The Top 10 Reasons Why I, Ray Librandi Should Be On The Ellen Degeneres Show

1) Like Ellen, I am an Italian comedian originally from New York.
2) We have a major preference in common: We both like Women.
3) I’m a firm believer in the saying, “Porsche: (Portia) Except no substitute!
4) I have a lot of funny stories to tell.
5) I’m charismatic, good looking and interesting.
6) I have the most amazing life-changing story to tell!
7) It will be a ratings bonanza for her show: Every Librandi will be watching and there are a lot of us!
8) I’ve always wanted to visit California.
9) It will be a great boost for my writing career!
10) Real people are much more interesting than celebrities.

Advice For Men: How To Be Friends With A Woman

Men, do you have enough friends to fill a stadium, but when it comes to being friends with a woman you are clueless as to what to do? Read on for some helpful tips. If being friends with a woman is not on your agenda, go back to watching the football game and feed the dog. For those of you who are still reading, here we go!

Being friends with a woman isn't that much different than being friends with your guy buddies. There is a slightly different set of rules and you will have to open your mind to trying different things. First, the rules:
1) RESPECT.
If you are to be friends with a woman, you must show her the same amount, if not more respect than what you would show to men. If you respect a woman, she will be more apt to consider you as a friend. You will have to tone down the crude sexual references, vulgar language and female ogling that you normally share with your guy friends. Oh, and constantly dragging up female conquests of the past is not a good topic for conversation. Unless she specifically asks you to spill the beans about past liaisons to fulfill her own curiosity, stay off the subject. This goes for you married men as well. And if you think that by comparing your current female companion to past companions, in an effort to show the current one that she is superior in every way, FORGET IT! You may mean well, but THEY just don't get it. In their minds, any comparisons are an affront to them and their confidence as a woman. If you think that she's fantastic, just say it. If you are just casually dating and make plans to meet somewhere, be on time. Women also have boundaries that should not be crossed until she gives you the green light. Until such time, respect those boundaries as you would a RED light. A woman will match the respect that you give her in return. If the woman that you'd like to be friends with is your wife, respect should be an ongoing thing. Opening doors for her is such a small gesture, but you'd do the same for your guy friends wouldn't you? Don't expect a woman to share all of her secrets with you either. Women cherish their privacy, respect that too. If a woman shares more with you than she shares with her girl friends, consider yourself honored: you are a good friend!

2) JUST LISTEN!!
One key to being best friends with a woman is to just listen to her. You listen when your guy friends talk about what's happening, give a woman the same courtesy. Yes, her topics might seem strange and yes, her concerns might seem trivial to you and yes, her point of view may be different from what your guy friends' are but these things are not that hard to understand and they are what makes us grow as humans. If you are not the best conversationalist in the world then just listen. Being a sounding board for a woman shows her that you care. This will endear you to her. She will want to be your friend. Try not to be judgmental or get pulled into a gossip trap. She may be testing you. Be a stand-up guy and rise above. She will respect you all the more. You may get an earful of concerns or problems that you have no prior experience in solving. Don't try, you'll most likely get it wrong. Just listen. Women need to vent and sometimes they are venting about men. Open up your mind to see her point of view and you may find your best friend in a woman.

3) ACTIVITIES, ACTIVITIES.
"LET'S GET READY TO...............go shopping?" "Opposite sex" most times also means opposite ideas of entertainment. If your girlfriend/wife likes NASCAR, boxing, football, hunting, fishing, power tools and female mud wrestling, check her birth certificate. She's a MAN! If, in fact, there are no visible scars to the contrary, consider yourself lucky! The rest of us need to be more open minded. This will also be required of your potential female friend candidate. The easiest thing for both you and your lady friend to do is to make two separate lists. One will list all the activities that each of you love to do or are at least willing to try. The other list should contain every activity that you hate or wouldn't even consider trying. Make both lists broad and encompassing. When you're through, compare lists. You HAVE TO have some things in common, or are at least willing to try. I used to be a decent dart player, so I recently put up a dart board. I invited my wife to try it. She informed me that she wasn't ANY GOOD at it. We've played TWICE now and she's already beaten me once! I think she's a "ringer." Sorry, I digress. Guys, you have no idea what activities she may be interested in participating with you until you ask. Same goes for you. Put your "macho" image aside, and try cooking together. Go shopping with her. Grab her by the hand and take her for a long walk. Buy her a rod, reel and tackle box and take her fishing with you. If fishing is not her thing, just let her steer the boat. If you have both decided to partake in sports, try NOT to be so competitive. It won't kill you to lose once in a while. Oh, and NOBODY LIKES a sore loser. Not even your GUY friends. Encourage her and congratulate her when she wins. You do THAT with your guy friends too, don't you? Give her the same.

4) AFFECTION.
No, you fool, do NOT put her in a headlock and give her "noogies!" Nope, not a "wedgie" either. And don't even THINK about snapping a towel at her butt. Show her real affection. Make sure not to illegally cross any boundaries (see above) and always respect her (also see above). If your friendship with a woman is strictly platonic, be careful to gauge your affection accordingly. Consider this too when involved in a friendly, professional relationship. If you seek to be best friends with your wife or girlfriend, affection is the best way to start. I strongly and personally believe that you can't truly love someone who could never qualify as your best friend. When you fall in love with your best friend, there is no better feeling in the world.

If this advice helps you and enlightens you as a man, pass it along. We can use as much help as we can get.

