting with Dick Cheney. Fill your FORD "Pinto" up with gas and enter a demolition derby. Attempt to ride your ten-year-old daughter's bicycle off of your roof and onto the trampoline. Start up a chain saw. Claim, "Someone is cheating" during a card game being held in the back room of a gun shop after three cases of BUDWEISER has been consumed. Tell your wife she DOES look fat in THAT!!

So, back to the man in St. Cloud. He strolled into a TARGET store and mentioned to some employees that he was "looking to get into trouble." His idea of "trouble" was to grab a baseball bat from the sporting goods department, take a walk over to "Electronics" and open a can of "whoop-ass" on an unsuspecting 50" plasma T.V. The T.V. pressed charges and the man is happily in jail. I say happily because it is obvious that that's where he wanted to go. Hey, look at it this way: free room and board, three square meals a day and free cable. What may seem like insanity to some could be a way of avoiding homelessness to others. Well, I must be off. I'm heading to my local TARGET store for a dose of trouble. If there is no new article here tomorrrow, you'll know why.

Advice For Men: How To Be Friends With A Woman

Men, do you have enough friends to fill a stadium, but when it comes to being friends with a woman you are clueless as to what to do? Read on for some helpful tips. If being friends with a woman is not on your agenda, go back to watching the football game and feed the dog. For those of you who are still reading, here we go!

Being friends with a woman isn't that much different than being friends with your guy buddies. There is a slightly different set of rules and you will have to open your mind to trying different things. First, the rules:
1) RESPECT.
If you are to be friends with a woman, you must show her the same amount, if not more respect than what you would show to men. If you respect a woman, she will be more apt to consider you as a friend. You will have to tone down the crude sexual references, vulgar language and female ogling that you normally share with your guy friends. Oh, and constantly dragging up female conquests of the past is not a good topic for conversation. Unless she specifically asks you to spill the beans about past liaisons to fulfill her own curiosity, stay off the subject. This goes for you married men as well. And if you think that by comparing your current female companion to past companions, in an effort to show the current one that she is superior in every way, FORGET IT! You may mean well, but THEY just don't get it. In their minds, any comparisons are an affront to them and their confidence as a woman. If you think that she's fantastic, just say it. If you are just casually dating and make plans to meet somewhere, be on time. Women also have boundaries that should not be crossed until she gives you the green light. Until such time, respect those boundaries as you would a RED light. A woman will match the respect that you give her in return. If the woman that you'd like to be friends with is your wife, respect should be an ongoing thing. Opening doors for her is such a small gesture, but you'd do the same for your guy friends wouldn't you? Don't expect a woman to share all of her secrets with you either. Women cherish their privacy, respect that too. If a woman shares more with you than she shares with her girl friends, consider yourself honored: you are a good friend!

2) JUST LISTEN!!
One key to being best friends with a woman is to just listen to her. You listen when your guy friends talk about what's happening, give a woman the same courtesy. Yes, her topics might seem strange and yes, her concerns might seem trivial to you and yes, her point of view may be different from what your guy friends' are but these things are not that hard to understand and they are what makes us grow as humans. If you are not the best conversationalist in the world then just listen. Being a sounding board for a woman shows her that you care. This will endear you to her. She will want to be your friend. Try not to be judgmental or get pulled into a gossip trap. She may be testing you. Be a stand-up guy and rise above. She will respect you all the more. You may get an earful of concerns or problems that you have no prior experience in solving. Don't try, you'll most likely get it wrong. Just listen. Women need to vent and sometimes they are venting about men. Open up your mind to see her point of view and you may find your best friend in a woman.

3) ACTIVITIES, ACTIVITIES.
"LET'S GET READY TO...............go shopping?" "Opposite sex" most times also means opposite ideas of entertainment. If your girlfriend/wife likes NASCAR, boxing, football, hunting, fishing, power tools and female mud wrestling, check her birth certificate. She's a MAN! If, in fact, there are no visible scars to the contrary, consider yourself lucky! The rest of us need to be more open minded. This will also be required of your potential female friend candidate. The easiest thing for both you and your lady friend to do is to make two separate lists. One will list all the activities that each of you love to do or are at least willing to try. The other list should contain every activity that you hate or wouldn't even consider trying. Make both lists broad and encompassing. When you're through, compare lists. You HAVE TO have some things in common, or are at least willing to try. I used to be a decent dart player, so I recently put up a dart board. I invited my wife to try it. She informed me that she wasn't ANY GOOD at it. We've played TWICE now and she's already beaten me once! I think she's a "ringer." Sorry, I digress. Guys, you have no idea what activities she may be interested in participating with you until you ask. Same goes for you. Put your "macho" image aside, and try cooking together. Go shopping with her. Grab her by the hand and take her for a long walk. Buy her a rod, reel and tackle box and take her fishing with you. If fishing is not her thing, just let her steer the boat. If you have both decided to partake in sports, try NOT to be so competitive. It won't kill you to lose once in a while. Oh, and NOBODY LIKES a sore loser. Not even your GUY friends. Encourage her and congratulate her when she wins. You do THAT with your guy friends too, don't you? Give her the same.

4) AFFECTION.
No, you fool, do NOT put her in a headlock and give her "noogies!" Nope, not a "wedgie" either. And don't even THINK about snapping a towel at her butt. Show her real affection. Make sure not to illegally cross any boundaries (see above) and always respect her (also see above). If your friendship with a woman is strictly platonic, be careful to gauge your affection accordingly. Consider this too when involved in a friendly, professional relationship. If you seek to be best friends with your wife or girlfriend, affection is the best way to start. I strongly and personally believe that you can't truly love someone who could never qualify as your best friend. When you fall in love with your best friend, there is no better feeling in the world.

If this advice helps you and enlightens you as a man, pass it along. We can use as much help as we can get.

MORE MEN BEHAVING BADLY

Whenever I'm feeling sad I can always rely on a quick search of the web to find human interest stories to pick me up and supply a laugh or two. Sometimes three. If I were to merely recount these stories to you without providing a link to them, you might find it hard to believe I am telling the truth. So, I will do so that you may gaze upon the printed words yourself so you will know that I couldn't possibly fabricate such silliness. I have put together five examples of men being the wacky animals that they are in hopes of educating other men not to follow in disoriented footsteps. In plain English, "don't do anymore dumb things."

