ADVICE FOR MEN: HOW TO STAY ALIVE

I am sorry that it has to come to this but men die needlessly every day and I feel it is my civic duty to offer my advice. The following does not apply to all men, but to those who need it, you know who you are.

NATURAL DISASTERS
         1) Floods
          If you are driving down the road and come upon a large volume of water rushing over the blacktop before you, immediately stop the car. Open up the driver's door and get out. Walk to the front of your car. Look left, look right, estimate the depth and speed of the water, scratch the top of your head and get back into your car. TURN THE CAR AROUND AND GO BACK THE WAY YOU CAME!
         2) Hurricanes heading inland.
          Yes, the waves are big and the wind IS really blowing. Now is not the time for a walk on the beach.
And PUT DOWN THAT SURFBOARD, are you insane? No fishing either, Einstein!
          3) Earthquakes.
           Put down the video camera and get out of the house.
         4) Massive snow fall.
           DO NOT TIE THAT SLED TO THE BACK OF YOUR CAR! Or the toboggan. Or the red wagon. Nope, not the bicycle either. And no, especially NOT the kids. In fact, get out of the car. Everything is closed, you have nowhere to go. STAY OFF THE ROOF!

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT PET.
          1) A feeding rottweiler
          2) A polar bear
          3) A grizzly bear
          4) Okay, ANY friggin' bear!
          5) Any feline larger than "Garfield"
          6) A rattle snake
          7) A skunk
          8) A porcupine
          9) Any shark
         10) Your boss's wife at the company Christmas party

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER ATTEMPT
          1) Bank robbery
          2) Mountain climbing
          3) Bungee jumping at the traveling amusement park
          4) Trying to outrun the TEN patrol cars chasing you
          5) Trying to jump your daughter's "banana" bike over your neighbor's car using homemade wooden ramps while drunk
          6) Adding another outlet into the living room wall to power your new 52" flat screen T.V. while the power is still on
          7) Putting out your house fire with the garden hose
          8) Climbing the tallest tree in the back yard to hang the tire swing
          9) Lighting the charcoal grill with anything other than charcoal lighter. And NOT the whole can, fool!

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY.
          1) "I just can't quit you," at a cowboy convention
          2) " Hey, watch this!"
          3) "Yes, you DO look fat in that!"
          4) "Don't worry honey, your sister will never find out"
          5) "Harleys are for sissys" at a "biker" bar.
          6) "I THINK we have enough gas to get to Vegas," as you pass the "last chance gas" station.
          7) "I have a dream," at a KKK rally.
          8) "Is it alright if I pet you?" to your boss's wife at the company Christmas party. (See above)

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT
          1) Anything your wife cooks after finding out about you and her sister
          2) Anything on fire
          3) Anything you find behind the front seat of your pick-up truck
          4) Yellow snow (even on a dare!)
          5) Anything Scottish
          6) Anything from your friend's garden--the one who lives next to the textile factory
          7) Anything your friend "Ozzie" bakes
          8) Potted meat
          
          I hope this helps. If I can save a life, then I've done my job.

ADVICE TO ALL BIGFOOT EXPERTS: WE'RE ON TO YOU!

Today I had an epiphany while watching "weird news" videos on MSN. The question that has vexed me for so long was finally answered: Why are there "BIGFOOT" sightings? Because certain WHACKO people crave attention. Case in point.

         Recently, in San Antonio, Texas (trouble already) an anonymous caller told police (hint #1) that a "large and tall, hairy creature was spotted dragging a dear carcass into the woods." The caller gave a small stretch of woods right next to highway 1604 as the location of the sighting. According to the news woman handling the story, police "found nothing" along the path that the caller described, (hint #2.) BUT WAIT! Seemingly out of nowhere pops up Rick Tullos, head of (get this) "The Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization" complete with logo patch on his hat and camouflage jacket, (hint #3.) We spend the next 30 seconds watching Rick and the news woman walking through the woods looking for clues. As they are walking along a path not TEN FEET  from busy highway 1604 with cars whizzing by, the news woman looks down to see a pile of manure right before her.
"Is this from the creature?" she asks Rick. As the cameraman zooms in for a closeup of the mysterious manure, Rick says, "Nope. Cow pie." WHAT!! ARE YOU INSANE?? Cows walking along an UN-FENCED strip of grass right next to a busy highway. I don't think so. I think Rick almost stepped in what he's selling! But Rick isn't done garnering attention just yet. Lo and behold, Rick stumbles upon tracks that according to him, "don't seem human!" (hint #4) Nope, he'll analyze the tracks and "hopefully find some more" as he puts it. At this point the cameraman zooms in on what looks like ruts in the grass and underbrush. They looked nothing like tracks to me. I think it's pretty obvious to everyone who's responsible for this bit of shenanigans don't you? Everybody needs a hobby. Some collect stamps. Others collect baseball cards while others travel the country looking for elusive creatures that THEY invent. All for a little attention. Now, if you want some REAL attention, cheat on your wife!