X-MAS CARDS AND THE POST OFFICE

I received another Christmas card in the mail the other day. I appreciated the time it took for this person to have to physically go to the store, purchase it, drive home, address it, write a little note in it, stamp it, then either drop it off at the post office or stick it in their mailbox. WHEW! That's a lot of work just to perform a simple task. I appreciate the thought. But for me, X-mas cards are a double edged sword. First, being an agnostic, my view of what this holiday season means may not be the view shared by others. This feeling of holiday cheer and good will should be felt and demonstrated year long and not come upon us beginning the Friday after Thanksgiving and ending on new years day. But I digress. Back to the cards. So I have this collection of cards. With every new card that comes I feel more guilty about not sending out my own set of cards, or at least reciprocating to the ones I got. This guilty feeling sucks. It really puts a damper on my X-mas spirit. And then there are the cards I get from folks I haven't heard a peep from all year long. What am I supposed to think here? They only think of me once a year? A verbal conversation is not allowed? A ten minute phone call exchanging pleasantries would  have better demonstrated that they really care versus two lines in a card. Please don't view my comments as ungrateful; I take friendships very seriously and value each and every one. But to think of me only at Christmas seems a bit hypocritical. I think some people view X-mas cards as some sort of moral status. "Gee, if I send out two hundred Christmas cards, I MUST have lots of friends and be so well liked!" I call it the FACEBOOK syndrome. Thinking that you are so popular because you have 642 friends. But how many of those friends would come by to lend a hand on "moving day?" Just as I thought. And how about those press release diatribes that people send out, detailing every single thing that is happening in their lives. A Christmas "form letter!" Talk about impersonal! My advice: forget the cards and pick up the phone. You remember the phone don't you? It was the thing we used to communicate with before "email" came along. Call the people you haven't seen or spoken to all year. Ask how they are. Ask how their children are. Ask how their parents, brothers and sisters are. Tell them what is going on in your life and ask them the same. Say, "it was good talking to you and I wish you well." An "I love you" wouldn't hurt either.

 While I'm on the subject of cards, lets talk about the post office. An American institution in constant ridicule. Post office personnel have the second most thankless job on the planet right behind teachers. Look, their job is very stressful. Imagine being responsible for moving ton upon ton of mail every day. And how do we thank them? We make jokes about "going postal." Ask yourself this: Is there anyone I know that will come to my house, take a letter from me, carry it clear across the country and hand deliver it to someone of my choosing? No one? How about one of your 642 friends on FACEBOOK? And don't get me started about ALL the people who complain about the price of a stamp. Do you think that YOU could physically hand deliver a letter to someone 3,000 miles away for less than 44 cents? Well guess what? People do it for you day after day, no matter what the weather is or where they're going. And they never ask for a "thank you" either. Isn't it amazing the people and things we take for granted? So, the next time you're standing in line at the post office waiting to buy your stamps and the person either behind or in front of you comments about the HIGH PRICE, remind them of our little conversation. And realize one more thing: With email gaining momentum as the preferred method of mail delivery, it's only a matter of time before your mail man or mail woman is out of a job. More stress to add to an already stressful job. Be glad of who you are.
Happy holidays to everyone and peace to all that need it.

ADVICE FOR ALL: UNDERSTANDING TELL-TALE SIGNS

Money is an amazing thing. Money buys you a five cent piece of gum or it buys you unlimited power and influence. Money will also buy you an education. How well you use that education depends on many things. Geographic location, culture, access to literature and fine arts and your innate level of intelligence determined at birth are all contributing factors. Unfortunately for some, all or most of those factors are lacking which sometimes makes navigating through life a little difficult. Things that might seem crystal clear to some may be blurred or confusing to others.

Take for example, the ability to know when someone has left this world. That observation may seem like a task that cannot be mistaken, but apparently there are those among us who were short changed in the aforementioned education department. For that specific group I will now list certain signs that a loved one has departed.

1) Loss of appetite
2) Inability to hold a conversation
3) Fails to laugh at "American Idol" tryouts
4) Won't say, "bless you" after you sneeze
5) Personal hygiene is no longer a concern
6) Refuses to answer the phone
7) Forces you to guess what they want on their pizza
8) Shows little sign of joy when children or grandchildren come to visit
9) Will sit for hours listening to visiting Jehovah witnesses
10) Refuses to file income taxes

Some or all of these signs can be ignored by people in the general vicinity of a deceased person who have failed to reach a certain level of intelligence. CLICK HERE to read about just such people. I only wish I had published this article say, eight months ago. I could have spared many people the responsibility of guessing.

ADVICE FOR WOMEN: AVOID THIS MISTAKE.

If you're a reader of this blog, by now you may know my opinion of men. I blame them for most of the world's strife and for not striving to become better human beings. But, not all men fall into these categories. Time nor space allows me to name all the good men on the planet but each and every one of us knows one or more. As time passes and I grow older and hopefully wiser, I have noticed a condition or set of circumstances that contribute or cause families to break down and fall apart. I have watched couples that I have known through the years grow further apart and ultimately divorce. I believe I have uncovered a universal root cause: Women tend to ignore their husbands when children are added to a relationship. If your view of women is of the caretaker, then this is a natural thing and should not be looked upon as a fault. In general, women spend much more time with their children unless they have a stay at home dad and the wife is the main provider. Unfortunately, in today's society, both mother and father need to work to support a family. Back to the subject at hand. Of the couple's I have known, in every single instance where divorce divided the family, one key ingredient was always missing: true, unquestionable, love. They never truly loved each other. Most were high school sweethearts that thought marriage was the next logical step in their relationship. But the love we experience when we're young isn't always strong enough to keep a relationship going when kids are thrown into the mix. Couple the fact that most men are selfish and self-centered with a wife whose children demand most of her attention and time, and it's no wonder most men feel ignored and useless. They distance themselves from the family, spend time with their buddies or go off on their own, counting the days until they can leave.