Our first story of men without clues comes from Florida of all places. Florida is a fascinating place to begin with let alone the wealth of stupidity that flows from it. People continue to line the shore with houses that don't mix well with wind and water just to get that even tan. I think Florida should qualify as it's own unique country, because it is definitely different from the rest of us. Case in point: If you are a thirty-seven year old guy named Gregory J. Oras you will never work for a fortune 500 company even if you lived to be as old as "Methuselah." Why? Look, I have nothing against tattoos and freedom of self-expression but when you allow your FACE to be inked, at least choose an illustration that was generated by someone WITH SOME DEGREE OF ARTISTIC TALENT! Oh, and make sure you have adequate lighting and a MIRROR nearby too. But these are the least of his problems. When you make a career defining decision to call 911 from the bar you've been drinking at all day to report that you have been beaten up AND that people are shooting at you, that is not a crime. BUT, when you tell tall tales just because you think that the officers arriving to help you are merely there to supply you with a FREE RIDE to the NEXT BAR, you are going to have some 'splaning to do, LUCY!! Oh, and kicking a Pinellas County sheriff's deputy in the knees is definitely not going to get you that ride. You will though, get a ride to jail. CLICK HERE  to see for yourself why you should never design your own tattoos. Let's move on, shall we?

Pet owners are an amazing breed. The lengths they will go to to ensure that their pets are happy and healthy always impresses me. Buy sadly, we can't always be around to protect them from hunger, thirst, flees, natural predators or WACKY ROOMMATES. A 22-year-old Lincoln, Nebraska man named Richard Anderson is just such a roommate. Apparently, he must have been very bored the day that he placed his roommate's cat, "Delilah" into their shared washing machine, for a little SPIN. What a MISTAKE! EVERYBODY knows that cats are capable of washing themselves, and that drying themselves off is where they need some help. He should have put Delilah in the dryer instead. (just kidding......like you weren't thinking the same thing?)
See, this is why YOUTUBE is a dangerous thing. Mr. Anderson videoed Delilah's spin cycle to his cell phone and don't you think his roommate was upset when he found it? Absolutely. Mr. Anderson was cited for animal cruelty. CLICK HERE to see the cleanest cat alive. If you should come home one day to see your cat running in circles, you'll know why.

Say you're a 54-year-old guy living in the sleepy town of Harrisburg and you decide to stroll over to MacEnzi's bar and grill on a Saturday night. No harm in that, right? You have a few beers and chat with the bartender. You have a few more beers and still the bartender is listening attentively. You have yet a few more beers then decide to go home. When you get home you realize that you forgot something and trek on back to the bar 25 minutes later with a beanie pulled over your face. You grab the bank bag containing the evenings cash sales, shove the bartender for good measure and flee. No one will ever know it's you. WRONG! The accommodations at the Linn County jail are nowhere near as nice as MacEnzi's. CLICK HERE to face a third degree robbery charge.

Our next story concerns man and his eternal love of nature. Some guys are just big ole pussycats in disguise like Joel Borden of Clarksville, Tennessee. He's a nature lover yes indeed! One morning while in his kitchen drinking coffee, he is fortunate enough to see a deer roaming through his yard. They are such timid and wondrous creatures aren't they. Surely, Joel can appreciate that. But wait.......this deer seems to be injured, shot by some heartless hunter who doesn't appreciate nature like me, you, and Joel. Joel realizes he must do something and quick. This poor deer may be dying and he has no time to put on his pants, shirt or shoes. No sir, in times like this one's personal comfort must be abandoned. So, Joel races out his back door only in his boxers and sandals, chases the wounded deer into the woods, knocks it unconscious with a TREE LIMB AND SLITS IT'S THROAT. I guess nursing it back to health was not an option. CLICK HERE for some fresh venison.

Our final story of men behaving badly takes us back to (you guessed it) Florida. Throughout history, certain men have come forth to be the great teachers that the rest of society needs. We have looked to these men for guidance, wisdom and answers. That service that men provide is still being observed today. One such pillar of wisdom is 39-year-old Christopher Fred Cady of ST. Lucie county. He came up with a novel idea of how to set an example. Apparently, a boy who received a BB pellet gun for Christmas, shot his autistic cousin with the same gun. No one knows if it was by accident or if the target shaped birthmark atop his cousin's head had any influence over the incident. Nevertheless, Mr. Cady was determined to show the child just how wrong it is to shoot someone. So, Mr. Cady did what any intelligent 39-year-old would have done: He took the pellet gun and shot the kid in the chest to "try and teach him a lesson." Ironically, Mr. Cady was the one who got a lesson. He was charged with cruelty towards a child without great harm and is being held on $500.00 bond. Oh, and to show just how much of a caring adult he is towards children, he was also charged with violating SEX OFFENDER LAWS  by failing to report a name or residence change. CLICK HERE to know that we can all sleep better at night knowing someone won't be doing any parenting for awhile.

X-MAS CARDS AND THE POST OFFICE

I received another Christmas card in the mail the other day. I appreciated the time it took for this person to have to physically go to the store, purchase it, drive home, address it, write a little note in it, stamp it, then either drop it off at the post office or stick it in their mailbox. WHEW! That's a lot of work just to perform a simple task. I appreciate the thought. But for me, X-mas cards are a double edged sword. First, being an agnostic, my view of what this holiday season means may not be the view shared by others. This feeling of holiday cheer and good will should be felt and demonstrated year long and not come upon us beginning the Friday after Thanksgiving and ending on new years day. But I digress. Back to the cards. So I have this collection of cards. With every new card that comes I feel more guilty about not sending out my own set of cards, or at least reciprocating to the ones I got. This guilty feeling sucks. It really puts a damper on my X-mas spirit. And then there are the cards I get from folks I haven't heard a peep from all year long. What am I supposed to think here? They only think of me once a year? A verbal conversation is not allowed? A ten minute phone call exchanging pleasantries would  have better demonstrated that they really care versus two lines in a card. Please don't view my comments as ungrateful; I take friendships very seriously and value each and every one. But to think of me only at Christmas seems a bit hypocritical. I think some people view X-mas cards as some sort of moral status. "Gee, if I send out two hundred Christmas cards, I MUST have lots of friends and be so well liked!" I call it the FACEBOOK syndrome. Thinking that you are so popular because you have 642 friends. But how many of those friends would come by to lend a hand on "moving day?" Just as I thought. And how about those press release diatribes that people send out, detailing every single thing that is happening in their lives. A Christmas "form letter!" Talk about impersonal! My advice: forget the cards and pick up the phone. You remember the phone don't you? It was the thing we used to communicate with before "email" came along. Call the people you haven't seen or spoken to all year. Ask how they are. Ask how their children are. Ask how their parents, brothers and sisters are. Tell them what is going on in your life and ask them the same. Say, "it was good talking to you and I wish you well." An "I love you" wouldn't hurt either.

