The Top 10 Reasons Why I, Ray Librandi Should Be On The Ellen Degeneres Show

1) Like Ellen, I am an Italian comedian originally from New York.
2) We have a major preference in common: We both like Women.
3) I’m a firm believer in the saying, “Porsche: (Portia) Except no substitute!
4) I have a lot of funny stories to tell.
5) I’m charismatic, good looking and interesting.
6) I have the most amazing life-changing story to tell!
7) It will be a ratings bonanza for her show: Every Librandi will be watching and there are a lot of us!
8) I’ve always wanted to visit California.
9) It will be a great boost for my writing career!
10) Real people are much more interesting than celebrities.

There are no LIVE NUDE GIRLS! here!

Contrary to popular belief, P.T. Barnum was not the originator of the phrase, “There’s a sucker born every minute!” That distinction belongs to someone else but the fact remains that people are just as gullible and easily manipulated today as they were decades ago. It is this idea that forms the basis of this column.
How gullible you say? Well, back in the early nineties, a man named Bernie Madoff was touting himself as the investment banker that could GUARANTEE a hefty return on your investment should you decide to use his company. His last name should have been a foreboding clue but in hindsight, the thought of making a killing on an investment clouded everyone’s eyes. It wasn’t until 1999 that financial analyst Harry Markopolos informed the SEC that he believed it was mathematically impossible to achieve the gains that Madoff promised to deliver. After only four hours of failed attempts trying to replicate Madoff’s numbers, did he realize that Madoff was a fraud. He was ignored by the Boston SEC in 2001 and further ignored when he took his findings to the New York SEC in 2005 and 2007. The Madoff “Ponzi” scheme was uncovered by none other than his two sons. When they went to their fathers swanky apartment to confront him on his plan to pay out 173 MILLION in bonuses, the elder Madoff broke down and confessed. He stated that he had “Nothing left” and that he was “Finished,” his investment fund was “Just one big lie” and “Basically, a giant Ponzi scheme.
How were the dozens upon dozens of investors duped? Easy, they believed every word this charming, charismatic, easy going con man had to say. On December 11, 2008, he was arrested and charged with securities fraud.
Let’s move on. When a six year old boy wakes from a two month coma and paralyzed, you might want to hear what he has to say, especially when upon waking he tells this fantastic story of dying and going to heaven. You read right, folks, heaven. And quite honestly, who would doubt such an innocent lad with such a detailed and wondrous story to tell.
His story was so compelling that Tyndale House, a major Christian publisher published a whole book detailing the boy’s story. The book, “The boy who came back from heaven” was written by the boy and his father. The boy’s name: Alex Malarkey. AHA!! A CLUE!! Lifeway Christian Resources, a denominational publisher which own a chain of religious bookstores couldn’t keep the book on the shelves. They sold out as fast as they were put out. The story gave hope to millions that maybe there was something more after we pass. And this is a good thing, except……….one day, an open letter to Christian bookstores, posted on the “Pulpit and pen” website, young Alex Malarkey flatly states, “I did not die, I did not go to heaven!” WAIT…WHAT?! His clarifying statement: “I said I went to heaven because I thought it would get me attention. I haven’t even read the bible!” Alex Malarkey did not receive one penny from the sale of his book but his father did. The book deal with Tyndale was exclusive only with the boy’s father, Kevin Malarkey. Duped again! Pity the poor souls who doled out hard earned money for a piece of fiction disguised as fact.
And the lies continue! What does a gothic hip-hop artist performing under the name, ”Black Madam” and unlicensed body sculpting have in common? Should be nothing, but Padge Victoria Winslowe, dubbed “the Michelangelo of buttocks injections” had a very lucrative business injecting industrial grade silicone and Krazy Glue (I kid you not) into the gluteus-maximus of unsuspecting performers. A 20-year-old exotic dancer from London was coaxed into an airport hotel room where Winslowe proceeded to give the girl a “touch up” during what is being dubbed as a “pumping party.” After dancer Claudia Aderotimi started having trouble breathing following the injections, Winslowe fled the motel room, leaving the girl to die later that same day. Just before her pretrial, Winslowe, 45, of Philadelphia, told the judge, “God’s blessed my hands with everything I touch. I make lots of money, in lots of ways.” Winslowe was later convicted of murder. How could someone be tricked into thinking that a rapper who goes under the name “Black Madam” could safely perform cosmetic surgery in a hotel room? Simple! The woman stated that she was a “nurse practitioner” in training. I could go around claiming to be the King of Spain but who would believe me? Many, I’m guessing if I was convincing enough.
When it comes to manipulating the masses, nobody does it better than the media. How many times have we seen the phrases, “poses nude, poses topless, wardrobe malfunction, sex tape or personal nude photographs” in the headlines? Too many times! Most times these titillating teasers are meant for men to send them running to see and read the lurid details. And far too often they are just a ruse to get your attention and snare you into their little trap. People are so trusting that they will fall for the same gag over and over.
There is an old saying: “If something looks too good to be true, it probably is” Wiser words have yet to be said. If one day you find yourself vacationing in Vegas and a man walks up to you and introduces himself as a land developer and hands you a business card with the name “I. M. Conman” on it, RUN!!

The Top 10 reasons Donald Trump should be the next President....not!

1) He can erase the national debt!
Having filed for bankruptcy FOUR times, he knows how to stick it to creditors. He’ll simply declare the U.S. bankrupt and screw all the foreign countries that we owe money to. it’s a WIN-WIN for everybody!
2) He must be a master at foreign relations!
Having been married three times and divorced twice, DOMESTIC relations he is clueless about.
3)There will be NO SCANDALS in his White House!
With his incredible ability to cover up an obvious bald spot, any scandal that could possibly develop will simply DISSAPPEAR.
4)He will be good for employment.
It’s going to take lots of manpower the write TRUMP all over everything. The “White House” will now be the “Trump House.” All currency will say, “IN TRUMP WE TRUST!” “TRUMP” will have to be painted on AIR FORCE 1. And every reference to “The United States of America” will have to be changed to, “The United States of Trump”
5) He will pick an excellent cabinet.
With his keen sense of knowing how to HIRE AND FIRE someone, his cabinet is insured lasting success.
6) Extremely efficient.
With all of his millions, the man wears the same white shirt and pink tie over and over and over…………….
7)He OWNS the Miss Universe pageant.
As a self-professed “knower of real beauty,” Miss America is a shoe-in to win every time.!
8)He doesn’t cow tow to pressure groups.
Having never served in the armed forces, he can ignore veterans wants and demands. He’s never had a REAL JOB so being pushed around by the labor unions is not likely to happen. He can’t knuckle under to pressure from religious groups because he can’t be Catholic (divorced twice) and is a “big believer in freedom of religion”--quote
9) Save taxpayers money because he doesn’t have to be paid.
Because he touts himself as a GAZILLIONAIRE, he won’t need a paycheck. His real net worth is estimated at only 200 million.
10) It will be easy to fill the TRUMP LIBRARY. He has supposedly written NINE books, 7 with the word ‘TRUMP” in the title. No need for any other literature.

A simple cure for lower back pain

Do you suffer from lower back pain? Have you been to a Chiropractor and have been found to have nothing wrong with the vertebrae in your lower back? If this is the case then I have a possible solution to your lower back pain.

A good portion of lower back pain is caused by the tightening of the hamstring muscles. Where are your hamstring muscles? The muscle that runs down the length of the back or inside of the thigh. This muscle allows for the bending of your lower leg to kick yourself in the ass. And I have done that MANY times! But seriously, since the very top of the hamstring muscle attaches to your lower gluteus maximus (your butt) when it gets taught and needs to be stretched, it can be the cause of lower back pain until it is properly stretched. So, how do you stretch your hamstring muscles? Simple. Stand straight up with your feet about six inches apart. Now, keeping your knees straight, SLOWLY bend at the waist, arms outstretched towards the floor, and try to touch your toes. If you haven't done this stretch often, it's going to hurt like hell. That's because the muscle is so tight. Do this three to four times until you can touch your toes. That pull you feel at the back inside of your leg is the hamstring muscle being stretched. These muscles tighten up with age and need to be stretched on a regular basis. I suggest doing this stretching exercise every day about one hour after you have awakened. During this stretch, your knees will tend to want to bend to alleviate the pain. Keep them straight or the exercise will not be done properly. Over time, this stretch will become easier to do and less painful. If you have lower back pain and start stretching your hamstring muscles and notice relief, please write in a comment box describing your progress.