I am not pointing the finger of blame at any one person. I am merely stating the obvious. Men need to take more of an active role in raising children. If a marriage is a partnership then both parents should work in unison. If a man comes home from work after a long day, drops himself on the couch and gets sucked into the T.V. set, he's going to miss out on a lot. By the same token, a woman needs to divide her time between her children and her man. But, some men are already absent from the relationship by the time the kids come along. No amount of attention or inclusion is going to make them stay. Here is where that initial bond of true love comes into play. If it wasn't there in the beginning, and the kids take all of mommy's time, the relationship is doomed. Another big mistake that women make is thinking that by adding some children into a "rocky" marriage, they will be the cement that binds them. This action can go either way, but in every scenario that I have seen this happen, the results were always the same: A long, loveless marriage where the kids are the pawns and suffer in the end.

So, my advice is plain: Marry someone that you are truly in love with. Let children be the result of that love. Let the job of raising them be a joint effort and never take your partner for granted.

DR. SEUSS HAD IT RIGHT ALL ALONG

Is it December already? I must not have been paying attention. I must have missed the covert overnight transformation that most retail stores perform around this time. You know what I’m talking about: Christmas decorations. The fact that they appear earlier and earlier each year just adds to my general feeling of disillusionment and manipulation. Each year, Christmas is thrust upon us whether we like it or not. And each year I feel more disconnected and empty. And I know why. But first, a little history. My parents, both non-practicing Catholics, sent me to parochial school to obtain the best education they could afford. It worked, but I lost my religion in the process. I have joined the ranks of the millions of “reformed” and now consider myself agnostic. Which is just one ladder rung up from atheist. I have theorized my own belief system and I am happy with it. That’s fodder for another column so for now I’ll just stick to the holiday blues. When you remove the standard religious dogma from Christmas and then expose Santa Claus for who they really are (parents) what have you got left to celebrate? All of you out there reading this just thought to yourselves a unanimous, “not much!” Exactly my point. So, after much thought I have concluded why this time of year makes some of us depressed, suicidal, alone and disconnected.
    It’s simply this: Christmas is not about trees covered in lights and garland. Or eggnog, turkey or pies. It’s not vintage T.V. specials, movies or twenty-four hours of X-mas music on the radio. No flying reindeer, elves, or flashy-dressed intruders who enter via your chimney. No wreaths, poinsettia or mistletoe. It’s not overly adorned retail stores, “tickle me Elmos” or bell ringing volunteers guarding a big, black pot. It’s not snow covered mornings or carolers serenading you with hymns. Nor is it about three wise men.
    You cannot experience Christmas extraneously because Christmas is an idea. It is born of one’s own mind and heart. It’s an attitude. It’s letting your guard down. It’s forgetting the differences between us and accepting each other for who we are. It’s a smile or a handshake. Being considerate of your fellow man or woman. It’s holding the door for someone or giving up your place in line at the check-out for the person with just one item. It’s buying someone who looks needy a cup of coffee or a bite to eat. It’s yielding the right-of-way to someone in traffic and appreciating their wave of thanks. It’s calling old friends and reminding them how much they mean to you. It’s telling your children and grand children how much you love them. And there is no better gift that you can give than telling your parents how much you love them and thanking them for impacting on your life. It’s forgiving old debts and resolving old issues. It’s opening up your heart and mind to an overabundance of goodwill towards each other. It’s finding inner peace in the notion that we were all created by the same entity and that we are truly all brothers and sisters sharing the same home.
    That is how I will celebrate Christmas this year. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll expand it a little more each year until I can experience that warm fuzzy feeling year round. And maybe some of it will rub off. Maybe it will catch on. Maybe all the mayhem produced by all those insane Christmas shoppers won’t matter anymore. Maybe Christmas won’t be about how much you can spend or how big your gift can be. Maybe we can learn from those mythical “Who’s” from that Dr. Seuss classic, “How the Grinch stole Christmas!”  They were unfazed at awakening to a Christmas morning devoid of all the trappings and celebrated notwithstanding. Although, a generous portion of “roast beast” never hurt anybody. Happy Holidays.


Used by permission of THE NEXT 50

Another woman loses her life in the pursuit of perfection.

I am shaking my head in disbelief. Today, a top MSN news story is supplying me with the facts surrounding a former beauty queen's death. Apparently, a young woman has died due to complications she suffered after having a "buttocks enhancement" procedure. At first read, it almost sounds like the punchline to a joke in very poor taste, but I am not laughing. I am very serious. This woman got the idea in her head that her butt just wasn't FIRM enough to suit her. Why would she  possibly entertain this notion? Is there a NATIONAL BUTT FIRMNESS GUIDE? Has she broken any law? Was she being harassed by men following her around on a daily basis insisting that she have "buns of steel?" The answer to all these questions is YES! Oh, maybe not as bluntly or as sarcastically as I have written it but the motivation was there all the same. In my humble opinion, men are the root cause for such action. Men have raised the beauty and body bar so high for women that they are forced to consider such craziness. Today, thanks to modern technology it's no holds barred. Anything you want larger, smaller, fuller, thinner, longer, shorter, lighter, darker, smoother or removed can be accomplished. Whatever happened to moderation? Whatever happened to being self-content? Are most women's self-esteem so low that they have to risk death just to look better than the next woman? Apparently so. This woman did not have to die. There are other means of attaining the results that she sought. Walking backwards uphill on a treadmill would have acquired the same results. But again, a simple solution to a problem that should not exist. I believe every woman on the planet should turn the tables. They should not even consider a man with gray hair, wrinkles, thin lips, small pecs, a big gut, spaghetti legs, or wooly mammoth body hair. Give them a taste of their own medicine. Make them work like dogs at the gym, undergo liposuction and hair dye. Make them wax their body hair and get face lifts. Shun them and make them feel inferior until they are perfect. Make them know what it is to be a woman. There, I am finished with my tirade for the day. Click here to read the MSN news story. Women, stop the insanity!

Advice for all: How to avoid bloodshed on Thanksgiving Day!