DR. SEUSS HAD IT RIGHT ALL ALONG

Is it December already? I must not have been paying attention. I must have missed the covert overnight transformation that most retail stores perform around this time. You know what I’m talking about: Christmas decorations. The fact that they appear earlier and earlier each year just adds to my general feeling of disillusionment and manipulation. Each year, Christmas is thrust upon us whether we like it or not. And each year I feel more disconnected and empty. And I know why. But first, a little history. My parents, both non-practicing Catholics, sent me to parochial school to obtain the best education they could afford. It worked, but I lost my religion in the process. I have joined the ranks of the millions of “reformed” and now consider myself agnostic. Which is just one ladder rung up from atheist. I have theorized my own belief system and I am happy with it. That’s fodder for another column so for now I’ll just stick to the holiday blues. When you remove the standard religious dogma from Christmas and then expose Santa Claus for who they really are (parents) what have you got left to celebrate? All of you out there reading this just thought to yourselves a unanimous, “not much!” Exactly my point. So, after much thought I have concluded why this time of year makes some of us depressed, suicidal, alone and disconnected.
    It’s simply this: Christmas is not about trees covered in lights and garland. Or eggnog, turkey or pies. It’s not vintage T.V. specials, movies or twenty-four hours of X-mas music on the radio. No flying reindeer, elves, or flashy-dressed intruders who enter via your chimney. No wreaths, poinsettia or mistletoe. It’s not overly adorned retail stores, “tickle me Elmos” or bell ringing volunteers guarding a big, black pot. It’s not snow covered mornings or carolers serenading you with hymns. Nor is it about three wise men.
    You cannot experience Christmas extraneously because Christmas is an idea. It is born of one’s own mind and heart. It’s an attitude. It’s letting your guard down. It’s forgetting the differences between us and accepting each other for who we are. It’s a smile or a handshake. Being considerate of your fellow man or woman. It’s holding the door for someone or giving up your place in line at the check-out for the person with just one item. It’s buying someone who looks needy a cup of coffee or a bite to eat. It’s yielding the right-of-way to someone in traffic and appreciating their wave of thanks. It’s calling old friends and reminding them how much they mean to you. It’s telling your children and grand children how much you love them. And there is no better gift that you can give than telling your parents how much you love them and thanking them for impacting on your life. It’s forgiving old debts and resolving old issues. It’s opening up your heart and mind to an overabundance of goodwill towards each other. It’s finding inner peace in the notion that we were all created by the same entity and that we are truly all brothers and sisters sharing the same home.
    That is how I will celebrate Christmas this year. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll expand it a little more each year until I can experience that warm fuzzy feeling year round. And maybe some of it will rub off. Maybe it will catch on. Maybe all the mayhem produced by all those insane Christmas shoppers won’t matter anymore. Maybe Christmas won’t be about how much you can spend or how big your gift can be. Maybe we can learn from those mythical “Who’s” from that Dr. Seuss classic, “How the Grinch stole Christmas!”  They were unfazed at awakening to a Christmas morning devoid of all the trappings and celebrated notwithstanding. Although, a generous portion of “roast beast” never hurt anybody. Happy Holidays.


Used by permission of THE NEXT 50

ADVICE FOR HOMEOWNERS: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

            Are you a new homeowner or someone who has owned a home for some time? If you are, there are many aspects of home maintenance that you may be aware of or some that you have never considered at all. I have compiled a list of questions and answers that I feel are important to know.

1) Do you have QEST water pipe running through your home?  This is Polybutylene flexible pipe that was used to plumb many houses during the late 1980's and most of the 90's. Apparently, this brand of pipe will fail under certain conditions and there was a nationwide class action lawsuit in response to such failure. This pipe is usually recognized by it's grey color but it is also found in white, black, blue and cream. The printed letters "PB" can be found on the exterior of the pipe to help identify it. If you have this pipe running through your home and you have easy access to it, say, from an unfinished basement, crawl space or attic, you might consider replacing it. Or, at least just knowing if you have it can be useful. Generally, the cost to replace said pipe is not as expensive as you might think and the preventative costs associated with it far outweigh the potential damage costs. Look in the Yellow Pages for small owner-operated plumbing companies to get the most inexpensive material and labor costs to replace it.

2) Do you know where your home's main water supply shut off valve is? If you do, is it easily accessible? Do you have to climb over a mountain of toys or plastic storage totes to get to it? Easy access to this valve is essential in case of an emergency situation that requires the water to be turned off. Some older homes have the main valve outside the home in a front yard. Sometimes the lid to access the valve has a locking bolt on it to keep it sealed. Do you need a special sized wrench to open it? If you do, could you locate it in 60 seconds? When your house is flooding, every second counts. Keep such a device handy and in clear view at all times. I recommend a MASTER SHEET of information reminding you where all of these things can be found. You may want to add more of the following.

3) Do you know where your main circuit breaker panel is? Do you know if you have sub-panels, how many, and where they are? Do you have an older home with the old style screw-in fuses? If so, do you have any extra fuses handy in case one blows? By the law of building codes, access to circuit panels should never be blocked. But, as we all know, sometimes lack of space forces us to use every square inch of our garages and basements. You should always have easy access to these panels in case of an emergency. Having a flashlight with good batteries placed near such panels is always handy. Are all the circuits marked correctly AND LEGIBLE? If not, find an adult who can walk through your home as you flip breakers off and on, one by one to identify what they power. Use an indelible ink marker to mark as such. In an emergency, not having to guess what goes to where could save someone's life.

4) Do you have natural gas or propane entering your home? Do you know where the main shut off valve is? Do you have a gas fireplace or a gas stove? Do you know where the shut off valves are for these? Do you have a gas furnace heating your home? Can you easily find and reach the shut off valve to it? You should know the EXACT location where each of these can be found. Some gas fireplaces have a special KEY to turn the valve on and off. Do you know where the key is? Good advice is to hang the key in plain sight but NOT ABOVE THE FIREPLACE! If a fire should accidentally get out of hand, you may not be able to grab it due to flames.

5) Do you have a washer and dryer? Is your dryer exhaust vent free of dust and lint and does its opening and closing function properly? Believe it or not, birds and small animals will make these vents their home if they don't close properly when not in use. When was the last time you changed the rubber hoses that supply hot and cold water to your washing machine? Just like outdoor lawn hoses, these will fail and leak over time. They should be replaced periodically to avoid a flood, like when you're on a two week vacation away from home. That's when they usually break!

6) Does your home have a forced hot/cold air system? Do you know where ALL the return air duct filters are located? Do you know what size they are for each duct. Sometimes they are not all the same size. Did you know that the inexpensive throw away filters should be changed every month to keep your heating/cooling system functioning at its most cost efficient potential?

        A home, just like a car, needs regular maintenance. My advice is to put all pertinent information together on one master sheet, make several copies and keep them in easy reach. In an emergency, running around like a headless chicken in front of family members and neighbors never looks good. Although sometimes it might be entertaining.

Love or money? The Tiger Woods debate.

Didn't I just recently write an article about how men can easily take a relationship and flush it down the toilet? I guess a certain golf player missed that one. Which luckily, gives me a topic to expand on today. By now, unless you live in a cave, you know that golf wonder boy Tiger Woods is guilty (by his own words) of "transgressions." It never ceases to amaze me the vast number of colloquial terms we have invented to describe our mistakes. When we lie, it's a "fib" or a "white lie." Why does adding a color to it make it okay? Is a "black lie" worse? When we steal, it's called a "misappropriation" or "shoplifting." When we kill someone it's called "manslaughter." If a man accidentally kills a woman, shouldn't it be called "womanslaughter?" Well, it's not and you know why? Because "womanslaughter" sounds way too terrible. "Manslaughter" sounds much better. But I digress. Back to the Tiger. HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE! BROKE HIS MARRIAGE VOW! Allegedly, not with one, not with two, but with THREE WOMEN!! That's three life sentences in HELL if you believe in that sort of thing. "Transgressions" indeed!