Advice For Men: How To Be Friends With A Woman

Men, do you have enough friends to fill a stadium, but when it comes to being friends with a woman you are clueless as to what to do? Read on for some helpful tips. If being friends with a woman is not on your agenda, go back to watching the football game and feed the dog. For those of you who are still reading, here we go!

Being friends with a woman isn't that much different than being friends with your guy buddies. There is a slightly different set of rules and you will have to open your mind to trying different things. First, the rules:
1) RESPECT.
If you are to be friends with a woman, you must show her the same amount, if not more respect than what you would show to men. If you respect a woman, she will be more apt to consider you as a friend. You will have to tone down the crude sexual references, vulgar language and female ogling that you normally share with your guy friends. Oh, and constantly dragging up female conquests of the past is not a good topic for conversation. Unless she specifically asks you to spill the beans about past liaisons to fulfill her own curiosity, stay off the subject. This goes for you married men as well. And if you think that by comparing your current female companion to past companions, in an effort to show the current one that she is superior in every way, FORGET IT! You may mean well, but THEY just don't get it. In their minds, any comparisons are an affront to them and their confidence as a woman. If you think that she's fantastic, just say it. If you are just casually dating and make plans to meet somewhere, be on time. Women also have boundaries that should not be crossed until she gives you the green light. Until such time, respect those boundaries as you would a RED light. A woman will match the respect that you give her in return. If the woman that you'd like to be friends with is your wife, respect should be an ongoing thing. Opening doors for her is such a small gesture, but you'd do the same for your guy friends wouldn't you? Don't expect a woman to share all of her secrets with you either. Women cherish their privacy, respect that too. If a woman shares more with you than she shares with her girl friends, consider yourself honored: you are a good friend!

2) JUST LISTEN!!
One key to being best friends with a woman is to just listen to her. You listen when your guy friends talk about what's happening, give a woman the same courtesy. Yes, her topics might seem strange and yes, her concerns might seem trivial to you and yes, her point of view may be different from what your guy friends' are but these things are not that hard to understand and they are what makes us grow as humans. If you are not the best conversationalist in the world then just listen. Being a sounding board for a woman shows her that you care. This will endear you to her. She will want to be your friend. Try not to be judgmental or get pulled into a gossip trap. She may be testing you. Be a stand-up guy and rise above. She will respect you all the more. You may get an earful of concerns or problems that you have no prior experience in solving. Don't try, you'll most likely get it wrong. Just listen. Women need to vent and sometimes they are venting about men. Open up your mind to see her point of view and you may find your best friend in a woman.

3) ACTIVITIES, ACTIVITIES.
"LET'S GET READY TO...............go shopping?" "Opposite sex" most times also means opposite ideas of entertainment. If your girlfriend/wife likes NASCAR, boxing, football, hunting, fishing, power tools and female mud wrestling, check her birth certificate. She's a MAN! If, in fact, there are no visible scars to the contrary, consider yourself lucky! The rest of us need to be more open minded. This will also be required of your potential female friend candidate. The easiest thing for both you and your lady friend to do is to make two separate lists. One will list all the activities that each of you love to do or are at least willing to try. The other list should contain every activity that you hate or wouldn't even consider trying. Make both lists broad and encompassing. When you're through, compare lists. You HAVE TO have some things in common, or are at least willing to try. I used to be a decent dart player, so I recently put up a dart board. I invited my wife to try it. She informed me that she wasn't ANY GOOD at it. We've played TWICE now and she's already beaten me once! I think she's a "ringer." Sorry, I digress. Guys, you have no idea what activities she may be interested in participating with you until you ask. Same goes for you. Put your "macho" image aside, and try cooking together. Go shopping with her. Grab her by the hand and take her for a long walk. Buy her a rod, reel and tackle box and take her fishing with you. If fishing is not her thing, just let her steer the boat. If you have both decided to partake in sports, try NOT to be so competitive. It won't kill you to lose once in a while. Oh, and NOBODY LIKES a sore loser. Not even your GUY friends. Encourage her and congratulate her when she wins. You do THAT with your guy friends too, don't you? Give her the same.

4) AFFECTION.
No, you fool, do NOT put her in a headlock and give her "noogies!" Nope, not a "wedgie" either. And don't even THINK about snapping a towel at her butt. Show her real affection. Make sure not to illegally cross any boundaries (see above) and always respect her (also see above). If your friendship with a woman is strictly platonic, be careful to gauge your affection accordingly. Consider this too when involved in a friendly, professional relationship. If you seek to be best friends with your wife or girlfriend, affection is the best way to start. I strongly and personally believe that you can't truly love someone who could never qualify as your best friend. When you fall in love with your best friend, there is no better feeling in the world.

If this advice helps you and enlightens you as a man, pass it along. We can use as much help as we can get.

THE ABSOLUTE BEST ADVICE YOU WILL RECEIVE ALL YEAR!!!

The above title says it all. The following advice that I am about to give to all of you reading this right now is the BEST you will receive all year. But before I spill the beans, I must first disclose it's origin.

On November 1st of this year I was engaged in a telephone conversation with my mother. Because she is alone and I am concerned for her, we often speak on the phone. The conversation was going its usual way until she mentioned something she had seen on a T.V. sitcom. According to her, an actor on this certain sitcom made a statement, one she thought she had never heard before. The actor said to his sitcom wife that she should unplug the toaster once she had finished using it. The actress asked why. The actor responded that although the appliance was no longer turned on, the mere fact that it was still plugged in meant that the appliance was still drawing current. At that point I am unsure as to what the next exchange was due to the fact that my mother was recounting it. Mom asked me if I had ever heard of this before and then informed me that SHE had pulled practically every plug in her apartment. She then went on to tell me how her ELECTRIC BILL HAD BEEN REDUCED BY HALF since she started this practice. I ran her words around inside my head. I had never heard of such a thing. Even with my knowledge of electricity, having owned a home remodeling business for years, these statements were very new and puzzling. I honestly thought mom had "lost it." I thoroughly questioned her on every aspect of life in her apartment and if she had changed anything else in addition to "unplugging." She assured me she had not. At that point, I realized the only way to prove her claims was to see for myself. I decided on that day, November 1st, to unplug every cord in the house. I left two plugged in: the two behind our bed's headboard, the ones that power our digital alarm clocks. They were too inconvenient to access. The only other things plugged in were mine and my wife's computers, the battery charger to a power screwdriver and the battery charger to a small beard and mustache trimmer.

And then I waited. I made sure to unplug everything immediately after using it. When our monthly electric bill arrived, I was shocked. Because the bill reflects electric usage from mid-month to mid-month, I could only view the results of exactly 16 days worth of unplugging. According to the bill, dated November 18, 2009, the total kilowatt hours used between 10/20 and 11/16 amounted to 882. THAT wasn't the amazing thing. The AMAZING thing was LAST YEAR'S record of usage for the exact same time period (drum roll please) 1,223. AND don't forget that November's bill reflected only 16 days of my unplugging task. A whole month's worth would really reflect my savings.

Now, some of you may be skeptical. But I assure you that the same living conditions, habits, days at home, and thermostat heating temperatures had not changed from year to year. Today, December 22, I received the electric bill for the period 11/16 to 12/16. The total kilowatt usage for this period is 1,376. And as I write this and view the kilowatt usage for the exact same time period last year, I am amazed. Last year's total: 1,680. A difference of over 300 kilowatt hours. In dollars this amounts to roughly a $25.00 savings over last year's bill for December. I expect all following bills to be greatly reduced also.