Isn't it sad that I have to write an article like this regarding such a family oriented occasion? But, without fail, on the Friday after Thanksgiving, I always find an article about death or bloodshed at the Thanksgiving table. So sad! There are no logical reasons to kill family members on this occasion, but people die nevertheless. Maybe one reason for this is the "feeding frenzy" mentality that accompanies the anticipation of a large, mouthwatering meal. Deep inside, we are all still animals and maybe some instincts cannot be controlled. With this in mind I have compiled a list of what not to do on thanksgiving day to stay alive. I hope this helps!

1) The first time being in someone else's home  for Thanksgiving dinner.
The goal here is to try not to create tension in a new environment. No matter what, do not question why your host has to have 3 Christmas trees up at the same time. Maybe they're taking a botany class. And never comment on it being "too early" to put up the tree. Not everyone shares the same time schedule. Try to ignore the life size crucifix hanging in the foyer that greets you as soon as you walk in. Never comment on this! Remember, religion is one of those 'touchy' subjects that one should never discuss. Pay no attention to a house so cluttered that you need a "YOU ARE HERE" map just to find your way to the nearest bathroom. Not EVERYBODY has a housekeeper so try to hide that look of chaos on your face, 'Buffy.'
While navigating through someone's home, never open closed doors, enter, and rifle through dresser drawers and closets, unless you're absolutely sure that you haven't been followed. Any incriminating evidence you find should be kept secret until things get 'dicey' at the dinner table. Never assume that YOU can sit at the end of the table. THIS is reserved for (a) the cook. (b) the woman of the house. (c) the man of the house. (d) the grandparent residing in the house. The one with the flatulence problem, or (e) anyone in a wheelchair. You will sit where you're told to, DAMMIT, and be quiet about it! Every turkey ever hatched has only two drumsticks. There are 12 of you sitting around the table. You have a 1 in 6 chance of getting a leg and those are crappy odds. A sure fire way to end up in an ambulance en-route to the nearest hospital is claim one of these for your own. Your best bet is to wait until everyone has taken what they want off the 'meat' tray, then should there be a lone leg on said tray, grab for that sucka' with both hands.

2) Hosting the Thanksgiving meal.
AHA! Here you have the 'home' advantage. There are steps you can take to minimize the violence. One is to have a big screen television blaring the Thanksgiving day football game. Men are easily distracted by this and will blindly follow the commotion until they reach the living room and plop themselves down on a couch. It's best to herd them all into one place to keep an eye on them. Have a CO2 fire extinguisher on hand to control any arguments over 'foul calls' or 'player stats.' Another thing to do is to 'weapon proof' the house. Remove all machine guns, rifles, pistols, paintball guns, crossbows, knives, swords, darts, pool cues, pool balls, fireplace utensils, baseball bats, hockey sticks, rolling pins, scissors, nail clippers and safety razors. Pre-cut every ounce of food you plan to serve into bite-sized portions and set the table with spoons only. Bury ALL your knives and forks in the back yard just to be safe. If you are hosting a large part of your family for Thanksgiving dinner, here are some subjects that you should NEVER discuss. (a) religion ;see above. (b) politics. (c) anyone recently "coming out of the closet." (d) revising your parents' will. (e) who those parents should stay with because they're not staying in MY house, DAMMIT!
Try and limit the amount of alcohol served. A bunch of drunk, stuffed, hot and sweaty relatives cramped around a table normally built for six is a recipe for danger. DO NOT SERVE CRANBERRY SAUCE! No one really knows what this stuff is made from. And the fact that it resembles the inside of the can it just came out of, while sitting  there on a large, white plate, just creates anxiety and confusion. Diffuse the situation. As soon as the last bit of pie has been eaten and there isn't a drop of coffee left, bring all of the coats out from off of the master bedroom's bed, and hand them out. The quicker a crowd disperses, the more lives you can save. Happy Thanksgiving.

Advice on how to dramatically change your life.

About seven years ago I ended my marriage. No-one was really to blame, let's just call it a mistake. I spent many years unhappy, so to seek solace from my misery I turned to Television. It was my crutch. My bottle of 'Jack Daniels.' My drug of choice. T.V. has a way of numbing you to the point of absorption: you are in another world that thinks for you, entertains you, informs you and controls you. On that fateful day of my self-imposed freedom, I had a life altering choice to make: To either buy a T.V., hook it up to cable and continue to be a couch potato OR choose to give it up completely and permanently. There and then I made the decision that dramatically changed my life: I gave it up.

 So, what do you do when you no longer have T.V. in your life? You start living. I ventured out into the world and started dating. Man, how things have changed! I met intelligent, empowered, insightful, compassionate, wise and wonderful women that taught me so much about me, them and how we interact. I was shown a different view, a new slant on the world. I was enlightened. I became a better man. I eventually found my future wife. Could all of these things have occurred had I not given up T.V.? Possibly, but not likely. I would have become part of the furniture, my eyes fixed to the screen.

Giving up T.V. on that fateful day started a domino effect that is still continuing today. With time on my hands during the evening hours, I ventured out into society. I ended up at a restaurant that hosted an 'open mic' night. I was feeling melancholy that evening but I decided to try my hand at fifteen minutes of stand-up comedy. I sat at the bar jotting down some notes and snippets creating a rough draft of my short routine. During my time slot, I 'killed' them. I left them laughing. I discovered a hidden talent.

While being out in the world, dating, I met a very interesting woman. What was interesting about her was her loud, boisterous laugh. A genuine laugh, not forced or phony in any way. I thought that she'd be a great audience for my comedy material. I offered to show her some things I had written and sure enough, she laughed until tears ran down her cheeks. After she regained her composure  she looked me in the eye and asked if I had written anything serious. I answered, I didn't. "You should," she said. I told her I would. Later that evening I laid in bed formulating the basis for my story. I expanded on my idea and spent the next few hours writing a one page short story. I showed it to her the next day. "You wrote this in one night?" she asked. "Yep," I replied. "This is good, you have to write more!" Well, I did, which set off the first domino. I wrote eleven short stories giving me the confidence to apply for a contributing writer's job for two local magazines. I became a columnist. Second domino to fall. Would I have become a columnist had I not given up T.V.? Highly unlikely.