         WOMENS DAY magazine recently conducted a poll asking women "would you stay if your husband cheated?" Of the women polled, 35% said "yes" while 65% said "no." "Maybe" and "it depends" were not options. This tells me that out of every one hundred  women at least thirty-five have been cheated on. But I'm willing to bet that the number is MUCH higher. So sad. What is wrong with men? Is making a lifetime commitment to just one woman so impossible? Is being in love and making love to the same woman so painful? Is just a few minutes of self-gratification with a different woman worth losing the one you have? Look, if you're a man who can't keep it in his pants then you have no business being married. Lying and cheating on your spouse is not fair to her. In the grand scheme of things a divorce is far less painful to a woman than  having her husband cheat on her. It is degrading to her and totally saps her self-esteem. THAT is something you do to your enemies, not to the woman who you considered your friend and wife.

           But apparently, on the subject of Tiger's "transgressions," most of the comments from men that I read on message boards seem to slap him on the back or encourage his bad behavior. He is now the hero of most ignorant men and the scourge of faithful women. And what does the media make of all this? "How will this hurt the TIGER WOODS brand?" Give me a break. He took a backhoe and dug himself a giant hole. Are we to feel sorry for him? Should we forget the whole thing? Frankly, I don't really care what happens to him. I only feel one thing: empathy towards his poor wife for having to suffer through this. BUT WAIT A MINUTE! She is not poor. On the contrary, she was just offered $5,000,000 to stay with her husband AND her revised pre-nup will give her an additional $55,000,000 if she stays for a total of ten years. Oh how silly of me, I forgot how boat loads of cash make up for everything and help people to forget. Right.

          When events like this happen, women are the losers. The message is clear: men, go ahead and cheat. If you've got enough money in the bank you can fix it. All can be undone with cash. Nothing will change until men view women as equals. Until they can see the world through their eyes. Until THEY have to go through life wondering when THEIR spouse will toss promises to the wind and cheat on them.

         On Sunday, December 6, I am getting married. My fiance and I have written our own vows, or promises if you like, and I intend to keep mine. When two people find each other and realize that no other substitutes will do, shouldn't a simple promise to be faithful be enough? If, as a man, you can't unequivocally answer "yes," then you have no business being married. Peace.

Three little words that can move mountains.

Of all the words in the English language, there are three that can stand alone and have three separate meanings. They each contain just one syllable and can be arranged in such a way that they convey a different idea each time. But there is one arrangement that's extra special. For the sake of time and space, let's call this arrangement number 1. 1 has the amazing ability to connect things that normally aren't connected. For instance, a young man and his first car. A young girl to her first pet. Another amazing feat for 1 is its ability to provide certainty in uncertain times. Like when someone you know makes a giant mistake or takes you for granted. 1 can be yelled or whispered. It can be flown on a banner behind a plane or found nestled in a tiny black box. 1 can be translated into any language on the planet and still mean the same in all. 1 can be read with the eyes or felt with the soul. 1 can be said to anyone and anything. 1 turns sorrow into joy and strangers into friends. 1 can apply to the young or old, black or white, male or female, man to man or mother to son. 1 has the power to move mountains but it is seldom uttered. 1 is the most important thing to know in life. 1 can also be said to ourselves when we are at our lowest point.1 is tossed around at family reunions and holidays, and whispered to those we know when laid to rest. 1 is what every child should hear from it's parents. And parents from every child. From brother to sister and vice-versa. 1 should be heard from every patriot to their nation and from every enemy to their foe. 1 should be cherished between any two people who care to share it. 1 removes doubt and mystery. It needs to be said daily and often. What are the three little words that make up number 1: I love You.

Another woman loses her life in the pursuit of perfection.

I am shaking my head in disbelief. Today, a top MSN news story is supplying me with the facts surrounding a former beauty queen's death. Apparently, a young woman has died due to complications she suffered after having a "buttocks enhancement" procedure. At first read, it almost sounds like the punchline to a joke in very poor taste, but I am not laughing. I am very serious. This woman got the idea in her head that her butt just wasn't FIRM enough to suit her. Why would she  possibly entertain this notion? Is there a NATIONAL BUTT FIRMNESS GUIDE? Has she broken any law? Was she being harassed by men following her around on a daily basis insisting that she have "buns of steel?" The answer to all these questions is YES! Oh, maybe not as bluntly or as sarcastically as I have written it but the motivation was there all the same. In my humble opinion, men are the root cause for such action. Men have raised the beauty and body bar so high for women that they are forced to consider such craziness. Today, thanks to modern technology it's no holds barred. Anything you want larger, smaller, fuller, thinner, longer, shorter, lighter, darker, smoother or removed can be accomplished. Whatever happened to moderation? Whatever happened to being self-content? Are most women's self-esteem so low that they have to risk death just to look better than the next woman? Apparently so. This woman did not have to die. There are other means of attaining the results that she sought. Walking backwards uphill on a treadmill would have acquired the same results. But again, a simple solution to a problem that should not exist. I believe every woman on the planet should turn the tables. They should not even consider a man with gray hair, wrinkles, thin lips, small pecs, a big gut, spaghetti legs, or wooly mammoth body hair. Give them a taste of their own medicine. Make them work like dogs at the gym, undergo liposuction and hair dye. Make them wax their body hair and get face lifts. Shun them and make them feel inferior until they are perfect. Make them know what it is to be a woman. There, I am finished with my tirade for the day. Click here to read the MSN news story. Women, stop the insanity!

Advice for women : How to make shopping with your man enjoyable.

Women and shopping. The two go hand in hand like shoe sales and credit cards. Women are natural born shoppers. It's in their genetic code. They can shop for hours, take a fifteen minute lunch break, and again, hit the stores running. Shopping for some women is more enjoyable than sex. Sad but true. For men on the other hand, shopping with a woman is like getting a colonoscopy: It's inevitable, you can't talk your way out of it, it's slightly amusing but mostly uncomfortable. So, with that in mind, I have compiled a list of tips for women to use to make the shopping experience more enjoyable for their man.

 1) Just getting him there.
         Men are easily outsmarted and will fall for almost anything. One way to get him into the stores is to mention how you think there might be a sporting goods store, a toy store or a video arcade inside the mall you are planning to attack. Should there be none of these at said mall, deny all recollections of the conversation. Another tactic you can try is to offer to buy him lunch. No man will ever refuse a free lunch! If all else fails, promise him something new and exciting in the bedroom tonight. Later that evening, place the shiny new flashlight that you purchased (when he wasn't looking) on his night stand and say, "TAA DAA!!" All men love flashlights.