Now comes the question: WHY ISN'T THIS INFORMATION PRINTED IN GIANT BOLD LETTERS ON EVERY ELECTRIC BILL MAILED IN THIS COUNTRY? Why isn't this money saving, energy saving tip splashed all over the T.V. and newspapers? Why hasn't President Obama held a national press conference telling each and every one of us how easily we can save a SIGNIFICANT amount of money on our electric bills? Maybe he doesn't know. Maybe somebody should tell him. But then, it's easy to see why the electric companies keep this little tidbit of information from us. Imagine the lost revenue incurred by them if every person could cut $20 to $30 from their electric bill.

I intend to shout this information from the highest mountain. HALLELUJAH!! LOWER BILLS AT LAST, LOWER BILLS AT LAST!! Join me America in spreading the good word. Send folks you know here to read this for themselves. Comment on this article if you already know this information. Start an email chain telling everyone how to pocket some extra cash in these hard times. Let's get Congress to pass a bill that all electric companies must publish this TIP on every bill to every customer. If we need a GREEN solution, there is no better one that I can think of. Thank you for your time. Ray.

ADVICE FOR ALL: UNDERSTANDING TELL-TALE SIGNS

Money is an amazing thing. Money buys you a five cent piece of gum or it buys you unlimited power and influence. Money will also buy you an education. How well you use that education depends on many things. Geographic location, culture, access to literature and fine arts and your innate level of intelligence determined at birth are all contributing factors. Unfortunately for some, all or most of those factors are lacking which sometimes makes navigating through life a little difficult. Things that might seem crystal clear to some may be blurred or confusing to others.

Take for example, the ability to know when someone has left this world. That observation may seem like a task that cannot be mistaken, but apparently there are those among us who were short changed in the aforementioned education department. For that specific group I will now list certain signs that a loved one has departed.

1) Loss of appetite
2) Inability to hold a conversation
3) Fails to laugh at "American Idol" tryouts
4) Won't say, "bless you" after you sneeze
5) Personal hygiene is no longer a concern
6) Refuses to answer the phone
7) Forces you to guess what they want on their pizza
8) Shows little sign of joy when children or grandchildren come to visit
9) Will sit for hours listening to visiting Jehovah witnesses
10) Refuses to file income taxes

Some or all of these signs can be ignored by people in the general vicinity of a deceased person who have failed to reach a certain level of intelligence. CLICK HERE to read about just such people. I only wish I had published this article say, eight months ago. I could have spared many people the responsibility of guessing.

ADVICE FOR ALL: A LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT.

Occasionally, I have been known to write articles purely of a humorous nature but the tone of this article is of a serious one. As I grow older and time slips by, I realize that I don't have a last will and testament in place. I don't plan on getting hit by a bus in the near future, but I realize fate has a habit of changing even the best laid plans. After doing much research on the subject, I am prepared to share with you, the reader, what I have learned.

You may ask, "why have a will at all?" To answer that question, a will can protect your assets and minimizes the chances of a contest over your estate. If you die without one, your estate may not be distributed as you choose. A will provides for your family, specifies whom you would like to receive your property, outlines your funeral and burial instructions, creates a trust and/or names a guardian for minor children and specifies who you disinherit.

        THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT WILLS
a) You do not need an attorney to create a will
b) Your will does not have to be notarized (except in Louisiana)
c) Any person over the age of majority and of sound mind can draft his or her own will

        REQUIREMENTS FOR CREATION OF A WILL
a) The testator (creator) of the will must clearly identify himself or herself as the maker of the will whereby creation or "publication" of a will is typically satisfied by the words "last will and testament" on the face of the document
b) The testator declares that all previous wills and codicils are revoked. Destroying all copies of old wills is highly recommended
c) The testator must state that he or she has the capacity to dispose of his or her property and does so freely and willingly
d) The testator must properly sign and date their will. To do so, the will must be signed in the presence of at least two witnesses, but three are recommended. The state of Vermont requires this. Witnesses must be at least eighteen years of age but should not be a beneficiary of said will. It is not recommended that a spouse or children serve as witnesses either. Ideally, anyone who is or can be a beneficiary should not be considered a witness to a will signing.
e) The testator must sign the absolute bottom or end of a will. No lines or spaces should follow a signature. If this is not the case, any text following the signature will be ignored or the entire will may become invalidated
f) Witnesses must be in your immediate presence, must observe your actual signing of the will, and all the witnesses must observe the other witnesses signing the will. ALL WITNESSES MUST SIGN YOUR 
WILL
g) You do not need to read your will to them and it is unnecessary for them to read it. However, they must clearly understand that this is your last will and testament and that you intend for the document to function as your will upon your death

Married couples should create two wills that mirror each other and name the same alternate beneficiaries, executors, guardians and trustees.

ADVICE FOR MEN: HOW TO STAY ALIVE

I am sorry that it has to come to this but men die needlessly every day and I feel it is my civic duty to offer my advice. The following does not apply to all men, but to those who need it, you know who you are.

NATURAL DISASTERS
         1) Floods
          If you are driving down the road and come upon a large volume of water rushing over the blacktop before you, immediately stop the car. Open up the driver's door and get out. Walk to the front of your car. Look left, look right, estimate the depth and speed of the water, scratch the top of your head and get back into your car. TURN THE CAR AROUND AND GO BACK THE WAY YOU CAME!
         2) Hurricanes heading inland.
          Yes, the waves are big and the wind IS really blowing. Now is not the time for a walk on the beach.
And PUT DOWN THAT SURFBOARD, are you insane? No fishing either, Einstein!
          3) Earthquakes.
           Put down the video camera and get out of the house.
         4) Massive snow fall.
           DO NOT TIE THAT SLED TO THE BACK OF YOUR CAR! Or the toboggan. Or the red wagon. Nope, not the bicycle either. And no, especially NOT the kids. In fact, get out of the car. Everything is closed, you have nowhere to go. STAY OFF THE ROOF!

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT PET.
          1) A feeding rottweiler
          2) A polar bear
          3) A grizzly bear
          4) Okay, ANY friggin' bear!
          5) Any feline larger than "Garfield"
          6) A rattle snake
          7) A skunk
          8) A porcupine
          9) Any shark
         10) Your boss's wife at the company Christmas party

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER ATTEMPT
          1) Bank robbery
          2) Mountain climbing
          3) Bungee jumping at the traveling amusement park
          4) Trying to outrun the TEN patrol cars chasing you
          5) Trying to jump your daughter's "banana" bike over your neighbor's car using homemade wooden ramps while drunk
          6) Adding another outlet into the living room wall to power your new 52" flat screen T.V. while the power is still on
          7) Putting out your house fire with the garden hose
          8) Climbing the tallest tree in the back yard to hang the tire swing
          9) Lighting the charcoal grill with anything other than charcoal lighter. And NOT the whole can, fool!

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY.
          1) "I just can't quit you," at a cowboy convention
          2) " Hey, watch this!"
          3) "Yes, you DO look fat in that!"
          4) "Don't worry honey, your sister will never find out"
          5) "Harleys are for sissys" at a "biker" bar.
          6) "I THINK we have enough gas to get to Vegas," as you pass the "last chance gas" station.
          7) "I have a dream," at a KKK rally.
          8) "Is it alright if I pet you?" to your boss's wife at the company Christmas party. (See above)

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT
          1) Anything your wife cooks after finding out about you and her sister
          2) Anything on fire
          3) Anything you find behind the front seat of your pick-up truck
          4) Yellow snow (even on a dare!)
          5) Anything Scottish
          6) Anything from your friend's garden--the one who lives next to the textile factory
          7) Anything your friend "Ozzie" bakes
          8) Potted meat
          
          I hope this helps. If I can save a life, then I've done my job.