Being on my own after departing the marriage, I was forced to cook for myself. No big deal really, I knew the basics and I could follow a recipe. Soon, after preparing my own meals, I realized how much I enjoyed doing it. I took great satisfaction in improvising and creating different meals for myself. I experimented more. I cooked for women I dated. I cooked for family members on holidays. I expanded what I was. I grew as a person. I learned to cook. Did this come about due to my extra time without T.V? Probably.

With still more time on my hands in the evening hours, I searched for a hobby to keep me occupied. I responded to a local newspaper ad looking for people who liked to sing. I had been singing non-professionally all of my life so I decided to join. While practicing at the band leaders home for a spring concert called, "The Italian Festival," I noticed boxes and boxes of books stacked by his front door. "What's with all the books?" I asked. "I'm thinning out my library. Do you want them?" Being an avid reader but never finding the time to read when I was married, I quickly answered, "Yes." I took home over 200 books and dug in. I increased my reading speed, my vocabulary, and boosted my knowledge of grammar and semantics. I became more intelligent. Could I have achieved this sitting like a vegetable on my couch? Nada.

So now I'm singing. I meet a fellow musician who is the band leader of a jazz, swing and standards band. I ask him if he needs a new lead singer. He informs me that he does. Soon I am lead vocalist for the 'Swingcats.' I must learn many new songs and memorize new lyrics. I perform with the band. I meet new people. I grow as a person. I played the drums in grade school and had a 'garage' band. I decide to take them up again and purchase a new set. Soon I am playing again and getting better and better. I enjoy playing drums. I have expanded my inner talents. I have grown as a person.

My latest venture is this blog that you are currently reading. The third domino to fall. Since giving up T.V. my I.Q. level has risen 21 points and I am creative and productive. Since I get all my news online and from National Public Radio, I am no longer spoon fed the news that T.V. supplied to me. I can make an unbiased decision regarding the news. I am not inundated by daily news shows that are more fluff than fact. I don't have to watch or care about Jon and Kate and their houseful of kids. I don't have to sit through hours of Michael Jackson news and tributes. I don't have to guess what killed Anna Nicole Smith. Will the results be the same for everyone that gives up the T.V? Obviously not, but I guarantee that your life will change for the better.

Advice on how to beat a traffic ticket.

     If you think flashing some cleavage at the patrol officer leaning in your window is going to get you out of that, "failed to stop at stop sign" ticket, you're sadly mistaken. I tried it and all I got was another ticket, "attempting to bribe a police officer!" Be that as it may, there are some traffic violations that you can beat in court if you know how. First, let's be perfectly clear: some tickets you will absolutely not beat. If you run a red light and "T-bone" a passing car, you're gonna' have a hard time wiggling out of that one. If you run through a stop sign at a four way intersection with a patrol car on all sides of you, there's another one you might not win. But because there are literally hundreds of traffic infractions that you could incur during the course of just driving to the nearest 7-11, you might be able to beat some of them.

     The first thing you need to do is to be prepared. Keep a small notebook and pen in your glove compartment to take notes when you are first pulled over. Note the day, time, traffic conditions, weather, and most importantly where the patrol officer's car was when he or she spotted you allegedly breaking the law. If the officer decides to cite you for an infraction and you are absolutely positive that you did not commit the said infraction, by all means DO NOT ARGUE WITH HIM OR HER! Say nothing, but take or make notes of what the officer says to you. THIS IS IMPORTANT!
    
     In order to win your case you will have to go to court. Do not fear this. The law states that every person is innocent until proven guilty. Do not fear the judge or be intimidated by the court or it's proceedings. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HIRE A LAWYER IN ALL CASES. If you have done your homework and follow my advice, you have just as good a chance to win without one. To get started, you will have to prepare your case. You will do this at home.

1) Gather information.
     If possible, go back to the exact location of where you received your ticket and take pictures. Take pictures of where you were. Take pictures of where the officer was when he or she spotted you. Take pictures of traffic flow, and any other pertinent locations. Develop these and be ready to use them.
Supply any and all pertinent information regarding your car, it's uniqueness, it's status in society. If it's a high performance sports car, note that. If it's a 'Yugo' on it's last legs, note that too. If you have high performance tires, brakes, handling, note these too.

     Make a large, easy to understand detailed schematic of the site where the infraction occurred. Note the direction and location of your vehicle. Most importantly, note the direction and location of the officers vehicle. Note traffic lights, stop signs, gas stations, convenient stores and pedestrian cross walks. Be extra thorough!
If you have recently taken a driver improvement course, bring this with you to court. This next piece of advice is most important: WRITE DOWN EVERY QUESTION THAT YOU INTEND TO ASK THE PATROL OFFICER WHEN YOUR DAY IN COURT ARRIVES!

2) In court.
Believe it or not, just showing up to court on the appointed day can win you your case. If the patrol officer fails to show up by the time your case is called, your case is dismissed. You win! Do not rely on this. Dress for court. Wearing a suit or business wear to court makes a very good impression on a judge. If you own one, bring all your files and photos to court in a brief case. If you don't own one, a metal file holder or a professional clipboard will suffice. Your name will be called when it is your time to approach the bench. Do not panic and try to stay calm. A friendly demeanor or a smile wins people over. Never approach the bench with a "chip" on your shoulder. The judge will acknowledge you and your infraction. He or she will ask the officer to speak first and explain his or her reasoning for giving you the infraction. No matter what the officer says stay calm, do not interrupt and keep quiet. You will get your chance.