2) Distraction.
         No matter what, some men just hate the shopping experience. This notion is ingrained in them as toddlers. They remember the never-ending hours of boredom they had to endure while being whisked from store to store as their mothers shopped like robots. These men are scarred for life and no amount of 'retail therapy' is going to help. For you to be free to shop every rack and to try everything on, without the whiny, "can we go home now," you must distract them. Give them something to read. Something with big, colorful pictures and words they can understand like 500 HORSEPOWER, or 12 POINT BUCK, or CAREER TOUCHDOWNS. The more magazines the merrier! They will sit quietly content for hours while you happily spend all their money! (just kidding.)

3) Inclusion.
        Some men are naturally inquisitive and might actually care about why you have come to the giant indoor mall to shop. These guys you can work with. Unlike "distracted man" above, your fellow might just require a simple task to keep him occupied and happy. Here is your chance to put him to work. Give him the size, and/or color, and/or budget of the items you are searching for and tell him to "fetch!" If he returns with a number of items that are dressing room worthy, pat him on the head and tell him what a 'good' boy he is. Should he return with a handful of clothing not fit for The salvation Army, say "BAD!" and send him back out.

4) My little helper.
       Amazingly, not all men are dolts and will actually enjoy shopping with you. Use this to your advantage. Ask him to pick out items that he thinks you might look good in. This will help stave off the boredom and actually give you a window into his fashion sense. After all, YOU are practically responsible for everything that hangs in his closet, i.e., birthdays, X-mas, anniversaries, his vasectomy 'get well' gift and so on. It's only fair that he has some input. If he does a good job of outfitting you, buy him some socks and underwear.

5) A rolling stone gathers no moss.
       Keep moving. You know he has a short attention span. Grab him by the hand and slingshot him from rack to rack. Jog through the aisles. Run from store to store. DON'T LET HIM SIT! Once you lose momentum you'll lose him. Keep him focused! Make him carry all the bags. He needs purpose. Show him that shopping can be fun! At home, in between mall attacks, put him on reconnaissance. Let him comb the Sunday paper searching for sales. Make him an active part of the shopping experience. Hopefully, once he is converted, he will tell all his dopey friends bringing harmony to all who shop. Amen.

Advice for all: How to avoid bloodshed on Thanksgiving Day!

Isn't it sad that I have to write an article like this regarding such a family oriented occasion? But, without fail, on the Friday after Thanksgiving, I always find an article about death or bloodshed at the Thanksgiving table. So sad! There are no logical reasons to kill family members on this occasion, but people die nevertheless. Maybe one reason for this is the "feeding frenzy" mentality that accompanies the anticipation of a large, mouthwatering meal. Deep inside, we are all still animals and maybe some instincts cannot be controlled. With this in mind I have compiled a list of what not to do on thanksgiving day to stay alive. I hope this helps!

1) The first time being in someone else's home  for Thanksgiving dinner.
The goal here is to try not to create tension in a new environment. No matter what, do not question why your host has to have 3 Christmas trees up at the same time. Maybe they're taking a botany class. And never comment on it being "too early" to put up the tree. Not everyone shares the same time schedule. Try to ignore the life size crucifix hanging in the foyer that greets you as soon as you walk in. Never comment on this! Remember, religion is one of those 'touchy' subjects that one should never discuss. Pay no attention to a house so cluttered that you need a "YOU ARE HERE" map just to find your way to the nearest bathroom. Not EVERYBODY has a housekeeper so try to hide that look of chaos on your face, 'Buffy.'
While navigating through someone's home, never open closed doors, enter, and rifle through dresser drawers and closets, unless you're absolutely sure that you haven't been followed. Any incriminating evidence you find should be kept secret until things get 'dicey' at the dinner table. Never assume that YOU can sit at the end of the table. THIS is reserved for (a) the cook. (b) the woman of the house. (c) the man of the house. (d) the grandparent residing in the house. The one with the flatulence problem, or (e) anyone in a wheelchair. You will sit where you're told to, DAMMIT, and be quiet about it! Every turkey ever hatched has only two drumsticks. There are 12 of you sitting around the table. You have a 1 in 6 chance of getting a leg and those are crappy odds. A sure fire way to end up in an ambulance en-route to the nearest hospital is claim one of these for your own. Your best bet is to wait until everyone has taken what they want off the 'meat' tray, then should there be a lone leg on said tray, grab for that sucka' with both hands.

2) Hosting the Thanksgiving meal.
AHA! Here you have the 'home' advantage. There are steps you can take to minimize the violence. One is to have a big screen television blaring the Thanksgiving day football game. Men are easily distracted by this and will blindly follow the commotion until they reach the living room and plop themselves down on a couch. It's best to herd them all into one place to keep an eye on them. Have a CO2 fire extinguisher on hand to control any arguments over 'foul calls' or 'player stats.' Another thing to do is to 'weapon proof' the house. Remove all machine guns, rifles, pistols, paintball guns, crossbows, knives, swords, darts, pool cues, pool balls, fireplace utensils, baseball bats, hockey sticks, rolling pins, scissors, nail clippers and safety razors. Pre-cut every ounce of food you plan to serve into bite-sized portions and set the table with spoons only. Bury ALL your knives and forks in the back yard just to be safe. If you are hosting a large part of your family for Thanksgiving dinner, here are some subjects that you should NEVER discuss. (a) religion ;see above. (b) politics. (c) anyone recently "coming out of the closet." (d) revising your parents' will. (e) who those parents should stay with because they're not staying in MY house, DAMMIT!
Try and limit the amount of alcohol served. A bunch of drunk, stuffed, hot and sweaty relatives cramped around a table normally built for six is a recipe for danger. DO NOT SERVE CRANBERRY SAUCE! No one really knows what this stuff is made from. And the fact that it resembles the inside of the can it just came out of, while sitting  there on a large, white plate, just creates anxiety and confusion. Diffuse the situation. As soon as the last bit of pie has been eaten and there isn't a drop of coffee left, bring all of the coats out from off of the master bedroom's bed, and hand them out. The quicker a crowd disperses, the more lives you can save. Happy Thanksgiving.

Why you shouldn't fear crop circles and other musings.

As I sit at my keyboard typing this article, I have music playing in the background. I am having difficulty seeing the keys through my tears. Yes, I am crying. Why? Because I am listening to Bob Dylan's, "Christmas in the heart," and it has to be the funniest thing I've ever heard. He has absolutely no voice left (like he could sing before?) and so he is crucifying (no pun intended) fifteen classic Christmas songs. If you need a great 'GAG' gift or know a true die hard Dylan fan, buy this CD. It will be the best $14.00 you ever spent! Now, to continue.