DR. SEUSS HAD IT RIGHT ALL ALONG

Is it December already? I must not have been paying attention. I must have missed the covert overnight transformation that most retail stores perform around this time. You know what I’m talking about: Christmas decorations. The fact that they appear earlier and earlier each year just adds to my general feeling of disillusionment and manipulation. Each year, Christmas is thrust upon us whether we like it or not. And each year I feel more disconnected and empty. And I know why. But first, a little history. My parents, both non-practicing Catholics, sent me to parochial school to obtain the best education they could afford. It worked, but I lost my religion in the process. I have joined the ranks of the millions of “reformed” and now consider myself agnostic. Which is just one ladder rung up from atheist. I have theorized my own belief system and I am happy with it. That’s fodder for another column so for now I’ll just stick to the holiday blues. When you remove the standard religious dogma from Christmas and then expose Santa Claus for who they really are (parents) what have you got left to celebrate? All of you out there reading this just thought to yourselves a unanimous, “not much!” Exactly my point. So, after much thought I have concluded why this time of year makes some of us depressed, suicidal, alone and disconnected.
    It’s simply this: Christmas is not about trees covered in lights and garland. Or eggnog, turkey or pies. It’s not vintage T.V. specials, movies or twenty-four hours of X-mas music on the radio. No flying reindeer, elves, or flashy-dressed intruders who enter via your chimney. No wreaths, poinsettia or mistletoe. It’s not overly adorned retail stores, “tickle me Elmos” or bell ringing volunteers guarding a big, black pot. It’s not snow covered mornings or carolers serenading you with hymns. Nor is it about three wise men.
    You cannot experience Christmas extraneously because Christmas is an idea. It is born of one’s own mind and heart. It’s an attitude. It’s letting your guard down. It’s forgetting the differences between us and accepting each other for who we are. It’s a smile or a handshake. Being considerate of your fellow man or woman. It’s holding the door for someone or giving up your place in line at the check-out for the person with just one item. It’s buying someone who looks needy a cup of coffee or a bite to eat. It’s yielding the right-of-way to someone in traffic and appreciating their wave of thanks. It’s calling old friends and reminding them how much they mean to you. It’s telling your children and grand children how much you love them. And there is no better gift that you can give than telling your parents how much you love them and thanking them for impacting on your life. It’s forgiving old debts and resolving old issues. It’s opening up your heart and mind to an overabundance of goodwill towards each other. It’s finding inner peace in the notion that we were all created by the same entity and that we are truly all brothers and sisters sharing the same home.
    That is how I will celebrate Christmas this year. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll expand it a little more each year until I can experience that warm fuzzy feeling year round. And maybe some of it will rub off. Maybe it will catch on. Maybe all the mayhem produced by all those insane Christmas shoppers won’t matter anymore. Maybe Christmas won’t be about how much you can spend or how big your gift can be. Maybe we can learn from those mythical “Who’s” from that Dr. Seuss classic, “How the Grinch stole Christmas!”  They were unfazed at awakening to a Christmas morning devoid of all the trappings and celebrated notwithstanding. Although, a generous portion of “roast beast” never hurt anybody. Happy Holidays.


Used by permission of THE NEXT 50

ADVICE FOR HOMEOWNERS: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

            Are you a new homeowner or someone who has owned a home for some time? If you are, there are many aspects of home maintenance that you may be aware of or some that you have never considered at all. I have compiled a list of questions and answers that I feel are important to know.

1) Do you have QEST water pipe running through your home?  This is Polybutylene flexible pipe that was used to plumb many houses during the late 1980's and most of the 90's. Apparently, this brand of pipe will fail under certain conditions and there was a nationwide class action lawsuit in response to such failure. This pipe is usually recognized by it's grey color but it is also found in white, black, blue and cream. The printed letters "PB" can be found on the exterior of the pipe to help identify it. If you have this pipe running through your home and you have easy access to it, say, from an unfinished basement, crawl space or attic, you might consider replacing it. Or, at least just knowing if you have it can be useful. Generally, the cost to replace said pipe is not as expensive as you might think and the preventative costs associated with it far outweigh the potential damage costs. Look in the Yellow Pages for small owner-operated plumbing companies to get the most inexpensive material and labor costs to replace it.

2) Do you know where your home's main water supply shut off valve is? If you do, is it easily accessible? Do you have to climb over a mountain of toys or plastic storage totes to get to it? Easy access to this valve is essential in case of an emergency situation that requires the water to be turned off. Some older homes have the main valve outside the home in a front yard. Sometimes the lid to access the valve has a locking bolt on it to keep it sealed. Do you need a special sized wrench to open it? If you do, could you locate it in 60 seconds? When your house is flooding, every second counts. Keep such a device handy and in clear view at all times. I recommend a MASTER SHEET of information reminding you where all of these things can be found. You may want to add more of the following.

3) Do you know where your main circuit breaker panel is? Do you know if you have sub-panels, how many, and where they are? Do you have an older home with the old style screw-in fuses? If so, do you have any extra fuses handy in case one blows? By the law of building codes, access to circuit panels should never be blocked. But, as we all know, sometimes lack of space forces us to use every square inch of our garages and basements. You should always have easy access to these panels in case of an emergency. Having a flashlight with good batteries placed near such panels is always handy. Are all the circuits marked correctly AND LEGIBLE? If not, find an adult who can walk through your home as you flip breakers off and on, one by one to identify what they power. Use an indelible ink marker to mark as such. In an emergency, not having to guess what goes to where could save someone's life.

4) Do you have natural gas or propane entering your home? Do you know where the main shut off valve is? Do you have a gas fireplace or a gas stove? Do you know where the shut off valves are for these? Do you have a gas furnace heating your home? Can you easily find and reach the shut off valve to it? You should know the EXACT location where each of these can be found. Some gas fireplaces have a special KEY to turn the valve on and off. Do you know where the key is? Good advice is to hang the key in plain sight but NOT ABOVE THE FIREPLACE! If a fire should accidentally get out of hand, you may not be able to grab it due to flames.

5) Do you have a washer and dryer? Is your dryer exhaust vent free of dust and lint and does its opening and closing function properly? Believe it or not, birds and small animals will make these vents their home if they don't close properly when not in use. When was the last time you changed the rubber hoses that supply hot and cold water to your washing machine? Just like outdoor lawn hoses, these will fail and leak over time. They should be replaced periodically to avoid a flood, like when you're on a two week vacation away from home. That's when they usually break!

6) Does your home have a forced hot/cold air system? Do you know where ALL the return air duct filters are located? Do you know what size they are for each duct. Sometimes they are not all the same size. Did you know that the inexpensive throw away filters should be changed every month to keep your heating/cooling system functioning at its most cost efficient potential?

        A home, just like a car, needs regular maintenance. My advice is to put all pertinent information together on one master sheet, make several copies and keep them in easy reach. In an emergency, running around like a headless chicken in front of family members and neighbors never looks good. Although sometimes it might be entertaining.

Why you shouldn't fear crop circles and other musings.

As I sit at my keyboard typing this article, I have music playing in the background. I am having difficulty seeing the keys through my tears. Yes, I am crying. Why? Because I am listening to Bob Dylan's, "Christmas in the heart," and it has to be the funniest thing I've ever heard. He has absolutely no voice left (like he could sing before?) and so he is crucifying (no pun intended) fifteen classic Christmas songs. If you need a great 'GAG' gift or know a true die hard Dylan fan, buy this CD. It will be the best $14.00 you ever spent! Now, to continue.

          Okay, we are all aware how ALL department stores have an incredible sale the day after X-mas, right? Aren't we all feeling the effects of this recession? Wouldn't you like to get more bang for your buck this year? Do you see where I'm going with this? It's time to beat the retailers at their own game!
POSTPONE CHRISTMAS FOR TWO DAYS! There, I said it! And why not? If you've got kids here's what you tell them: Tell them that if they want Christmas to come when it always does, that they will get a few presents. Then, ask them  if they can wait ONLY two extra days, they'll get LOTS of presents! If you haven't any kids or you are alone or have just a spouse, give it a thought. The stores won't be as wacky, most everyone will be waiting in that long RETURN line, so shop all day and save hundreds.

Crop circles. They pop up everywhere. I have applied some simple logic to their origin and I have concluded that they are not created by aliens, so there is no reason to fear them. Of course, if you saw the movie, "Signs," you may argue my point, but first, hear me out.
1) They have to be smarter than us.
A smart alien has better things to do than to fly millions of miles to earth, land, and then draw some unexplainable pattern in the landscape that one can only really appreciate from above. Most of these patterns seem to be pointing to something. What? A Walmart? A Target? The nearest McDonalds? They point nowhere. An alien would have it pointing to our nearest defense system, so forget about it.