 While I'm on the subject of cards, lets talk about the post office. An American institution in constant ridicule. Post office personnel have the second most thankless job on the planet right behind teachers. Look, their job is very stressful. Imagine being responsible for moving ton upon ton of mail every day. And how do we thank them? We make jokes about "going postal." Ask yourself this: Is there anyone I know that will come to my house, take a letter from me, carry it clear across the country and hand deliver it to someone of my choosing? No one? How about one of your 642 friends on FACEBOOK? And don't get me started about ALL the people who complain about the price of a stamp. Do you think that YOU could physically hand deliver a letter to someone 3,000 miles away for less than 44 cents? Well guess what? People do it for you day after day, no matter what the weather is or where they're going. And they never ask for a "thank you" either. Isn't it amazing the people and things we take for granted? So, the next time you're standing in line at the post office waiting to buy your stamps and the person either behind or in front of you comments about the HIGH PRICE, remind them of our little conversation. And realize one more thing: With email gaining momentum as the preferred method of mail delivery, it's only a matter of time before your mail man or mail woman is out of a job. More stress to add to an already stressful job. Be glad of who you are.
Happy holidays to everyone and peace to all that need it.

ADVICE FOR ALL: THEY'RE ONLY A THREAT IF YOU INVITE THEM IN!

If you think the title of this article refers to terrorists who come over to this country to visit and stay, then you are sadly mistaken. I am referring to a more flamboyant group of individuals, VAMPIRES! That's right, those pale skinned folk who always dress in black. And, as the title suggests, you have to invite them into your home before they can wreck havoc on your throat.

And that's the problem with vampires, they are not very discreet. For people who have much to hide, they sure give a lot away. Take America's first mainstream  film vampire, "Dracula" for example. Bela Lugosi, who played the "Count" used to tell folks all the time, "I VANT to suck your blood!" He really let the dogs out on that one. Hey, don't be shy, tell us what your plans are. Not very bright. Like, after that statement we'd just draw a target around our jugulars and say, "have at it." And what's with the black wardrobe all the time? Don't they know what a faux pas it is to wear black after Easter? And TOO much glitter doesn't look good on ANYBODY, let alone the "undead."

Why do vampires insist on telling us they're vampires? Does everyone have to come out of the closet? I don't go around telling everyone, "I'm not a vampire," do I? Vampires have to be discreet or else we'll know that they are different from us. VERY DIFFERENT!!  A guy named "Rocky Flash," is just such an individual. (not his real name)  and not to be confused with, "Rocky Graziano," Rocky Balboa," "Rocky and Bullwinkle," or "Rocky" relationships. Why? Because "Rocky Flash" is the self-confessed leader of the "Vampyre Nation," that's why! Another guy who can't keep a secret. And why should anybody know his name at all or even care? Because this lunatic moron threatened a judge with dismemberment and impalement and not necessarily in that order. This is what happens when mentally unstable, society skill-lacking, self absorbed, delusions of grandeur, attention seeking losers come out of their basements. CLICK HERE to read this hysterical story for yourselves. My advice to all would-be vampires: Forget this "Twilight" nonsense and go watch "Sherlock Holmes" instead.

ADVICE FOR ALL: UNDERSTANDING TELL-TALE SIGNS

Money is an amazing thing. Money buys you a five cent piece of gum or it buys you unlimited power and influence. Money will also buy you an education. How well you use that education depends on many things. Geographic location, culture, access to literature and fine arts and your innate level of intelligence determined at birth are all contributing factors. Unfortunately for some, all or most of those factors are lacking which sometimes makes navigating through life a little difficult. Things that might seem crystal clear to some may be blurred or confusing to others.

Take for example, the ability to know when someone has left this world. That observation may seem like a task that cannot be mistaken, but apparently there are those among us who were short changed in the aforementioned education department. For that specific group I will now list certain signs that a loved one has departed.

1) Loss of appetite
2) Inability to hold a conversation
3) Fails to laugh at "American Idol" tryouts
4) Won't say, "bless you" after you sneeze
5) Personal hygiene is no longer a concern
6) Refuses to answer the phone
7) Forces you to guess what they want on their pizza
8) Shows little sign of joy when children or grandchildren come to visit
9) Will sit for hours listening to visiting Jehovah witnesses
10) Refuses to file income taxes

Some or all of these signs can be ignored by people in the general vicinity of a deceased person who have failed to reach a certain level of intelligence. CLICK HERE to read about just such people. I only wish I had published this article say, eight months ago. I could have spared many people the responsibility of guessing.

ADVICE FOR ALL: DON'T MISUSE YOUR COLON.