          Okay, we are all aware how ALL department stores have an incredible sale the day after X-mas, right? Aren't we all feeling the effects of this recession? Wouldn't you like to get more bang for your buck this year? Do you see where I'm going with this? It's time to beat the retailers at their own game!
POSTPONE CHRISTMAS FOR TWO DAYS! There, I said it! And why not? If you've got kids here's what you tell them: Tell them that if they want Christmas to come when it always does, that they will get a few presents. Then, ask them  if they can wait ONLY two extra days, they'll get LOTS of presents! If you haven't any kids or you are alone or have just a spouse, give it a thought. The stores won't be as wacky, most everyone will be waiting in that long RETURN line, so shop all day and save hundreds.

Crop circles. They pop up everywhere. I have applied some simple logic to their origin and I have concluded that they are not created by aliens, so there is no reason to fear them. Of course, if you saw the movie, "Signs," you may argue my point, but first, hear me out.
1) They have to be smarter than us.
A smart alien has better things to do than to fly millions of miles to earth, land, and then draw some unexplainable pattern in the landscape that one can only really appreciate from above. Most of these patterns seem to be pointing to something. What? A Walmart? A Target? The nearest McDonalds? They point nowhere. An alien would have it pointing to our nearest defense system, so forget about it.

2) Aliens have big heads.
"And so?" you may be asking. Well, most of these circles appear in large fields. Fields of grass or wheat or corn. Do you remember the sinus headache you get when 'hay fever' season rolls around? Great, now imagine having a big alien head. Now, imagine the headache that accompanies it. Now, imagine that you're an alien. Need I say more?

3) Aliens have to be discreet.
Mankind is so dumb that if an alien did ever land, we'd blow it to smithereens. Aliens are smart so they know this. Therefore, it makes no sense that aliens would come during the dark cover of night, spend hours making some dopey symbol, then leave, leaving the symbol as evidence that they were here. Starting to see it my way now, aren't you?

Crop circles are made by college students with a calculus degree. Actually, anyone can make a crop circle. All you need is stakes, a sledgehammer, a few different lengths of rope and a bunch of friends that have too much time on their hands. Wait a minute. Remember how hard it is just to find two friends to help move a couch, let alone trample through a damp field, in the dark, making some incoherent symbol, all to perpetuate some kind of hoax? Fine! It's aliens then.

Advice on how to dramatically change your life.

About seven years ago I ended my marriage. No-one was really to blame, let's just call it a mistake. I spent many years unhappy, so to seek solace from my misery I turned to Television. It was my crutch. My bottle of 'Jack Daniels.' My drug of choice. T.V. has a way of numbing you to the point of absorption: you are in another world that thinks for you, entertains you, informs you and controls you. On that fateful day of my self-imposed freedom, I had a life altering choice to make: To either buy a T.V., hook it up to cable and continue to be a couch potato OR choose to give it up completely and permanently. There and then I made the decision that dramatically changed my life: I gave it up.

 So, what do you do when you no longer have T.V. in your life? You start living. I ventured out into the world and started dating. Man, how things have changed! I met intelligent, empowered, insightful, compassionate, wise and wonderful women that taught me so much about me, them and how we interact. I was shown a different view, a new slant on the world. I was enlightened. I became a better man. I eventually found my future wife. Could all of these things have occurred had I not given up T.V.? Possibly, but not likely. I would have become part of the furniture, my eyes fixed to the screen.

Giving up T.V. on that fateful day started a domino effect that is still continuing today. With time on my hands during the evening hours, I ventured out into society. I ended up at a restaurant that hosted an 'open mic' night. I was feeling melancholy that evening but I decided to try my hand at fifteen minutes of stand-up comedy. I sat at the bar jotting down some notes and snippets creating a rough draft of my short routine. During my time slot, I 'killed' them. I left them laughing. I discovered a hidden talent.

While being out in the world, dating, I met a very interesting woman. What was interesting about her was her loud, boisterous laugh. A genuine laugh, not forced or phony in any way. I thought that she'd be a great audience for my comedy material. I offered to show her some things I had written and sure enough, she laughed until tears ran down her cheeks. After she regained her composure  she looked me in the eye and asked if I had written anything serious. I answered, I didn't. "You should," she said. I told her I would. Later that evening I laid in bed formulating the basis for my story. I expanded on my idea and spent the next few hours writing a one page short story. I showed it to her the next day. "You wrote this in one night?" she asked. "Yep," I replied. "This is good, you have to write more!" Well, I did, which set off the first domino. I wrote eleven short stories giving me the confidence to apply for a contributing writer's job for two local magazines. I became a columnist. Second domino to fall. Would I have become a columnist had I not given up T.V.? Highly unlikely.

Being on my own after departing the marriage, I was forced to cook for myself. No big deal really, I knew the basics and I could follow a recipe. Soon, after preparing my own meals, I realized how much I enjoyed doing it. I took great satisfaction in improvising and creating different meals for myself. I experimented more. I cooked for women I dated. I cooked for family members on holidays. I expanded what I was. I grew as a person. I learned to cook. Did this come about due to my extra time without T.V? Probably.

With still more time on my hands in the evening hours, I searched for a hobby to keep me occupied. I responded to a local newspaper ad looking for people who liked to sing. I had been singing non-professionally all of my life so I decided to join. While practicing at the band leaders home for a spring concert called, "The Italian Festival," I noticed boxes and boxes of books stacked by his front door. "What's with all the books?" I asked. "I'm thinning out my library. Do you want them?" Being an avid reader but never finding the time to read when I was married, I quickly answered, "Yes." I took home over 200 books and dug in. I increased my reading speed, my vocabulary, and boosted my knowledge of grammar and semantics. I became more intelligent. Could I have achieved this sitting like a vegetable on my couch? Nada.

So now I'm singing. I meet a fellow musician who is the band leader of a jazz, swing and standards band. I ask him if he needs a new lead singer. He informs me that he does. Soon I am lead vocalist for the 'Swingcats.' I must learn many new songs and memorize new lyrics. I perform with the band. I meet new people. I grow as a person. I played the drums in grade school and had a 'garage' band. I decide to take them up again and purchase a new set. Soon I am playing again and getting better and better. I enjoy playing drums. I have expanded my inner talents. I have grown as a person.