2) Aliens have big heads.
"And so?" you may be asking. Well, most of these circles appear in large fields. Fields of grass or wheat or corn. Do you remember the sinus headache you get when 'hay fever' season rolls around? Great, now imagine having a big alien head. Now, imagine the headache that accompanies it. Now, imagine that you're an alien. Need I say more?

3) Aliens have to be discreet.
Mankind is so dumb that if an alien did ever land, we'd blow it to smithereens. Aliens are smart so they know this. Therefore, it makes no sense that aliens would come during the dark cover of night, spend hours making some dopey symbol, then leave, leaving the symbol as evidence that they were here. Starting to see it my way now, aren't you?

Crop circles are made by college students with a calculus degree. Actually, anyone can make a crop circle. All you need is stakes, a sledgehammer, a few different lengths of rope and a bunch of friends that have too much time on their hands. Wait a minute. Remember how hard it is just to find two friends to help move a couch, let alone trample through a damp field, in the dark, making some incoherent symbol, all to perpetuate some kind of hoax? Fine! It's aliens then.

Advice on how to beat a traffic ticket.

     If you think flashing some cleavage at the patrol officer leaning in your window is going to get you out of that, "failed to stop at stop sign" ticket, you're sadly mistaken. I tried it and all I got was another ticket, "attempting to bribe a police officer!" Be that as it may, there are some traffic violations that you can beat in court if you know how. First, let's be perfectly clear: some tickets you will absolutely not beat. If you run a red light and "T-bone" a passing car, you're gonna' have a hard time wiggling out of that one. If you run through a stop sign at a four way intersection with a patrol car on all sides of you, there's another one you might not win. But because there are literally hundreds of traffic infractions that you could incur during the course of just driving to the nearest 7-11, you might be able to beat some of them.

     The first thing you need to do is to be prepared. Keep a small notebook and pen in your glove compartment to take notes when you are first pulled over. Note the day, time, traffic conditions, weather, and most importantly where the patrol officer's car was when he or she spotted you allegedly breaking the law. If the officer decides to cite you for an infraction and you are absolutely positive that you did not commit the said infraction, by all means DO NOT ARGUE WITH HIM OR HER! Say nothing, but take or make notes of what the officer says to you. THIS IS IMPORTANT!
    
     In order to win your case you will have to go to court. Do not fear this. The law states that every person is innocent until proven guilty. Do not fear the judge or be intimidated by the court or it's proceedings. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HIRE A LAWYER IN ALL CASES. If you have done your homework and follow my advice, you have just as good a chance to win without one. To get started, you will have to prepare your case. You will do this at home.

1) Gather information.
     If possible, go back to the exact location of where you received your ticket and take pictures. Take pictures of where you were. Take pictures of where the officer was when he or she spotted you. Take pictures of traffic flow, and any other pertinent locations. Develop these and be ready to use them.
Supply any and all pertinent information regarding your car, it's uniqueness, it's status in society. If it's a high performance sports car, note that. If it's a 'Yugo' on it's last legs, note that too. If you have high performance tires, brakes, handling, note these too.

     Make a large, easy to understand detailed schematic of the site where the infraction occurred. Note the direction and location of your vehicle. Most importantly, note the direction and location of the officers vehicle. Note traffic lights, stop signs, gas stations, convenient stores and pedestrian cross walks. Be extra thorough!
If you have recently taken a driver improvement course, bring this with you to court. This next piece of advice is most important: WRITE DOWN EVERY QUESTION THAT YOU INTEND TO ASK THE PATROL OFFICER WHEN YOUR DAY IN COURT ARRIVES!

2) In court.
Believe it or not, just showing up to court on the appointed day can win you your case. If the patrol officer fails to show up by the time your case is called, your case is dismissed. You win! Do not rely on this. Dress for court. Wearing a suit or business wear to court makes a very good impression on a judge. If you own one, bring all your files and photos to court in a brief case. If you don't own one, a metal file holder or a professional clipboard will suffice. Your name will be called when it is your time to approach the bench. Do not panic and try to stay calm. A friendly demeanor or a smile wins people over. Never approach the bench with a "chip" on your shoulder. The judge will acknowledge you and your infraction. He or she will ask the officer to speak first and explain his or her reasoning for giving you the infraction. No matter what the officer says stay calm, do not interrupt and keep quiet. You will get your chance.

     After the officer has said his or her piece, the judge will then ask you if you have any questions for the officer. IT'S SHOWTIME!  Time for you to go to work. Inform the judge that you do have questions, face the officer and as calmly and as succinctly as you can pose your first question. Give the officer ample time to answer. Ask your questions in a breezy tone and do not get riled or flustered by whatever the officer says. Stay focused. Right here, right now it's your word against his or hers. Your number one job here is to convince the judge that the officer erred in judgment when writing your summons. Use all of your notes, pictures and pertinent information to support your argument. Offer to show the judge your facts. Stay cool and calm throughout. If you have presented a convincing enough rebuttal, the judge will likely rule in your favor. Thank the judge and be on your way.

     Best of luck, Ray.

For Women only : Understanding Men and why they do what they do.

*Editors note*  I may be at risk of alienating a small portion of the male species with this following article but the men that I point a finger at don't necessarily read these types of articles anyway. I do not claim to know every man, nor do I claim to be a perfect man. I am merely providing my opinion and observations. I call 'em the way I see 'em. Any intelligent man reading this will most likely not see themselves included in some of the generalizations that lie ahead. -ed.

Men. How I hate to be lumped into that group. But I am a man, guilty of some of the mistakes that accompany being a man, but I try to rise above. As an observer of men, I have a bit of insight into why they act and behave as they do. I believe women are entitled to share in this information to help them understand. Here goes!

Men are idiots. Not all, but most. History has provided  large numbers of men who defy my first statement, but mostly, they're idiots. Only a man would yell, "Hey! Watch this!." Which usually leads to sirens, paramedics, fire hoses, destruction of property, bandages and casts. A woman would never do this. The ensuing laughter caused by the aforementioned scenario is usually attributed to women. Men shoot each other while hunting in the woods. How big of an idiot do you have to be to mistake a two hundred twenty pound man wearing a bright red hat for a fawn? Even deer laugh at those guys. Men blow limbs off making bombs. Men kill each other over a pair of sneakers. Men routinely destroy perfectly good relationships with women for the most ridiculous reasons. Let's dig deeper into that one, shall we?

Besides being idiots, most men have zero confidence. Why? Maybe they weren't nurtured as a child. Maybe they were constantly put down, humiliated or compared to another child, their own shortcomings always being pointed out. Any number of issues can result in low self-esteem or lack of confidence. In a relationship with a woman is where a man with these attributes will try to prove himself. He's the guy looking for an affair. He's the guy who will cheat. He will run the risk of losing everything just to prove himself a man in his woman's eyes. Then, of course, is the other side of the spectrum : EGO MAN! This guy is a legend in his own mind. He has bought into society's perceived idea of what a man should be, hook, line and sinker. He is a force to be reckoned with. He's the controlling guy. The guy who monitors his woman's every move, her friends, her money and the amount of freedom he is willing to dole out. He is a jealous man. Doesn't even let another man look at his property. But he is not alone. Low confidence man is jealous too! He is afraid  that the guy sitting on the bar stool next to his girl friend is going to snatch her away when he goes to the men's room. A man of true self-confidence has no interest in any of this behavior.

Ever wonder why he doesn't call after that supposedly wonderful first date? Besides being idiots, most men are cowards when it comes to communicating with women. Most are awkward with words and fear saying the wrong thing. He won't call you because in retrospect some minute detail about you has turned him off and he doesn't have the nerve to tell you that he doesn't want to see you again. It's less painful for him to just ignore you. Silly and rude behavior.

By now, most women know that most men are visually stimulated. If they see something appealing to the eye, the little head takes over. This can cause relationship problems down the road. Most men would love their wives or girlfriends to be Miss America beautiful with runway model shapes and porn star techniques in the bedroom. Welcome to the real world. If your husband or boyfriend cares nothing about the aforementioned statement, consider him unique and yourself lucky. He truly loves you for who you are no matter what you look like. He is in a minority. For the rest of the male population who can't handle a woman's physique after childbirth or accept a woman's form as it ages, those men will most likely cheat, avoid sex or limit sex, making a woman's life miserable. There is no viable excuse to be made for this behavior.