I am not a Doctor but I am aware of the hazards of not taking care when it comes to certain functions. Misusing or abusing something day in and day out is a recipe for disaster. Not only do you suffer, but those around you who love you and care for you also suffer. Today, considering the ease of accessing volumes of information, I constantly see people misusing and abusing a part of life's daily function: your colon. For those of you who have never seen your colon, here is what it looks like :  I know some of you are thinking, "I've seen that before but I never knew what it did," and you are not alone. Most people have NEVER seen their colon, let alone how to use it properly. On the other hand, some folks use it too often AND incorrectly, causing pain and discomfort for the rest of us. There is over-the-counter literature you can obtain without a prescription which will tell you the correct dosage of your colon. To save time and as a service to all my readers, I will now provide that information. Webster's New World Dictionary describes your colon as such: a mark of punctuation used before a long quotation, explanation, example, series, etc., and after the salutation of a long letter. Some of you may be scratching your heads at this point from all the confusion so I am prepared to demonstrate one proper use of your colon. Example: "Some people say that I am (:) an idiot, a moron, nonsensical and stupid!" There, see how I used my colon to describe myself? Good, let's move on. Your colon can also be used after the salutation of a long letter. Example:
Dear cousin Bruno (:)
I hope you received the five large I sent you to whack my (expletive) wife. That (expletive) woman needs to die, and her (expletive) boyfriend. Don't forget to make it look like an accident. Give your mom and dad a hug and kiss for me,
your cousin so-and-so...
There, see how I used my colon in a letter? All too often people misuse their colon and sometimes confuse it with their semi-colon. Yes, it's true! For those of you who have never seen your semi-colon, here is what it looks like: ;  See how easy it is to confuse the two? Webster's New World Dictionary describes your semi-colon as such: a mark of punctuation indicating a degree of separation greater than that marked by the comma. Boy, is that confusing! I will now attempt to show you an example of how to use your semi-colon:
"I'm sure I have better things to do all day than to sit here and read this nonsense(;) I should just go and whack my cousin's (expletive) wife." There, see how easily I used your semi-colon in a sentence. Don't forget that it takes the place of a comma; and you all know what a comma is: when you go to sleep for a long time and don't wake up. I hope I have been a help. Ray.

ADVICE FOR MEN: HOW TO STAY ALIVE

I am sorry that it has to come to this but men die needlessly every day and I feel it is my civic duty to offer my advice. The following does not apply to all men, but to those who need it, you know who you are.

NATURAL DISASTERS
         1) Floods
          If you are driving down the road and come upon a large volume of water rushing over the blacktop before you, immediately stop the car. Open up the driver's door and get out. Walk to the front of your car. Look left, look right, estimate the depth and speed of the water, scratch the top of your head and get back into your car. TURN THE CAR AROUND AND GO BACK THE WAY YOU CAME!
         2) Hurricanes heading inland.
          Yes, the waves are big and the wind IS really blowing. Now is not the time for a walk on the beach.
And PUT DOWN THAT SURFBOARD, are you insane? No fishing either, Einstein!
          3) Earthquakes.
           Put down the video camera and get out of the house.
         4) Massive snow fall.
           DO NOT TIE THAT SLED TO THE BACK OF YOUR CAR! Or the toboggan. Or the red wagon. Nope, not the bicycle either. And no, especially NOT the kids. In fact, get out of the car. Everything is closed, you have nowhere to go. STAY OFF THE ROOF!

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT PET.
          1) A feeding rottweiler
          2) A polar bear
          3) A grizzly bear
          4) Okay, ANY friggin' bear!
          5) Any feline larger than "Garfield"
          6) A rattle snake
          7) A skunk
          8) A porcupine
          9) Any shark
         10) Your boss's wife at the company Christmas party

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER ATTEMPT
          1) Bank robbery
          2) Mountain climbing
          3) Bungee jumping at the traveling amusement park
          4) Trying to outrun the TEN patrol cars chasing you
          5) Trying to jump your daughter's "banana" bike over your neighbor's car using homemade wooden ramps while drunk
          6) Adding another outlet into the living room wall to power your new 52" flat screen T.V. while the power is still on
          7) Putting out your house fire with the garden hose
          8) Climbing the tallest tree in the back yard to hang the tire swing
          9) Lighting the charcoal grill with anything other than charcoal lighter. And NOT the whole can, fool!

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY.
          1) "I just can't quit you," at a cowboy convention
          2) " Hey, watch this!"
          3) "Yes, you DO look fat in that!"
          4) "Don't worry honey, your sister will never find out"
          5) "Harleys are for sissys" at a "biker" bar.
          6) "I THINK we have enough gas to get to Vegas," as you pass the "last chance gas" station.
          7) "I have a dream," at a KKK rally.
          8) "Is it alright if I pet you?" to your boss's wife at the company Christmas party. (See above)

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT
          1) Anything your wife cooks after finding out about you and her sister
          2) Anything on fire
          3) Anything you find behind the front seat of your pick-up truck
          4) Yellow snow (even on a dare!)
          5) Anything Scottish
          6) Anything from your friend's garden--the one who lives next to the textile factory
          7) Anything your friend "Ozzie" bakes
          8) Potted meat
          
          I hope this helps. If I can save a life, then I've done my job.

ADVICE TO ALL BIGFOOT EXPERTS: WE'RE ON TO YOU!

Today I had an epiphany while watching "weird news" videos on MSN. The question that has vexed me for so long was finally answered: Why are there "BIGFOOT" sightings? Because certain WHACKO people crave attention. Case in point.

         Recently, in San Antonio, Texas (trouble already) an anonymous caller told police (hint #1) that a "large and tall, hairy creature was spotted dragging a dear carcass into the woods." The caller gave a small stretch of woods right next to highway 1604 as the location of the sighting. According to the news woman handling the story, police "found nothing" along the path that the caller described, (hint #2.) BUT WAIT! Seemingly out of nowhere pops up Rick Tullos, head of (get this) "The Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization" complete with logo patch on his hat and camouflage jacket, (hint #3.) We spend the next 30 seconds watching Rick and the news woman walking through the woods looking for clues. As they are walking along a path not TEN FEET  from busy highway 1604 with cars whizzing by, the news woman looks down to see a pile of manure right before her.
"Is this from the creature?" she asks Rick. As the cameraman zooms in for a closeup of the mysterious manure, Rick says, "Nope. Cow pie." WHAT!! ARE YOU INSANE?? Cows walking along an UN-FENCED strip of grass right next to a busy highway. I don't think so. I think Rick almost stepped in what he's selling! But Rick isn't done garnering attention just yet. Lo and behold, Rick stumbles upon tracks that according to him, "don't seem human!" (hint #4) Nope, he'll analyze the tracks and "hopefully find some more" as he puts it. At this point the cameraman zooms in on what looks like ruts in the grass and underbrush. They looked nothing like tracks to me. I think it's pretty obvious to everyone who's responsible for this bit of shenanigans don't you? Everybody needs a hobby. Some collect stamps. Others collect baseball cards while others travel the country looking for elusive creatures that THEY invent. All for a little attention. Now, if you want some REAL attention, cheat on your wife!