My latest venture is this blog that you are currently reading. The third domino to fall. Since giving up T.V. my I.Q. level has risen 21 points and I am creative and productive. Since I get all my news online and from National Public Radio, I am no longer spoon fed the news that T.V. supplied to me. I can make an unbiased decision regarding the news. I am not inundated by daily news shows that are more fluff than fact. I don't have to watch or care about Jon and Kate and their houseful of kids. I don't have to sit through hours of Michael Jackson news and tributes. I don't have to guess what killed Anna Nicole Smith. Will the results be the same for everyone that gives up the T.V? Obviously not, but I guarantee that your life will change for the better.

Advice on how to beat a traffic ticket.

     If you think flashing some cleavage at the patrol officer leaning in your window is going to get you out of that, "failed to stop at stop sign" ticket, you're sadly mistaken. I tried it and all I got was another ticket, "attempting to bribe a police officer!" Be that as it may, there are some traffic violations that you can beat in court if you know how. First, let's be perfectly clear: some tickets you will absolutely not beat. If you run a red light and "T-bone" a passing car, you're gonna' have a hard time wiggling out of that one. If you run through a stop sign at a four way intersection with a patrol car on all sides of you, there's another one you might not win. But because there are literally hundreds of traffic infractions that you could incur during the course of just driving to the nearest 7-11, you might be able to beat some of them.

     The first thing you need to do is to be prepared. Keep a small notebook and pen in your glove compartment to take notes when you are first pulled over. Note the day, time, traffic conditions, weather, and most importantly where the patrol officer's car was when he or she spotted you allegedly breaking the law. If the officer decides to cite you for an infraction and you are absolutely positive that you did not commit the said infraction, by all means DO NOT ARGUE WITH HIM OR HER! Say nothing, but take or make notes of what the officer says to you. THIS IS IMPORTANT!
    
     In order to win your case you will have to go to court. Do not fear this. The law states that every person is innocent until proven guilty. Do not fear the judge or be intimidated by the court or it's proceedings. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HIRE A LAWYER IN ALL CASES. If you have done your homework and follow my advice, you have just as good a chance to win without one. To get started, you will have to prepare your case. You will do this at home.

1) Gather information.
     If possible, go back to the exact location of where you received your ticket and take pictures. Take pictures of where you were. Take pictures of where the officer was when he or she spotted you. Take pictures of traffic flow, and any other pertinent locations. Develop these and be ready to use them.
Supply any and all pertinent information regarding your car, it's uniqueness, it's status in society. If it's a high performance sports car, note that. If it's a 'Yugo' on it's last legs, note that too. If you have high performance tires, brakes, handling, note these too.

     Make a large, easy to understand detailed schematic of the site where the infraction occurred. Note the direction and location of your vehicle. Most importantly, note the direction and location of the officers vehicle. Note traffic lights, stop signs, gas stations, convenient stores and pedestrian cross walks. Be extra thorough!
If you have recently taken a driver improvement course, bring this with you to court. This next piece of advice is most important: WRITE DOWN EVERY QUESTION THAT YOU INTEND TO ASK THE PATROL OFFICER WHEN YOUR DAY IN COURT ARRIVES!

2) In court.
Believe it or not, just showing up to court on the appointed day can win you your case. If the patrol officer fails to show up by the time your case is called, your case is dismissed. You win! Do not rely on this. Dress for court. Wearing a suit or business wear to court makes a very good impression on a judge. If you own one, bring all your files and photos to court in a brief case. If you don't own one, a metal file holder or a professional clipboard will suffice. Your name will be called when it is your time to approach the bench. Do not panic and try to stay calm. A friendly demeanor or a smile wins people over. Never approach the bench with a "chip" on your shoulder. The judge will acknowledge you and your infraction. He or she will ask the officer to speak first and explain his or her reasoning for giving you the infraction. No matter what the officer says stay calm, do not interrupt and keep quiet. You will get your chance.

     After the officer has said his or her piece, the judge will then ask you if you have any questions for the officer. IT'S SHOWTIME!  Time for you to go to work. Inform the judge that you do have questions, face the officer and as calmly and as succinctly as you can pose your first question. Give the officer ample time to answer. Ask your questions in a breezy tone and do not get riled or flustered by whatever the officer says. Stay focused. Right here, right now it's your word against his or hers. Your number one job here is to convince the judge that the officer erred in judgment when writing your summons. Use all of your notes, pictures and pertinent information to support your argument. Offer to show the judge your facts. Stay cool and calm throughout. If you have presented a convincing enough rebuttal, the judge will likely rule in your favor. Thank the judge and be on your way.

     Best of luck, Ray.

For Women only : Understanding Men and why they do what they do.

*Editors note*  I may be at risk of alienating a small portion of the male species with this following article but the men that I point a finger at don't necessarily read these types of articles anyway. I do not claim to know every man, nor do I claim to be a perfect man. I am merely providing my opinion and observations. I call 'em the way I see 'em. Any intelligent man reading this will most likely not see themselves included in some of the generalizations that lie ahead. -ed.

Men. How I hate to be lumped into that group. But I am a man, guilty of some of the mistakes that accompany being a man, but I try to rise above. As an observer of men, I have a bit of insight into why they act and behave as they do. I believe women are entitled to share in this information to help them understand. Here goes!

Men are idiots. Not all, but most. History has provided  large numbers of men who defy my first statement, but mostly, they're idiots. Only a man would yell, "Hey! Watch this!." Which usually leads to sirens, paramedics, fire hoses, destruction of property, bandages and casts. A woman would never do this. The ensuing laughter caused by the aforementioned scenario is usually attributed to women. Men shoot each other while hunting in the woods. How big of an idiot do you have to be to mistake a two hundred twenty pound man wearing a bright red hat for a fawn? Even deer laugh at those guys. Men blow limbs off making bombs. Men kill each other over a pair of sneakers. Men routinely destroy perfectly good relationships with women for the most ridiculous reasons. Let's dig deeper into that one, shall we?

Besides being idiots, most men have zero confidence. Why? Maybe they weren't nurtured as a child. Maybe they were constantly put down, humiliated or compared to another child, their own shortcomings always being pointed out. Any number of issues can result in low self-esteem or lack of confidence. In a relationship with a woman is where a man with these attributes will try to prove himself. He's the guy looking for an affair. He's the guy who will cheat. He will run the risk of losing everything just to prove himself a man in his woman's eyes. Then, of course, is the other side of the spectrum : EGO MAN! This guy is a legend in his own mind. He has bought into society's perceived idea of what a man should be, hook, line and sinker. He is a force to be reckoned with. He's the controlling guy. The guy who monitors his woman's every move, her friends, her money and the amount of freedom he is willing to dole out. He is a jealous man. Doesn't even let another man look at his property. But he is not alone. Low confidence man is jealous too! He is afraid  that the guy sitting on the bar stool next to his girl friend is going to snatch her away when he goes to the men's room. A man of true self-confidence has no interest in any of this behavior.