Men are almost always in competition with other men. This makes them selfish. This makes them roll over and attempt sleep after three minutes of love making. What? You weren't satisfied? Too bad, it's all about him. The truly confident man feels no need to compete. He doesn't have to have it all. Selfish is not in his vocabulary. He is the man who will spend hours making love to a woman ensuring that she is satisfied too. Ladies, if you have one of these, consider him unique and yourself lucky.

Men are capable of horrific atrocities. They wage war against each other. Men, women and children are all targets. Women need to remember that although men are classified as Homosapiens, they are mammals too. They are animals still evolving. They are primitive. Some have progressed past this and have shown a great capacity for compassion and beauty. All men should aspire to this. But some barely walk erect causing pain and embarrassment to the rest of us. My hope is that one day all men will suddenly realize that there is this wonderful, compassionate, loving, caring, loyal creature next to them who can be their best friend too. A woman.

Advice on quitting smoking.

Smoking has become just another personal attribute among many that seek to divide and differentiate us from each other. The 'smokers' and the 'non-smokers.' The smokers cannot hide. We see them standing outside banks, schools, restaurants, department stores, libraries, any place where smoking is banned. They stand there no matter what time it is or what the weather conditions are. Sometimes they sit, huddled together enjoying a cigarette. Or cigar. Or pipe. Or joint. Sometimes I think certain people would smoke anything that you put in front of them. There is a certain amount of animosity towards each other regarding smoking. Non-smokers don't enjoy breathing smoke while they're eating, at the theatre, or in small confined rooms. Non-smokers don't like to be near ashtrays or smell the smoke permeated in someone's clothes or hair. Most smokers are oblivious to these conditions. Hence, the animosity. I myself, am a non-smoker. But, I had to endure second hand smoke for at least half my life. I know many people who smoke. I have lost love ones to the ravages of lung cancer. It is painful, it reduces a persons dignity and it is heart wrenching for those who have to watch.
On the third Thursday of November annually, comes the American cancer society's great American smokeout. This group is dedicated to helping smokers break the habit. Current research shows that smokers are more likely to quit if they have access to some means of support.
Such as:
Counseling
nicotine  replacement products like nicorette gum or the nicotine patch.
telephone smoking cessation hotlines
prescription medicine to help reduce cravings
guide books
support and encouragement from family and friends.
If you know and love someone who smokes, pass along this advice. You would try to stop a friend from jumping off a bridge to kill themselves, right?

MEN: Going bald? It's not as bad as you think!

I know, I know. I'm broaching on a delicate subject. But somebody has to talk about it. I'll be as gentle as I can. "Hey loser, is your hair abandoning your head faster than rats from a sinking ship?" Was that gentle enough? For what it's worth, I suffer the same fate. I too create a glare under bright lights. So, what are we to do about it? Well, the first thing to do is to STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT! Worry fuels stress and stress can do terrible things to a person. One example, make their hair fall out. So, the more you worry, the more you lose. Chill out, dude. You have options!

OPTION # 1
Embrace your baldness.
Guys, do you still adhere to the notion that baldness is a sign of being emasculated? Not true. Do you think anyone ever pointed a finger at Yul Brynner and laughed? How about calling Telly Savales a "sissy boy?" Vin Diesel a "girlie man?" I think not! Would you want to play basketball against Michael Jordan? Tell Bruce Willis his Die Hard movies suck? Point out to Curly of Three Stooges fame that he's NOT a ladies man? Alright, maybe the last one isn't such a good analogy, but you get my drift. Today, bald has a new definition. A different perception. If you feel powerless over your hair loss, seize control. Take a razor to your head and claim victory! YOU now have the final word on the subject. YOU have chosen to be bald, not the other way around. I myself opted for that shiny smooth look. Unfortunately, the combination of my oddly shaped egg head together with my goatee AND my rather large frame, added up to me looking like a mass murderer. Not the kind of guy you want to take home to 'meet the parents!' In fact, after seeing a snapshot taken of me, I quickly let whatever I had grow back in. So, I am not a good example. But, if you think you have a nicely shaped head, consider the razor. If, on the other hand, bald is definitely not an option for you, then consider.....

OPTION #2
Pharmaceuticals
Wouldn't you know it but purely by accident some people taking the blood pressure drug Minoxidil started to grow hair on their heads. Go figure! Today, there is Rogaine. The makers of Rogaine state that "only some may experience hair growth on very specific areas of the scalp." Not very reassuring. If that little tidbit of information doesn't deter you, consider this: A one year supply will average you about $220.00. Now, how about potential side affects like: Rapid heart beat, chest pain, light headedness, dizziness, sudden unexplained weight gain (think Uncle Fester of Addams family fame) water retention, scalp irritation, the list goes on and on. Still not deterred? How does that saying go, "Fools rush in............."

OPTION #3
Science.
Men in white lab coats yielding scalpels have come up with a solution: Implant someone else's dead hair into your head. Gross! But, look at the upside: you'll never need a haircut again! Not for you? How about having hair taken from the back of your head where it's still growing strong and having it surgically implanted on your bald spot? This can also be done. But, you'd better have deep pockets for those two. Is money tight during this sinking economy? Consider..........

OPTION #4
Have a rug installed over your flesh floor.
A WIG! Right! No one will ever guess! No one will ever notice how one day you resembled Sean Connery but the next day you looked like Howard Stern. No one will ever notice that you NEVER need a haircut or the forever absence of gray. Of course the upside is that after 30 years your hairstyle will finally be back in vogue. Isn't that comforting?

OPTION #5
The comb over and the perennial baseball cap. The first suggestion is sadder than the end of Titanic and the second one never works well when you are in a three piece suit or a tux. Unless of course, you're Michael Moore. I do not recommend either of these.

So, in closing, it is my personal view that you should opt for option #1. It's the manly thing to do. And for all you men out there already bald who choose to grow that great big beard and moustache, here's an observation: You look like Lenin. No, not the Beatle, the communist!

Winter and your car

If you own a car and do not have access to mass transit, your least favorite time of year is approaching : Winter! I get chills just typing the word. I have a few suggestions on how to make winter and your car work together.

1) When winter roads start to become hazardous, release some of the air in your tires. A slightly flatter tire provides a little bit more contact with the road. I recommend setting the pressure at slightly above half of the maximum recommended pressure for that tire. That information is found on the outside of each tire. In very small letters.

2) When is the last time you replaced your wiper blades? If you can't remember, it's time to replace them.

3) Check the fluid level in your windshield washer fluid reservoir. Make sure it is full.

4) Check the fluid level of anti-freeze in your overflow reservoir. Make sure it is full to it's capacity. If you haven't changed your anti-freeze in over three years, it's time for a fluid change.

5) Keep a flashlight in your glove compartment and check the batteries every three months.

6) Keep a warm blanket, raincoat and two gallons of distilled water in your trunk if possible. It's better to be prepared for an emergency than to try and improvise during one.

7) Have you ever changed a flat tire on your vehicle? Do you know if you have a working jack? A tire iron to remove a wheel? Does your spare (if any) have air in it? If it does, set the pressure to what I suggested in tip # 1.

8) Flares, reflective HAZARD signs and a small emergency medical kit are all great to have in your trunk just in case.

9) If you have a cell phone, keep a cell phone car charger in your glove compartment.

10) For better night vision during storms or rural driving, change your head light lamp bulbs to the brightest halogen bulbs allowed for your vehicle. Your local auto parts store clerk can help provide this information and if you ask him or her nicely, they just might install them for you.

11) How old is the battery in your car? Most batteries have a five year life span. Cold temperatures can quickly drain a battery's cranking power. If the five year mark is approaching, consider replacing your battery. On most newer foreign cars, a dead or dying battery will most often harm your alternator causing it to fail as well. Another good reason to replace your battery.