DR. SEUSS HAD IT RIGHT ALL ALONG

Is it December already? I must not have been paying attention. I must have missed the covert overnight transformation that most retail stores perform around this time. You know what I’m talking about: Christmas decorations. The fact that they appear earlier and earlier each year just adds to my general feeling of disillusionment and manipulation. Each year, Christmas is thrust upon us whether we like it or not. And each year I feel more disconnected and empty. And I know why. But first, a little history. My parents, both non-practicing Catholics, sent me to parochial school to obtain the best education they could afford. It worked, but I lost my religion in the process. I have joined the ranks of the millions of “reformed” and now consider myself agnostic. Which is just one ladder rung up from atheist. I have theorized my own belief system and I am happy with it. That’s fodder for another column so for now I’ll just stick to the holiday blues. When you remove the standard religious dogma from Christmas and then expose Santa Claus for who they really are (parents) what have you got left to celebrate? All of you out there reading this just thought to yourselves a unanimous, “not much!” Exactly my point. So, after much thought I have concluded why this time of year makes some of us depressed, suicidal, alone and disconnected.
    It’s simply this: Christmas is not about trees covered in lights and garland. Or eggnog, turkey or pies. It’s not vintage T.V. specials, movies or twenty-four hours of X-mas music on the radio. No flying reindeer, elves, or flashy-dressed intruders who enter via your chimney. No wreaths, poinsettia or mistletoe. It’s not overly adorned retail stores, “tickle me Elmos” or bell ringing volunteers guarding a big, black pot. It’s not snow covered mornings or carolers serenading you with hymns. Nor is it about three wise men.
    You cannot experience Christmas extraneously because Christmas is an idea. It is born of one’s own mind and heart. It’s an attitude. It’s letting your guard down. It’s forgetting the differences between us and accepting each other for who we are. It’s a smile or a handshake. Being considerate of your fellow man or woman. It’s holding the door for someone or giving up your place in line at the check-out for the person with just one item. It’s buying someone who looks needy a cup of coffee or a bite to eat. It’s yielding the right-of-way to someone in traffic and appreciating their wave of thanks. It’s calling old friends and reminding them how much they mean to you. It’s telling your children and grand children how much you love them. And there is no better gift that you can give than telling your parents how much you love them and thanking them for impacting on your life. It’s forgiving old debts and resolving old issues. It’s opening up your heart and mind to an overabundance of goodwill towards each other. It’s finding inner peace in the notion that we were all created by the same entity and that we are truly all brothers and sisters sharing the same home.
    That is how I will celebrate Christmas this year. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll expand it a little more each year until I can experience that warm fuzzy feeling year round. And maybe some of it will rub off. Maybe it will catch on. Maybe all the mayhem produced by all those insane Christmas shoppers won’t matter anymore. Maybe Christmas won’t be about how much you can spend or how big your gift can be. Maybe we can learn from those mythical “Who’s” from that Dr. Seuss classic, “How the Grinch stole Christmas!”  They were unfazed at awakening to a Christmas morning devoid of all the trappings and celebrated notwithstanding. Although, a generous portion of “roast beast” never hurt anybody. Happy Holidays.


Used by permission of THE NEXT 50

ADVICE FOR HOMEOWNERS: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

            Are you a new homeowner or someone who has owned a home for some time? If you are, there are many aspects of home maintenance that you may be aware of or some that you have never considered at all. I have compiled a list of questions and answers that I feel are important to know.

1) Do you have QEST water pipe running through your home?  This is Polybutylene flexible pipe that was used to plumb many houses during the late 1980's and most of the 90's. Apparently, this brand of pipe will fail under certain conditions and there was a nationwide class action lawsuit in response to such failure. This pipe is usually recognized by it's grey color but it is also found in white, black, blue and cream. The printed letters "PB" can be found on the exterior of the pipe to help identify it. If you have this pipe running through your home and you have easy access to it, say, from an unfinished basement, crawl space or attic, you might consider replacing it. Or, at least just knowing if you have it can be useful. Generally, the cost to replace said pipe is not as expensive as you might think and the preventative costs associated with it far outweigh the potential damage costs. Look in the Yellow Pages for small owner-operated plumbing companies to get the most inexpensive material and labor costs to replace it.

2) Do you know where your home's main water supply shut off valve is? If you do, is it easily accessible? Do you have to climb over a mountain of toys or plastic storage totes to get to it? Easy access to this valve is essential in case of an emergency situation that requires the water to be turned off. Some older homes have the main valve outside the home in a front yard. Sometimes the lid to access the valve has a locking bolt on it to keep it sealed. Do you need a special sized wrench to open it? If you do, could you locate it in 60 seconds? When your house is flooding, every second counts. Keep such a device handy and in clear view at all times. I recommend a MASTER SHEET of information reminding you where all of these things can be found. You may want to add more of the following.

3) Do you know where your main circuit breaker panel is? Do you know if you have sub-panels, how many, and where they are? Do you have an older home with the old style screw-in fuses? If so, do you have any extra fuses handy in case one blows? By the law of building codes, access to circuit panels should never be blocked. But, as we all know, sometimes lack of space forces us to use every square inch of our garages and basements. You should always have easy access to these panels in case of an emergency. Having a flashlight with good batteries placed near such panels is always handy. Are all the circuits marked correctly AND LEGIBLE? If not, find an adult who can walk through your home as you flip breakers off and on, one by one to identify what they power. Use an indelible ink marker to mark as such. In an emergency, not having to guess what goes to where could save someone's life.

4) Do you have natural gas or propane entering your home? Do you know where the main shut off valve is? Do you have a gas fireplace or a gas stove? Do you know where the shut off valves are for these? Do you have a gas furnace heating your home? Can you easily find and reach the shut off valve to it? You should know the EXACT location where each of these can be found. Some gas fireplaces have a special KEY to turn the valve on and off. Do you know where the key is? Good advice is to hang the key in plain sight but NOT ABOVE THE FIREPLACE! If a fire should accidentally get out of hand, you may not be able to grab it due to flames.