     After the officer has said his or her piece, the judge will then ask you if you have any questions for the officer. IT'S SHOWTIME!  Time for you to go to work. Inform the judge that you do have questions, face the officer and as calmly and as succinctly as you can pose your first question. Give the officer ample time to answer. Ask your questions in a breezy tone and do not get riled or flustered by whatever the officer says. Stay focused. Right here, right now it's your word against his or hers. Your number one job here is to convince the judge that the officer erred in judgment when writing your summons. Use all of your notes, pictures and pertinent information to support your argument. Offer to show the judge your facts. Stay cool and calm throughout. If you have presented a convincing enough rebuttal, the judge will likely rule in your favor. Thank the judge and be on your way.

     Best of luck, Ray.

For Women only : Understanding Men and why they do what they do.

*Editors note*  I may be at risk of alienating a small portion of the male species with this following article but the men that I point a finger at don't necessarily read these types of articles anyway. I do not claim to know every man, nor do I claim to be a perfect man. I am merely providing my opinion and observations. I call 'em the way I see 'em. Any intelligent man reading this will most likely not see themselves included in some of the generalizations that lie ahead. -ed.

Men. How I hate to be lumped into that group. But I am a man, guilty of some of the mistakes that accompany being a man, but I try to rise above. As an observer of men, I have a bit of insight into why they act and behave as they do. I believe women are entitled to share in this information to help them understand. Here goes!

Men are idiots. Not all, but most. History has provided  large numbers of men who defy my first statement, but mostly, they're idiots. Only a man would yell, "Hey! Watch this!." Which usually leads to sirens, paramedics, fire hoses, destruction of property, bandages and casts. A woman would never do this. The ensuing laughter caused by the aforementioned scenario is usually attributed to women. Men shoot each other while hunting in the woods. How big of an idiot do you have to be to mistake a two hundred twenty pound man wearing a bright red hat for a fawn? Even deer laugh at those guys. Men blow limbs off making bombs. Men kill each other over a pair of sneakers. Men routinely destroy perfectly good relationships with women for the most ridiculous reasons. Let's dig deeper into that one, shall we?

Besides being idiots, most men have zero confidence. Why? Maybe they weren't nurtured as a child. Maybe they were constantly put down, humiliated or compared to another child, their own shortcomings always being pointed out. Any number of issues can result in low self-esteem or lack of confidence. In a relationship with a woman is where a man with these attributes will try to prove himself. He's the guy looking for an affair. He's the guy who will cheat. He will run the risk of losing everything just to prove himself a man in his woman's eyes. Then, of course, is the other side of the spectrum : EGO MAN! This guy is a legend in his own mind. He has bought into society's perceived idea of what a man should be, hook, line and sinker. He is a force to be reckoned with. He's the controlling guy. The guy who monitors his woman's every move, her friends, her money and the amount of freedom he is willing to dole out. He is a jealous man. Doesn't even let another man look at his property. But he is not alone. Low confidence man is jealous too! He is afraid  that the guy sitting on the bar stool next to his girl friend is going to snatch her away when he goes to the men's room. A man of true self-confidence has no interest in any of this behavior.

Ever wonder why he doesn't call after that supposedly wonderful first date? Besides being idiots, most men are cowards when it comes to communicating with women. Most are awkward with words and fear saying the wrong thing. He won't call you because in retrospect some minute detail about you has turned him off and he doesn't have the nerve to tell you that he doesn't want to see you again. It's less painful for him to just ignore you. Silly and rude behavior.

By now, most women know that most men are visually stimulated. If they see something appealing to the eye, the little head takes over. This can cause relationship problems down the road. Most men would love their wives or girlfriends to be Miss America beautiful with runway model shapes and porn star techniques in the bedroom. Welcome to the real world. If your husband or boyfriend cares nothing about the aforementioned statement, consider him unique and yourself lucky. He truly loves you for who you are no matter what you look like. He is in a minority. For the rest of the male population who can't handle a woman's physique after childbirth or accept a woman's form as it ages, those men will most likely cheat, avoid sex or limit sex, making a woman's life miserable. There is no viable excuse to be made for this behavior.

Men are almost always in competition with other men. This makes them selfish. This makes them roll over and attempt sleep after three minutes of love making. What? You weren't satisfied? Too bad, it's all about him. The truly confident man feels no need to compete. He doesn't have to have it all. Selfish is not in his vocabulary. He is the man who will spend hours making love to a woman ensuring that she is satisfied too. Ladies, if you have one of these, consider him unique and yourself lucky.

Men are capable of horrific atrocities. They wage war against each other. Men, women and children are all targets. Women need to remember that although men are classified as Homosapiens, they are mammals too. They are animals still evolving. They are primitive. Some have progressed past this and have shown a great capacity for compassion and beauty. All men should aspire to this. But some barely walk erect causing pain and embarrassment to the rest of us. My hope is that one day all men will suddenly realize that there is this wonderful, compassionate, loving, caring, loyal creature next to them who can be their best friend too. A woman.