Ever wonder why he doesn't call after that supposedly wonderful first date? Besides being idiots, most men are cowards when it comes to communicating with women. Most are awkward with words and fear saying the wrong thing. He won't call you because in retrospect some minute detail about you has turned him off and he doesn't have the nerve to tell you that he doesn't want to see you again. It's less painful for him to just ignore you. Silly and rude behavior.

By now, most women know that most men are visually stimulated. If they see something appealing to the eye, the little head takes over. This can cause relationship problems down the road. Most men would love their wives or girlfriends to be Miss America beautiful with runway model shapes and porn star techniques in the bedroom. Welcome to the real world. If your husband or boyfriend cares nothing about the aforementioned statement, consider him unique and yourself lucky. He truly loves you for who you are no matter what you look like. He is in a minority. For the rest of the male population who can't handle a woman's physique after childbirth or accept a woman's form as it ages, those men will most likely cheat, avoid sex or limit sex, making a woman's life miserable. There is no viable excuse to be made for this behavior.

Men are almost always in competition with other men. This makes them selfish. This makes them roll over and attempt sleep after three minutes of love making. What? You weren't satisfied? Too bad, it's all about him. The truly confident man feels no need to compete. He doesn't have to have it all. Selfish is not in his vocabulary. He is the man who will spend hours making love to a woman ensuring that she is satisfied too. Ladies, if you have one of these, consider him unique and yourself lucky.

Men are capable of horrific atrocities. They wage war against each other. Men, women and children are all targets. Women need to remember that although men are classified as Homosapiens, they are mammals too. They are animals still evolving. They are primitive. Some have progressed past this and have shown a great capacity for compassion and beauty. All men should aspire to this. But some barely walk erect causing pain and embarrassment to the rest of us. My hope is that one day all men will suddenly realize that there is this wonderful, compassionate, loving, caring, loyal creature next to them who can be their best friend too. A woman.

Advice on quitting smoking.

Smoking has become just another personal attribute among many that seek to divide and differentiate us from each other. The 'smokers' and the 'non-smokers.' The smokers cannot hide. We see them standing outside banks, schools, restaurants, department stores, libraries, any place where smoking is banned. They stand there no matter what time it is or what the weather conditions are. Sometimes they sit, huddled together enjoying a cigarette. Or cigar. Or pipe. Or joint. Sometimes I think certain people would smoke anything that you put in front of them. There is a certain amount of animosity towards each other regarding smoking. Non-smokers don't enjoy breathing smoke while they're eating, at the theatre, or in small confined rooms. Non-smokers don't like to be near ashtrays or smell the smoke permeated in someone's clothes or hair. Most smokers are oblivious to these conditions. Hence, the animosity. I myself, am a non-smoker. But, I had to endure second hand smoke for at least half my life. I know many people who smoke. I have lost love ones to the ravages of lung cancer. It is painful, it reduces a persons dignity and it is heart wrenching for those who have to watch.
On the third Thursday of November annually, comes the American cancer society's great American smokeout. This group is dedicated to helping smokers break the habit. Current research shows that smokers are more likely to quit if they have access to some means of support.
Such as:
Counseling
nicotine  replacement products like nicorette gum or the nicotine patch.
telephone smoking cessation hotlines
prescription medicine to help reduce cravings
guide books
support and encouragement from family and friends.
If you know and love someone who smokes, pass along this advice. You would try to stop a friend from jumping off a bridge to kill themselves, right?

MEN: Going bald? It's not as bad as you think!

I know, I know. I'm broaching on a delicate subject. But somebody has to talk about it. I'll be as gentle as I can. "Hey loser, is your hair abandoning your head faster than rats from a sinking ship?" Was that gentle enough? For what it's worth, I suffer the same fate. I too create a glare under bright lights. So, what are we to do about it? Well, the first thing to do is to STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT! Worry fuels stress and stress can do terrible things to a person. One example, make their hair fall out. So, the more you worry, the more you lose. Chill out, dude. You have options!

OPTION # 1
Embrace your baldness.
Guys, do you still adhere to the notion that baldness is a sign of being emasculated? Not true. Do you think anyone ever pointed a finger at Yul Brynner and laughed? How about calling Telly Savales a "sissy boy?" Vin Diesel a "girlie man?" I think not! Would you want to play basketball against Michael Jordan? Tell Bruce Willis his Die Hard movies suck? Point out to Curly of Three Stooges fame that he's NOT a ladies man? Alright, maybe the last one isn't such a good analogy, but you get my drift. Today, bald has a new definition. A different perception. If you feel powerless over your hair loss, seize control. Take a razor to your head and claim victory! YOU now have the final word on the subject. YOU have chosen to be bald, not the other way around. I myself opted for that shiny smooth look. Unfortunately, the combination of my oddly shaped egg head together with my goatee AND my rather large frame, added up to me looking like a mass murderer. Not the kind of guy you want to take home to 'meet the parents!' In fact, after seeing a snapshot taken of me, I quickly let whatever I had grow back in. So, I am not a good example. But, if you think you have a nicely shaped head, consider the razor. If, on the other hand, bald is definitely not an option for you, then consider.....

OPTION #2
Pharmaceuticals
Wouldn't you know it but purely by accident some people taking the blood pressure drug Minoxidil started to grow hair on their heads. Go figure! Today, there is Rogaine. The makers of Rogaine state that "only some may experience hair growth on very specific areas of the scalp." Not very reassuring. If that little tidbit of information doesn't deter you, consider this: A one year supply will average you about $220.00. Now, how about potential side affects like: Rapid heart beat, chest pain, light headedness, dizziness, sudden unexplained weight gain (think Uncle Fester of Addams family fame) water retention, scalp irritation, the list goes on and on. Still not deterred? How does that saying go, "Fools rush in............."

OPTION #3
Science.
Men in white lab coats yielding scalpels have come up with a solution: Implant someone else's dead hair into your head. Gross! But, look at the upside: you'll never need a haircut again! Not for you? How about having hair taken from the back of your head where it's still growing strong and having it surgically implanted on your bald spot? This can also be done. But, you'd better have deep pockets for those two. Is money tight during this sinking economy? Consider..........