5) Do you have a washer and dryer? Is your dryer exhaust vent free of dust and lint and does its opening and closing function properly? Believe it or not, birds and small animals will make these vents their home if they don't close properly when not in use. When was the last time you changed the rubber hoses that supply hot and cold water to your washing machine? Just like outdoor lawn hoses, these will fail and leak over time. They should be replaced periodically to avoid a flood, like when you're on a two week vacation away from home. That's when they usually break!

6) Does your home have a forced hot/cold air system? Do you know where ALL the return air duct filters are located? Do you know what size they are for each duct. Sometimes they are not all the same size. Did you know that the inexpensive throw away filters should be changed every month to keep your heating/cooling system functioning at its most cost efficient potential?

        A home, just like a car, needs regular maintenance. My advice is to put all pertinent information together on one master sheet, make several copies and keep them in easy reach. In an emergency, running around like a headless chicken in front of family members and neighbors never looks good. Although sometimes it might be entertaining.

Love or money? The Tiger Woods debate.

Didn't I just recently write an article about how men can easily take a relationship and flush it down the toilet? I guess a certain golf player missed that one. Which luckily, gives me a topic to expand on today. By now, unless you live in a cave, you know that golf wonder boy Tiger Woods is guilty (by his own words) of "transgressions." It never ceases to amaze me the vast number of colloquial terms we have invented to describe our mistakes. When we lie, it's a "fib" or a "white lie." Why does adding a color to it make it okay? Is a "black lie" worse? When we steal, it's called a "misappropriation" or "shoplifting." When we kill someone it's called "manslaughter." If a man accidentally kills a woman, shouldn't it be called "womanslaughter?" Well, it's not and you know why? Because "womanslaughter" sounds way too terrible. "Manslaughter" sounds much better. But I digress. Back to the Tiger. HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE! BROKE HIS MARRIAGE VOW! Allegedly, not with one, not with two, but with THREE WOMEN!! That's three life sentences in HELL if you believe in that sort of thing. "Transgressions" indeed!

         WOMENS DAY magazine recently conducted a poll asking women "would you stay if your husband cheated?" Of the women polled, 35% said "yes" while 65% said "no." "Maybe" and "it depends" were not options. This tells me that out of every one hundred  women at least thirty-five have been cheated on. But I'm willing to bet that the number is MUCH higher. So sad. What is wrong with men? Is making a lifetime commitment to just one woman so impossible? Is being in love and making love to the same woman so painful? Is just a few minutes of self-gratification with a different woman worth losing the one you have? Look, if you're a man who can't keep it in his pants then you have no business being married. Lying and cheating on your spouse is not fair to her. In the grand scheme of things a divorce is far less painful to a woman than  having her husband cheat on her. It is degrading to her and totally saps her self-esteem. THAT is something you do to your enemies, not to the woman who you considered your friend and wife.

           But apparently, on the subject of Tiger's "transgressions," most of the comments from men that I read on message boards seem to slap him on the back or encourage his bad behavior. He is now the hero of most ignorant men and the scourge of faithful women. And what does the media make of all this? "How will this hurt the TIGER WOODS brand?" Give me a break. He took a backhoe and dug himself a giant hole. Are we to feel sorry for him? Should we forget the whole thing? Frankly, I don't really care what happens to him. I only feel one thing: empathy towards his poor wife for having to suffer through this. BUT WAIT A MINUTE! She is not poor. On the contrary, she was just offered $5,000,000 to stay with her husband AND her revised pre-nup will give her an additional $55,000,000 if she stays for a total of ten years. Oh how silly of me, I forgot how boat loads of cash make up for everything and help people to forget. Right.

          When events like this happen, women are the losers. The message is clear: men, go ahead and cheat. If you've got enough money in the bank you can fix it. All can be undone with cash. Nothing will change until men view women as equals. Until they can see the world through their eyes. Until THEY have to go through life wondering when THEIR spouse will toss promises to the wind and cheat on them.

         On Sunday, December 6, I am getting married. My fiance and I have written our own vows, or promises if you like, and I intend to keep mine. When two people find each other and realize that no other substitutes will do, shouldn't a simple promise to be faithful be enough? If, as a man, you can't unequivocally answer "yes," then you have no business being married. Peace.

Advice for women : How to make shopping with your man enjoyable.

Women and shopping. The two go hand in hand like shoe sales and credit cards. Women are natural born shoppers. It's in their genetic code. They can shop for hours, take a fifteen minute lunch break, and again, hit the stores running. Shopping for some women is more enjoyable than sex. Sad but true. For men on the other hand, shopping with a woman is like getting a colonoscopy: It's inevitable, you can't talk your way out of it, it's slightly amusing but mostly uncomfortable. So, with that in mind, I have compiled a list of tips for women to use to make the shopping experience more enjoyable for their man.

 1) Just getting him there.
         Men are easily outsmarted and will fall for almost anything. One way to get him into the stores is to mention how you think there might be a sporting goods store, a toy store or a video arcade inside the mall you are planning to attack. Should there be none of these at said mall, deny all recollections of the conversation. Another tactic you can try is to offer to buy him lunch. No man will ever refuse a free lunch! If all else fails, promise him something new and exciting in the bedroom tonight. Later that evening, place the shiny new flashlight that you purchased (when he wasn't looking) on his night stand and say, "TAA DAA!!" All men love flashlights.

2) Distraction.
         No matter what, some men just hate the shopping experience. This notion is ingrained in them as toddlers. They remember the never-ending hours of boredom they had to endure while being whisked from store to store as their mothers shopped like robots. These men are scarred for life and no amount of 'retail therapy' is going to help. For you to be free to shop every rack and to try everything on, without the whiny, "can we go home now," you must distract them. Give them something to read. Something with big, colorful pictures and words they can understand like 500 HORSEPOWER, or 12 POINT BUCK, or CAREER TOUCHDOWNS. The more magazines the merrier! They will sit quietly content for hours while you happily spend all their money! (just kidding.)

3) Inclusion.
        Some men are naturally inquisitive and might actually care about why you have come to the giant indoor mall to shop. These guys you can work with. Unlike "distracted man" above, your fellow might just require a simple task to keep him occupied and happy. Here is your chance to put him to work. Give him the size, and/or color, and/or budget of the items you are searching for and tell him to "fetch!" If he returns with a number of items that are dressing room worthy, pat him on the head and tell him what a 'good' boy he is. Should he return with a handful of clothing not fit for The salvation Army, say "BAD!" and send him back out.