When it's no longer necessary to speak

The Queens, New York neighborhood that I grew up in during the sixties, easily numbered between 50 and 60 kids. We were an adolescent melting pot consisting of Italians, Germans, Irish, English and Africans. Most of us were second or third generation, and we all spoke English. When we weren’t in school, or confined by inclement weather, we were outside because that’s where everything happened. It would not be uncommon to see thirty kids playing tag or stick ball. We would discuss amongst ourselves all the topics of importance: who had the most baseball cards? Who received a new bike for their birthday? Who knew anything about the birds and the bees? Who wanted to be what when they grew up? Our mothers would stand on their porches and call out for us at dinner time, and after literally inhaling our food, we’d practically tear the screen door off its hinges trying to get back to our friends. The only delay would be the obligatory questions from our parents in regards to our day. Outside, we’d play various games until dark until our numbers started to dwindle as our mothers would once again emerge, yell and depart.
No one feared the outside world. If a stranger ever wandered down our street looking for trouble, a child to prey on, he was met by an undivided front, fearless in the protection of one of its own. If all of our collective parents didn’t know each other by name, you can bet they knew the names of every kid from our block. We were a community. If somebody fell ill, or got caught up in drugs, or was in a family crisis, we cared. There were no secrets. We’d never think twice about gathering at someone’s home to offer our help. We held block parties, birthday parties and sleepovers. Our mothers played cards with each other on Wednesday nights and volunteered their time to be den mothers when we became cub scouts. At night, in our homes, we’d watch television together, laugh together, talk to each other.
Fast forward to today. Seldom do you see children playing outside. A child will spend hours alone with a “Game Boy” or “X-Box” or a “Wii.” And those are not exclusively for children. Adults will not hesitate to do the same. A lot of teenagers have discovered “online gaming,” where many of them can log on to a game screen and using a microphone and an assumed name, can communicate with each other while gunning down various antagonists. All while safely alone in their rooms. I can’t speak for anyone else, but the whole concept just creeps me out.
Today we have Facebook and Myspace where kids and adults volunteer personal information about themselves while silently waiting for someone to come along, notice them and then start to “chat,” letting their keyboards do all the work. The days of, “Tell so and so that I like them,” are gone. So are formal introductions. And then there’s email, which has practically replaced the telephone and the spoken word as the new means of communication. No longer do you have to look someone in the eye and tell them they’re fired. Or, you don’t love them anymore. Or, a loved one has died. You can safely hide behind your keyboard, express any thought or emotion, and never say a word. Today, a conversation between two people using their mouths and ears is almost as outdated as a cassette tape.
How did we ever survive without a cell phone? A marvel of our time. The freedom to talk to virtually anyone, anywhere at anytime and how have we, as thinking mammals with functioning voice boxes exploited its versatility? By “text messaging” each other. Genius! Again, we can sidestep the intimate quality of the human voice and read our messages instead.
There are countless numbers of websites that help you find friends, lovers and trysts. No longer do you have to wash up, dress up, and mosey on down to the local bar, supermarket, bookstore, church, or restaurant to meet someone new. Your keystrokes will break the ice and you can pour your heart out to cyberspace. Granted, for those amongst us who are painfully shy this is a godsend, but there is no substitute for the excitement you feel when you are face to face with someone new, look them in the eye and say, “It’s really nice to meet you!”
My opinion is that the modernized human race is slowly evolving into a species that will eventually come full circle. Thousands of years ago we started out as individuals living in caves with no formal means of verbal communication. Slowly, over time, we learned to speak common sounds that would translate into language. From there we taught each other, shared ideas, and connected with each other. We became a community. But the gameboy and online gaming and dating sites and personal sites and emails and text messaging require little to no oral communication. We can isolate ourselves and not have to speak to each other. All sense of community will be lost. We will revert back to what we were: alone, in our caves typing away as our keyboards do all the talking. I can see it now: I’m ninety, in a nursing home and I’m trying to get an attendant’s attention. My bedpan needs to be emptied, but keyboard is useless because, just my luck, I have arthritic fingers. People, talk to each other!

* Used with permission by The Next 50.

The 'DO' and 'DON'T' of Internet Dating

For all you folks out there in cyberland, either in the middle of or about to embark on using Internet dating sites as a way to get shot in the butt by 'Cupid', here is some invaluable advice.
1) Pick a site. Gee, how they have multiplied! Today, there are plenty to choose from. Some sites act as nothing more than a database where you the user do all the work, navigating from profile to profile trying to determine winners from losers, sane from stark raving mad, saints from sinners. If challenges are what you seek out of life, go with these. Other sites require you to fill out PAGES AND PAGES of information regarding EVERYTHING from 'favorite color' to 'if you saw a person crossing the street carrying a 'WOOLWORTH'S' bag and they were hit by a speeding ambulance carrying a heart attack victim whose wife cheats on him, would you shop at 'WOOLWORTH'S'? THESE sites do most of the matchmaking chores for you providing you with the number one person for you on the planet. Good luck with that! I'm a strong believer in balance, so find a site that helps as much as possible but gives you plenty of options. Remember, variety is the spice of life. I think a Sultan said that.
2) LIES, LIES, NOTHING BUT LIES! Everyone knows what a lie is. Our mothers taught us about those. Remember how soap tastes? Sorry to bring back painful memories but I had to make a point. Every site you choose will make you fill out a PROFILE. This is what represents you to the love searching world. This is where you will provide pertinent information about yourself. This is where you will lie! And we all know about lies. They can lie dormant for years until one day they show up at your door. Then, the truth comes out. So, where am I going with this? When filling out your initial profile information you will be confronted with questions like: AGE, BODY TYPE, PERSONALITY, LIKES AND DISLIKES, etc., etc. You will be given a list of choices to answer all of these questions. This is where you'll want to lie, but this is the most important place to be honest. 'AGE' is the easiest place to lie. Don't fall into this trap. If you type in 41 but in reality look like your grandmother or grandfather, there's going to be some 'splaning to do. Nobody likes surprises. Under 'BODY TYPE', if you've put on a few extra pounds since high school graduation, be honest. Type it in. If you are so thin that your feet leave the ground when the wind blows, type that too. Again, no one likes surprises. Be honest about your 'LIKES' and 'DISLIKES' choices too. If you click on the 'CANDLES' choice for 'LIKES' and the only wax that can be found in your house is in your ears, YOU'RE LYING!
3) DON'T SPILL THE BEANS! It is not necessary to write every single nuance about yourself. Leave something for the imagination. Be a little mysterious. Not, 'UNI BOMBER' mysterious, but leave some things out for later conversations, or for revelations during that ride to 'meet the parents'. Save some of yourself so you'll be interesting. If not, you'll have nothing to say to each other during that all important 'first date'. Can you say, "Awkward silence?"
4) FOOLS RUSH IN! Anybody know the difference between love and infatuation? Good!, so you all know that a small profile picture and some words on paper don't always measure up when face to face. Let's say that you've found someone interesting on your dating site and they are interested in you too. You've spent a week and a half exchanging emails, chatting on the phone, flirting a little and a fondness has developed between you. Finally, the night of the big date comes. You meet, but after five minutes you both realize there is NO chemistry between you and sadly you both go home feeling lonely and depressed. Happens all the time. One way to keep this from happening is to limit email and phone conversations between you and your new 'possible' but meet each other at a neutral, busy place like a coffee shop or a bookstore. Set up the meeting after only a few days so as to not have too many expectations unmet. In essence, keep your heart guarded until you've met and let nature take it's natural course.
5) IT'S A NUMBERS GAME! The odds that you'll meet Mr./Ms. right on the first date are like me getting a guest shot on 'OPRAH'(but there's always hope!) Take it from me, you are going to go on a lot of dates before you hit the jackpot. And this is good. It will keep you from 'settling' on the first person with a pulse. And whatever you do, NEVER ACCEPT A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL ON THE FIRST DATE! Unless of course, the other person has a Lear jet, chateau in the Swiss alps and a Ferrari!
Happy hunting. Ray.