12) Try to keep your gas tank full as much as possible. There are many reasons to do this. First, since a property of gasoline is to easily vaporize, keeping your tank full reduces the amount of air space available for your gas to vaporize into. The gas in your tank will last longer this way. Second, every gallon of gasoline in your tank adds weight over you car's rear wheels. If you have a rear wheel drive vehicle, this helps provide your car with more traction. Third, if a big storm hits and power goes out to a large area, gas stations may close due to lack of power. Having little or no gas in your tank may strand you at home or on the road. And finally, if the power goes out at your home and you have to rely solely on electric for heat, you can always climb into your car, start it up and run the heater to keep warm. I DO NOT recommend you do this if your car is in an enclosed area OR if your car currently has an inadequate muffler.

13) If you know in advance that a snow or ice storm is coming, lift your windshield wipers off of the windshield. This will help you scrape ice or snow off without damaging them.

14) If a snow storm is imminent, park you car at the end of your driveway closest to the street. You will have less snow to shovel out of your way to access the road.

15) Slow down. Be safe, Ray.

Good advice for help losing weight.

I mentioned in a past article that I spent some time as a personal fitness trainer. I got involved doing this after personally losing over 70 pounds and taking second place in a bodybuilding competition. This happened in 1996. Today I would like to share information that helped me accomplish this. Note that this plan may not work for everyone. Those with diabetes or strict food requirements may not be able to use this advice. Consult your personal physician before implementing this plan.

As a personal fitness trainer I realized the similarities shared amongst my clients as to why they were all over weight: Their lifestyle. By lifestyle I mean specifically what they ate and when they ate it. We have enormous control over own own body's metabolism. It can be manipulated in three ways: 1. The amount of food eaten. 2. The content. 3. The frequency by which we eat.

For example: Let's say that you are a working individual. You go to a job every day. You leave your house every day without eating breakfast. You wait until 12:00--1:00 p.m. to have lunch. If you didn't bring lunch, you will have to eat out. Your choices are quite limited if you only have a certain allotted time to eat. So, you eat fast food every day. When you arrive home, other aspects of life take precedence and dinner is not served until 6:00 or 7:00 p.m.. You consume a large meal, relax on the couch watching 'survivor' until you hit the sack at 10:00 p.m. Congratulations! You have the metabolism of a dead person, the main reason why you are overweight. If you continue to live this way, you will grow steadily heavier each year. There is one way to reverse this process: Change your lifestyle.

To explain how to do this let's examine the three ways to manipulate your metabolism starting with the frequency by which you eat. This is the biggest impact on metabolic rate. Eating only twice a day slows metabolism to a crawl. Eating FIVE times a day speeds it up. Eating five times a day with THREE HOUR INTERVALS is the best frequency for maximizing your metabolism.

Now let's examine the amount of food to eat. If you are now eating five times a day, every three hours BUT you are consuming enough food each time to feed a small nation, you're eating too much. A SMALL PORTION is what you are striving for. Each portion should take no longer than five minutes to eat. Or if you prefer, enough food to almost fill a nine inch dish. Basically, eat just enough food to fill you, but still feel a bit hungry when you're done. This will help you look forward to your next meal three hours away.

Finally, it's time to examine content. Because this aspect will be different for everyone, I will provide you with the basic formula, you will provide the ingredients. But first you will have to alter your perception of what constitutes 'breakfast,' 'lunch' and 'supper.' To accomplish this simply view your meals as MEAL #1, MEAL #2, MEAL #3 and so on. You will have to greatly expand what you used to consider as traditional 'breakfast' foods to include a GREATER VARIETY.

Here is the formula for your five meals:
MEAL # 1. You want to eat foods high in protein, carbohydrates and fat. WHAT? Do you think I'm insane? I may be but not when it comes to this. Protein enriched foods help feed your body's muscles and muscles burn fat most efficiently when energy is called for. So, eating a large amount of protein during the day is ESSENTIAL to weight loss. This first meal must also contain a large amount of carbohydrates. Why? The carbs you eat for breakfast help supply your body with energy during the course of the day. Do you know how sometimes you get sleepy around 2:30-3:00 p.m.? It's because your body is running out of carbs to burn. This is why it's important to eat carbs for breakfast. You must also include foods high in fat in meal # 1. Your body REQUIRES a certain amount of fat to help with different functions.

MEAL #2. As with meal #1, you'll want to eat a large amount of protein. You will also eat a medium amount of carbohydrates but you will NOT EAT foods high in fat if possible. There will be fat included in the food you choose for meal #2, so try to limit those foods that are naturally high in fat. Red meat is the highest with chicken, turkey and fish being the lowest.

MEAL #3. As with meals 1 and 2, keep your protein intake high. Now you will cut your carb intake down considerably. And again, no fat or very low fat foods for this meal.

MEALS #4 and 5. These meals you'll want to eat only foods high in protein if possible. These are the two hardest meals to get accustomed to. If you simply must eat some carbs, eat a small salad or some steamed vegetables with these meals.

Eating this way on a daily basis will help you lose weight. When you finally reach your goal weight and want to maintain that weight, simply add a SMALL amount of foods containing carbohydrates into meals 4 and 5. If you start to gain weight again, simply adjust the amount of carbs for those meals.

Here are some tips:
If you are not sure or confused about which foods contain protein, carbohydrates or fat, this information is available in book stores and on the internet. Don't rely on friend's or relative's advice. Go to the source.

Eating 5 times a day means lots of food preparation. Do this during the weekends or evenings. Cook large amounts of food each time and then separate it out into convenient bags for travel. Usually, meals 1 and 5 will be eaten at home so this is not a problem. The other 3 will have to be mobile unless you eat out for lunch. Remember to adhere to the formula as much as possible so make wise choices in restaurants or diners.

If possible, try to eat meal 5 no later than 7:00 pm.

Drink plenty of water during the day. When drinking water with your meal do not drink water as you eat. Drink some water after you have consumed your meal. Why? Because water dilutes your natural stomach acids. Ideally, what you want is for your food to be well coated and absorbed in this acid before diluting it with water.

Keep salt intake as low as possible. Salt retains water in these proportions: 1 part salt retains 100 parts water. So keep salt out of your meals if possible.

After the third or fourth day of implementing your lifestyle change, you will wake up very hungry. This is the first sign that your metabolism has sped up and you should start seeing the first signs of weight loss. Do not get discouraged and do not step on the scale every day. Check your weight every month for a true barometer of your progress.

Here's a tip just for the ladies: Do you know those days when you just crave sweets and chocolate? Try to refrain from eating those at night but include them in meal # 1. Your body will most likely burn off these BAD foods during the course of the day. Try not to make it into a habit.

If some of you readers out there decide to implement my plan, write into a comment box that you are, so I and everyone else can follow your progress and please pass along tips that you have discovered along the way. Best of luck, Ray.

WORLD'S BEST ADVICE FOR MEN : THINGS TO BUY YOUR WOMAN FOR HER BIRTHDAY!

*Editor's note: As a rule I prefer my advice to be all-inclusive whenever possible. Due to the fact that today, with so many relationship choices, i.e., man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, man and sheep, woman and vibrator, it would be impossible to advise all the combinations because of time constraints and page constraints. Some of the following content may apply to you and some may not. If you feel left out, I extend my apologies.--ed.

Men, what I am about to share with you is better than knowing in advance who's going to win next year's World Series. I have the answers to the question you have been asking since the moment you exited the womb: What the hell do I buy my wife for her birthday? But, before I supply you with this priceless advice, we must first make sure that the definition of the term 'birthday present' in regards to your wife is understood by all.

The following are by all means NOT examples of birthday gifts for her:
1) A new lawn mower.
2) A vacuum cleaner.
3) A garden hose.
4) A weed whacker.
5) A three ton floor jack, a mechanics 'creeper' or a 'Snap On' five drawer fifty-two inch tall tool box.
6) ANYTHING that once belonged to YOUR mother.
7) A new set of tires for her car.
8) Fifty yard line box seat season tickets to ANY NFL games.
9) A shopping cart full of stuff from the 'Dollar' store. It's all about quality, not quantity.

Now that we understand that it's HER birthday and it's not about YOU, let's continue.

Here are my suggestions:
1) A personal massage gift certificate. As long as your lady is not opposed to being semi-naked in front of anyone but you, you're in!