4) My little helper.
       Amazingly, not all men are dolts and will actually enjoy shopping with you. Use this to your advantage. Ask him to pick out items that he thinks you might look good in. This will help stave off the boredom and actually give you a window into his fashion sense. After all, YOU are practically responsible for everything that hangs in his closet, i.e., birthdays, X-mas, anniversaries, his vasectomy 'get well' gift and so on. It's only fair that he has some input. If he does a good job of outfitting you, buy him some socks and underwear.

5) A rolling stone gathers no moss.
       Keep moving. You know he has a short attention span. Grab him by the hand and slingshot him from rack to rack. Jog through the aisles. Run from store to store. DON'T LET HIM SIT! Once you lose momentum you'll lose him. Keep him focused! Make him carry all the bags. He needs purpose. Show him that shopping can be fun! At home, in between mall attacks, put him on reconnaissance. Let him comb the Sunday paper searching for sales. Make him an active part of the shopping experience. Hopefully, once he is converted, he will tell all his dopey friends bringing harmony to all who shop. Amen.

Advice for all: How to avoid bloodshed on Thanksgiving Day!

Isn't it sad that I have to write an article like this regarding such a family oriented occasion? But, without fail, on the Friday after Thanksgiving, I always find an article about death or bloodshed at the Thanksgiving table. So sad! There are no logical reasons to kill family members on this occasion, but people die nevertheless. Maybe one reason for this is the "feeding frenzy" mentality that accompanies the anticipation of a large, mouthwatering meal. Deep inside, we are all still animals and maybe some instincts cannot be controlled. With this in mind I have compiled a list of what not to do on thanksgiving day to stay alive. I hope this helps!

1) The first time being in someone else's home  for Thanksgiving dinner.
The goal here is to try not to create tension in a new environment. No matter what, do not question why your host has to have 3 Christmas trees up at the same time. Maybe they're taking a botany class. And never comment on it being "too early" to put up the tree. Not everyone shares the same time schedule. Try to ignore the life size crucifix hanging in the foyer that greets you as soon as you walk in. Never comment on this! Remember, religion is one of those 'touchy' subjects that one should never discuss. Pay no attention to a house so cluttered that you need a "YOU ARE HERE" map just to find your way to the nearest bathroom. Not EVERYBODY has a housekeeper so try to hide that look of chaos on your face, 'Buffy.'
While navigating through someone's home, never open closed doors, enter, and rifle through dresser drawers and closets, unless you're absolutely sure that you haven't been followed. Any incriminating evidence you find should be kept secret until things get 'dicey' at the dinner table. Never assume that YOU can sit at the end of the table. THIS is reserved for (a) the cook. (b) the woman of the house. (c) the man of the house. (d) the grandparent residing in the house. The one with the flatulence problem, or (e) anyone in a wheelchair. You will sit where you're told to, DAMMIT, and be quiet about it! Every turkey ever hatched has only two drumsticks. There are 12 of you sitting around the table. You have a 1 in 6 chance of getting a leg and those are crappy odds. A sure fire way to end up in an ambulance en-route to the nearest hospital is claim one of these for your own. Your best bet is to wait until everyone has taken what they want off the 'meat' tray, then should there be a lone leg on said tray, grab for that sucka' with both hands.

2) Hosting the Thanksgiving meal.
AHA! Here you have the 'home' advantage. There are steps you can take to minimize the violence. One is to have a big screen television blaring the Thanksgiving day football game. Men are easily distracted by this and will blindly follow the commotion until they reach the living room and plop themselves down on a couch. It's best to herd them all into one place to keep an eye on them. Have a CO2 fire extinguisher on hand to control any arguments over 'foul calls' or 'player stats.' Another thing to do is to 'weapon proof' the house. Remove all machine guns, rifles, pistols, paintball guns, crossbows, knives, swords, darts, pool cues, pool balls, fireplace utensils, baseball bats, hockey sticks, rolling pins, scissors, nail clippers and safety razors. Pre-cut every ounce of food you plan to serve into bite-sized portions and set the table with spoons only. Bury ALL your knives and forks in the back yard just to be safe. If you are hosting a large part of your family for Thanksgiving dinner, here are some subjects that you should NEVER discuss. (a) religion ;see above. (b) politics. (c) anyone recently "coming out of the closet." (d) revising your parents' will. (e) who those parents should stay with because they're not staying in MY house, DAMMIT!
Try and limit the amount of alcohol served. A bunch of drunk, stuffed, hot and sweaty relatives cramped around a table normally built for six is a recipe for danger. DO NOT SERVE CRANBERRY SAUCE! No one really knows what this stuff is made from. And the fact that it resembles the inside of the can it just came out of, while sitting  there on a large, white plate, just creates anxiety and confusion. Diffuse the situation. As soon as the last bit of pie has been eaten and there isn't a drop of coffee left, bring all of the coats out from off of the master bedroom's bed, and hand them out. The quicker a crowd disperses, the more lives you can save. Happy Thanksgiving.

Why you shouldn't fear crop circles and other musings.

As I sit at my keyboard typing this article, I have music playing in the background. I am having difficulty seeing the keys through my tears. Yes, I am crying. Why? Because I am listening to Bob Dylan's, "Christmas in the heart," and it has to be the funniest thing I've ever heard. He has absolutely no voice left (like he could sing before?) and so he is crucifying (no pun intended) fifteen classic Christmas songs. If you need a great 'GAG' gift or know a true die hard Dylan fan, buy this CD. It will be the best $14.00 you ever spent! Now, to continue.

          Okay, we are all aware how ALL department stores have an incredible sale the day after X-mas, right? Aren't we all feeling the effects of this recession? Wouldn't you like to get more bang for your buck this year? Do you see where I'm going with this? It's time to beat the retailers at their own game!
POSTPONE CHRISTMAS FOR TWO DAYS! There, I said it! And why not? If you've got kids here's what you tell them: Tell them that if they want Christmas to come when it always does, that they will get a few presents. Then, ask them  if they can wait ONLY two extra days, they'll get LOTS of presents! If you haven't any kids or you are alone or have just a spouse, give it a thought. The stores won't be as wacky, most everyone will be waiting in that long RETURN line, so shop all day and save hundreds.