Help me rid the world of "You know," "Like" and "umm"

There is something that drives me crazy besides trying to figure out why the "Kardashian" women are famous. It's when people incessantly use the fillers, "You know," "Like" and "Umm" while conversing. Umm, like, you know what I'm talking about? You never see people include these words on paper(unless being quoted)so how come they are spoken nonetheless? Because these words are now part of our vocabulary, our culture. We hear everyone else around us using them and so sub-consciously we use them too. And it's only when someone else points out to YOU that you are doing it that you realize it. One afternoon I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop, the one that starts in S and ends in S when I happened to over hear a conversation between a smartly dressed older man and a young woman. They sat right behind me so eavesdropping was unavoidable. After noticing a few "You knows" coming from the young woman who was obviously a college student I started to count them. Sometimes I couldn't count them fast enough which made me laugh, but not loud enough to draw attention to myself. After twenty minutes I had to leave the coffee shop to run an errand but not before counting 157 "You knows" before leaving. I left them there still talking, racking up even more YK's after I left. So what are we to do? You may read this and think me a snobbish intellectual, but I, like others had fallen into the same trap myself. It takes a constant awareness of monitoring my own speech to not utter some YK's. Yet I still slip. Is this a problem on the scale of global warming? No, but habitually using these fillers slows a conversation down, slowly grates on the others involved in the conversation and ultimately makes the user look un-intelligent. The words "You know" and "Like" cannot be stricken from the English language. They still have meaning in the proper context. For example:Do YOU KNOW the way to San Jose'? I would LIKE to take you to bed. There really is no logical need for "Umm" You know?

What NOT to say to your lady -------for men only!

This post is for men only so I'll wait while all the women reading this leave the room. hum....hum...hum...la-de-da....hum....hum.. I think they are all gone now.
Men, and I use the term loosely, listen up. The following advice will help save your life. How many times has your girlfriend/fiance'/wife/boyfriend (I don't discriminate) come home from work in a BADDD mood and you've said the absolutely most wrong thing to say causing that, "I'm going to castrate you in your sleep!" look?? What? I can't hear you with your feet in your mouths. Oh!, that many! Pathetic! The following is what NOT to say AND examples of what TO say to your lady. Now, pay attention.
1) "Yeah? You think you had a bad day, well let me tell you about what happened at.........." Wrong, wrong wrong. Your lady has had a bad day. Any number of things could have gone wrong for her. You have no idea the crap she has to deal with on a daily basis. Right now it's about HER. The last thing she wants to hear is how bad your day was. Usually, a woman will mellow a bit during the ride home and let some steam escape. If she walks through the door with smoke emanating from her eyes, the ride home wasn't long enough. What she needs now is compassion and understanding. Women are emotional creatures with sometimes raging hormones that we as men cannot comprehend. The right thing to say is, "Hi honey, you look like you've had a bad day. If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you" Then, give her a big hug. Now, how hard was that?
2) "Hey, are you going to cook tonight or what?" Bad, bad, bad. Where is your brain? Most working women do not make the same salary as men for performing the same job. They are sometimes expected to "Run get coffee,"Pick out a nice birthday present for my wife" and "so and so is leaving, we need a going away cake." President Lincoln might have freed the slaves but some women are still on parole. The last thing she wants to hear while in this foul mood is if she will be expected to perform one more task. Later on, the chore of cooking dinner for you both might not seem like such a bad request but right now, after proposing the aforementioned request, if she had an UZI, you'd look like Swiss cheese. A few choices of the RIGHT thing to say could be: "You look tired. Should I call for a pizza?" "What say we go to that nice, quiet place where we met for dinner?" And the number one thing you could say is, "How about I cook for you tonight?" Then, get out the candles, put on a Sinatra C.D. and roll up your sleeves. She'll think your body's been inhabited by aliens but you will look like Prince Charming in her eyes.
3) "Man! do I get horny when you're angry!" You'd better hide the knives after that one, Einstein! What are you thinking with, the big head or the little one? You'd better get a clue because a woman's libido and your libido are on two separate planets. The way into a woman's pants is through her mind, but right now her one goal is how to kill you but not stain the carpet. Later on, after you've cooked her dinner and shared a bottle of wine, she might be inclined to jump your bones but right now the cookie jar is sealed with a padlock. There really is no right thing to say. She has to cool down, unwind, de-compress. You want to help in that process? Actions speak louder than words. Find a large piece of paper, draw a 'Happy face' on it and hand it to her. Or, run out into the backyard, grab the first flower you see and hand it to her. Doesn't matter if it's a weed, to her it's just the thought. I hope I've been a help and pass along this information to your dopey friends so as to help them too. Bye.