2) Sexy underwear. Did you ever walk by a 'Victoria's Secret' and notice all the guys in there? Guess what? They know something you don't: Women love it when YOU buy them sexy underwear. They enjoy buying them for themselves but the impact is not the same. Why? Because they know how much you hate to shop, let alone in a store full of lace, spandex, satin, and leather. Don't have any clue as to what size she wears? It's very simple Sherlock: Go into your bedroom, open the top drawer of her dresser and remove a bunch. Her size is listed on most tags. Now, write that down before you forget it!

3) Smelly stuff. Don't know what your lady's preferred perfume is? Unless she is bone dry, you should find some bottles either in the bedroom or the bathroom. If she has a dressing room or a dressing table, you might find them there too. If you should decide to ' wing it' and buy her something other than what she wears, a word of advice: Perfume is like art. It's very personal. Just because you like the smell of it at the department store doesn't mean that she might not hurl when she gets her first whiff.

4) Women collect things. Some women like to collect all sorts of useless objects. We have no clue why. Maybe it's so that after we dopey men blow up the world, they'll actually have a use for all that stuff. Until then, we can use these collections to 'add on.' She will just love one more ceramic elephant.

5) A full day 'spa' package. This, she will love. Mud on her face, goop in her hair, paint on her nails, strips of hot wax on her nether regions and sandpaper rubbed on her feet. Who wouldn't love this?! What we consider torture, they consider a 'tune up.'

6) The watch. Women have been using this simple solution as to what to by US for years. It's time to turn the tables. Buy her a nice watch. If she's into 'Disney' characters, find a watch with characters on the face. Same goes for 'Winnie the Pooh,' 'Snuggles,' and 'Care bears.'

7) Listen for hints!! She knows what an oaf you are, and your lack of imagination, so she'll drop subtle little hints throughout the course of the year in regards to her birthday. When she does this, WRITE THEM DOWN! You might have a decent list compiled by the time her big day arrives.

8) Sports accessories. Does you lady like to bowl, ice skate, ski, fish, hunt or go camping? Purchase some personal accessories for her sport or hobby. A tent does not apply. A one person sleeping bag does.

9) Clothing accessories. Notice, I typed ACCESSORIES. These include: Gloves, scarves, ear muffs ( in her favorite color, of course) and socks. Steer clear of shoes, hats, pocket books, purses, belts and bras. Unless you like to live dangerously.

10) A clothing store gift card. Yes, cash disguised as plastic. Go shopping with her and give her your input on what she's trying on. Better yet, shop FOR HER while in the store giving her a sense of your style. This will help her pick out things to wear in the future if she cares to dress for you. DO NOT EXPECT THIS! If she does, consider it a special gift to you.

One more thing: NEVER EVER purchase a vibrator for her. Once she realizes that there is something out there that can satisfy her for more than three minutes, never run out of energy (until the batteries go dead) or roll over and go to sleep, you are history. Happy shopping!

How to get married ---------on a budget!

Remember back in the good old days when people had money? You could buy a house, a car, a big screen television, a whirlwind vacation, get married. Today it's so bad that individuals who used to be billionaires are now only millionaires. Boy, life is tough. But life goes on. Let's say for instance that you want to get married. You've finally found your perfect mate. The love of your life. Someone who shares your likes and dislikes. Someone who DOES eat tree bark or believes in the healing power of crystals or who thinks that an UZI is a 'must have' fashion accessory. Your 'soul mate.' So, what do you do to tie the knot without spending a fortune? If you're a woman, getting hitched for the first time and your last name is Getty, Trump, Rockefeller, or Kennedy, skip this article and go shopping. But if you're a young couple just starting out or you're two divorcees who've 'been there, done that,' the following advice may save you thousands on your wedding costs.

1) Invitations. Let's face it: Do you really need old English script on antique white parchment paper that contains two white doves that are released when the intended guest opens it? Overkill. Of course you could entertain using the other side of the spectrum: Pen ink written requests on cocktail napkins sent by carrier pigeon. What? TOO tacky you say? How about something in the middle? Make your own! Today's personal computers have software installed in them that enables the user to create a customized invitation. It's not hard to do. After you've configured your 'invite' all you need to do now is drive down to your nearest office supply store and buy 'card stock.' A box of 60 costs around $20.00. Simply put the card stock in your printer and watch it print out your invitations. Fold them, stick them in an envelope and you're done.

2) Your dress, his tux. Does it have to be white? Does it have to be new? Does it have to be yours? A formal white evening gown is a viable option. They are considerably less expensive than a conventional wedding dress and you can get more use out of it. What about finding a used one on Craigslist or EBay? How about renting one for the day. There are plenty of websites that let you rent one for the day. Does your intended own a nice suit? If he doesn't, how about a friend or family member. Borrowing or buying a nice suit can be cheaper than renting a tux for the day.

3) The place. Do you absolutely have to get married in a church or chapel? Most churches and or priests charge a pretty substantial fee for this service. To save money, consider having a justice of the peace marry you both. Arrange to have the marriage ceremony performed in the same place that your reception will be held. This saves your guests from having to find some place to go in between the ceremony and the reception. Don't have the money to rent an expensive catering hall for your reception? What about an upscale restaurant with a large private room. How about a local hotel or motel with a nice conference room? Book traveling relatives or friends there and save them the hassle of trying to find an address in a strange city or town. Would you consider a 'Knights of Columbus' hall or a 'Moose lodge' or a V.F.W. hall to house your reception? Most of these places have kitchens inside their meeting halls which will allow you to bring in your own food. Getting creative can sometimes save you thousands.

4) The food. Having friends or relatives volunteer to cook food for your wedding decreases your costs too. Most restaurants offer outside catering services to most any location. They sometimes provide waitresses and servers for you. Don't have enough money in the budget to feed everyone? Consider spending a little bit more for your wedding cake. Most wedding cakes are nothing more than plain chocolate or vanilla cake mix with a sugar frosting on top. Boring and forgetful. Serve your guests a cake TO DIE FOR! Choose many layers with mouth watering fillings. Black forest cake and German chocolate cake are two examples. Serve coffee, tea and soda instead of alcohol. Provide those new 'designer' potato chips, pretzels and a choice of dips to go with the meal. If alcohol is a must, purchase bottles from a supplier if possible and buy your mixers from a 'bulk' store like SAM'S or B.J.'s Wholesale club.

5) The ride there. Do you really have to take a limo from your home to your wedding ceremony? Does a friend or family member own a large sedan or s.u.v.? How about someone with a classic car or roadster? Imagine pulling up in a model 'T' or a 1968 Chevy Camaro.

6) Photos or video. Hiring a professional photographer can be expensive. Since practically everyone on the planet owns a digital camera, cell phone camera, or small hand-held video camera, include a little blurb on your invitation suggesting that everyone who plans to attend bring something along. Another great idea is to purchase those inexpensive single-use film cameras that you can buy for about $5.00 each and place one or two on each table where your guests will be seated. Leave a little note next to them inviting them to take as many pictures of your happy occasion as they'd like. The cost for developing them will be cheaper in the long run. As your guests depart supply them with your email address and ask them to send you the pictures they've taken. Load film stock paper in your home printer and press 'print.' You'll have enough to fill an album in no time. Or, download them onto a CD and send everyone a copy. Oh, and keep one for yourself.

7) The rings. Big tip here: SHOP AROUND!! Prices on rings vary greatly from store to store. Do they have to be gold? 10ct gold is a viable option. How about titanium, sterling silver or stainless steel? Has a parent or relative passed down a ring to you? Consider using one of these.

8) Wedding favors. Can't afford hand blown glass figurines as wedding favors for your guests? Time to get inventive. Try purchasing a roll of colored cellophane film like the kind you wrap Easter baskets in. Cut it into 10' by 10' squares, make a pouch out of it and fill the pouch with Hershey kisses and a one dollar gold coin. The bank sells these for a dollar. Tie the pouch up in ribbon and 'voila,' you have a wedding favor. Your guests can keep the coin as a souvenir or spend it at the 'dollar store'! Good luck and best wishes.