Crop circles. They pop up everywhere. I have applied some simple logic to their origin and I have concluded that they are not created by aliens, so there is no reason to fear them. Of course, if you saw the movie, "Signs," you may argue my point, but first, hear me out.
1) They have to be smarter than us.
A smart alien has better things to do than to fly millions of miles to earth, land, and then draw some unexplainable pattern in the landscape that one can only really appreciate from above. Most of these patterns seem to be pointing to something. What? A Walmart? A Target? The nearest McDonalds? They point nowhere. An alien would have it pointing to our nearest defense system, so forget about it.

2) Aliens have big heads.
"And so?" you may be asking. Well, most of these circles appear in large fields. Fields of grass or wheat or corn. Do you remember the sinus headache you get when 'hay fever' season rolls around? Great, now imagine having a big alien head. Now, imagine the headache that accompanies it. Now, imagine that you're an alien. Need I say more?

3) Aliens have to be discreet.
Mankind is so dumb that if an alien did ever land, we'd blow it to smithereens. Aliens are smart so they know this. Therefore, it makes no sense that aliens would come during the dark cover of night, spend hours making some dopey symbol, then leave, leaving the symbol as evidence that they were here. Starting to see it my way now, aren't you?

Crop circles are made by college students with a calculus degree. Actually, anyone can make a crop circle. All you need is stakes, a sledgehammer, a few different lengths of rope and a bunch of friends that have too much time on their hands. Wait a minute. Remember how hard it is just to find two friends to help move a couch, let alone trample through a damp field, in the dark, making some incoherent symbol, all to perpetuate some kind of hoax? Fine! It's aliens then.

Advice on how to dramatically change your life.

About seven years ago I ended my marriage. No-one was really to blame, let's just call it a mistake. I spent many years unhappy, so to seek solace from my misery I turned to Television. It was my crutch. My bottle of 'Jack Daniels.' My drug of choice. T.V. has a way of numbing you to the point of absorption: you are in another world that thinks for you, entertains you, informs you and controls you. On that fateful day of my self-imposed freedom, I had a life altering choice to make: To either buy a T.V., hook it up to cable and continue to be a couch potato OR choose to give it up completely and permanently. There and then I made the decision that dramatically changed my life: I gave it up.

 So, what do you do when you no longer have T.V. in your life? You start living. I ventured out into the world and started dating. Man, how things have changed! I met intelligent, empowered, insightful, compassionate, wise and wonderful women that taught me so much about me, them and how we interact. I was shown a different view, a new slant on the world. I was enlightened. I became a better man. I eventually found my future wife. Could all of these things have occurred had I not given up T.V.? Possibly, but not likely. I would have become part of the furniture, my eyes fixed to the screen.

Giving up T.V. on that fateful day started a domino effect that is still continuing today. With time on my hands during the evening hours, I ventured out into society. I ended up at a restaurant that hosted an 'open mic' night. I was feeling melancholy that evening but I decided to try my hand at fifteen minutes of stand-up comedy. I sat at the bar jotting down some notes and snippets creating a rough draft of my short routine. During my time slot, I 'killed' them. I left them laughing. I discovered a hidden talent.

While being out in the world, dating, I met a very interesting woman. What was interesting about her was her loud, boisterous laugh. A genuine laugh, not forced or phony in any way. I thought that she'd be a great audience for my comedy material. I offered to show her some things I had written and sure enough, she laughed until tears ran down her cheeks. After she regained her composure  she looked me in the eye and asked if I had written anything serious. I answered, I didn't. "You should," she said. I told her I would. Later that evening I laid in bed formulating the basis for my story. I expanded on my idea and spent the next few hours writing a one page short story. I showed it to her the next day. "You wrote this in one night?" she asked. "Yep," I replied. "This is good, you have to write more!" Well, I did, which set off the first domino. I wrote eleven short stories giving me the confidence to apply for a contributing writer's job for two local magazines. I became a columnist. Second domino to fall. Would I have become a columnist had I not given up T.V.? Highly unlikely.

Being on my own after departing the marriage, I was forced to cook for myself. No big deal really, I knew the basics and I could follow a recipe. Soon, after preparing my own meals, I realized how much I enjoyed doing it. I took great satisfaction in improvising and creating different meals for myself. I experimented more. I cooked for women I dated. I cooked for family members on holidays. I expanded what I was. I grew as a person. I learned to cook. Did this come about due to my extra time without T.V? Probably.

With still more time on my hands in the evening hours, I searched for a hobby to keep me occupied. I responded to a local newspaper ad looking for people who liked to sing. I had been singing non-professionally all of my life so I decided to join. While practicing at the band leaders home for a spring concert called, "The Italian Festival," I noticed boxes and boxes of books stacked by his front door. "What's with all the books?" I asked. "I'm thinning out my library. Do you want them?" Being an avid reader but never finding the time to read when I was married, I quickly answered, "Yes." I took home over 200 books and dug in. I increased my reading speed, my vocabulary, and boosted my knowledge of grammar and semantics. I became more intelligent. Could I have achieved this sitting like a vegetable on my couch? Nada.

So now I'm singing. I meet a fellow musician who is the band leader of a jazz, swing and standards band. I ask him if he needs a new lead singer. He informs me that he does. Soon I am lead vocalist for the 'Swingcats.' I must learn many new songs and memorize new lyrics. I perform with the band. I meet new people. I grow as a person. I played the drums in grade school and had a 'garage' band. I decide to take them up again and purchase a new set. Soon I am playing again and getting better and better. I enjoy playing drums. I have expanded my inner talents. I have grown as a person.

My latest venture is this blog that you are currently reading. The third domino to fall. Since giving up T.V. my I.Q. level has risen 21 points and I am creative and productive. Since I get all my news online and from National Public Radio, I am no longer spoon fed the news that T.V. supplied to me. I can make an unbiased decision regarding the news. I am not inundated by daily news shows that are more fluff than fact. I don't have to watch or care about Jon and Kate and their houseful of kids. I don't have to sit through hours of Michael Jackson news and tributes. I don't have to guess what killed Anna Nicole Smith. Will the results be the same for everyone that gives up the T.V? Obviously not, but I guarantee that your life will change for the better.