OPTION #4
Have a rug installed over your flesh floor.
A WIG! Right! No one will ever guess! No one will ever notice how one day you resembled Sean Connery but the next day you looked like Howard Stern. No one will ever notice that you NEVER need a haircut or the forever absence of gray. Of course the upside is that after 30 years your hairstyle will finally be back in vogue. Isn't that comforting?

OPTION #5
The comb over and the perennial baseball cap. The first suggestion is sadder than the end of Titanic and the second one never works well when you are in a three piece suit or a tux. Unless of course, you're Michael Moore. I do not recommend either of these.

So, in closing, it is my personal view that you should opt for option #1. It's the manly thing to do. And for all you men out there already bald who choose to grow that great big beard and moustache, here's an observation: You look like Lenin. No, not the Beatle, the communist!

THE ROAD TO HAPPINESS

That very popular 70’s show, “The Partridge Family,” had a line in its opening theme song that told us to “c’mon get happy!” Great advice. But is it that simple? Maybe not, and I should know. In March of 2007, a woman who I was casually dating broke off our relationship citing the fact that, “I was not happy.” “Wait a minute,” I said. “You’re not breaking up with me because I don’t make YOU happy. We’re breaking up because you think I’m not happy. Have I got that right?” Her reply: “That’s right.” At the time, I commented on how it was a “lame excuse” and that I was very happy. Today, after much thought and introspection, I have concluded that she was right. I was not happy.

But that exchange happened almost three years ago and a lot can change in that amount of time. I’ll discuss those changes later but for now I would like to explore what ‘happy’ is. ‘Happy’ is purely a state of mind. It is not a place you can visit. It is not something you can touch, see, hear, taste or smell. It cannot be weighed or counted. You cannot buy it or sell it. You cannot force it upon someone but sometimes it can be taken from you. Webster’s New World Dictionary defines “happy” as “having, showing, or causing great pleasure or joy.” So, ‘happy’ is the end result of something that brings you pleasure or joy. Which means that it will always be different for everyone.

As a human being I am constantly being exposed to things that make me ‘unhappy.’ Global warming, gas prices, food prices, the state of the economy, war, man's inhumanity towards his fellow man, my children’s coldness, all make me unhappy. In my quest for happiness I realized that most of the above I had no control over and could not change. Nevertheless, I was determined to be happy.

So, how do I get happy? First, I made a list of everything that I could think of that makes me happy. It was a long list. The stark reality of that exercise was that I no longer had those things in my life. Time, distance, culture, my age, my commitments, along with a few other factors, removed much of what made me happy from my life. My list included but was not limited to:
1) Being in love
2) Music
3) Friends
4) Cinema
5) Reading
6) Writing
7) The gym
8) My car
9) Time for play

I realized I wasn’t putting enough effort into incorporating those things back into my life. But, since compiling my list I have met my ‘soul mate,’ my ‘other half’ so to speak and find joy being in love. I have made new friends and acquaintances that bring joy to my life. I have started expanding my record (yes, record) collection to include the kind of music I love and that brings me joy. I rent more classic movies to watch at home. Movies from my childhood. Movies I enjoyed. I have found time to read again. I have started writing this blog site which you are currently reading. I extract great joy from it. I have joined the local Y.M.C.A. and try to exercise more. I will take my girl, pack a lunch and go for long drives in the country. And lastly, I have found time to play. I have increased the number of things that brought me joy, thereby making me happy.

So, in closing, my advice today is to tell everyone to be happy. How? Make a list. Check it twice. Bring happiness back into your life. But first, be happy with yourself. Like yourself. If you’re under the delusion that money will buy you happiness, forget it. True, money buys toys, and toys can bring you joy, but like a toddler, you will lose interest and put them down. Well, maybe not a jet ski. Or a Ferrari. Or a cabin cruiser. Or a vacation traveling the world. Alright, I stand corrected. Money does buy happiness. Forget the whole thing.

Winter and your car

If you own a car and do not have access to mass transit, your least favorite time of year is approaching : Winter! I get chills just typing the word. I have a few suggestions on how to make winter and your car work together.

1) When winter roads start to become hazardous, release some of the air in your tires. A slightly flatter tire provides a little bit more contact with the road. I recommend setting the pressure at slightly above half of the maximum recommended pressure for that tire. That information is found on the outside of each tire. In very small letters.

2) When is the last time you replaced your wiper blades? If you can't remember, it's time to replace them.

3) Check the fluid level in your windshield washer fluid reservoir. Make sure it is full.

4) Check the fluid level of anti-freeze in your overflow reservoir. Make sure it is full to it's capacity. If you haven't changed your anti-freeze in over three years, it's time for a fluid change.

5) Keep a flashlight in your glove compartment and check the batteries every three months.

6) Keep a warm blanket, raincoat and two gallons of distilled water in your trunk if possible. It's better to be prepared for an emergency than to try and improvise during one.

7) Have you ever changed a flat tire on your vehicle? Do you know if you have a working jack? A tire iron to remove a wheel? Does your spare (if any) have air in it? If it does, set the pressure to what I suggested in tip # 1.

8) Flares, reflective HAZARD signs and a small emergency medical kit are all great to have in your trunk just in case.

9) If you have a cell phone, keep a cell phone car charger in your glove compartment.

10) For better night vision during storms or rural driving, change your head light lamp bulbs to the brightest halogen bulbs allowed for your vehicle. Your local auto parts store clerk can help provide this information and if you ask him or her nicely, they just might install them for you.

11) How old is the battery in your car? Most batteries have a five year life span. Cold temperatures can quickly drain a battery's cranking power. If the five year mark is approaching, consider replacing your battery. On most newer foreign cars, a dead or dying battery will most often harm your alternator causing it to fail as well. Another good reason to replace your battery.

12) Try to keep your gas tank full as much as possible. There are many reasons to do this. First, since a property of gasoline is to easily vaporize, keeping your tank full reduces the amount of air space available for your gas to vaporize into. The gas in your tank will last longer this way. Second, every gallon of gasoline in your tank adds weight over you car's rear wheels. If you have a rear wheel drive vehicle, this helps provide your car with more traction. Third, if a big storm hits and power goes out to a large area, gas stations may close due to lack of power. Having little or no gas in your tank may strand you at home or on the road. And finally, if the power goes out at your home and you have to rely solely on electric for heat, you can always climb into your car, start it up and run the heater to keep warm. I DO NOT recommend you do this if your car is in an enclosed area OR if your car currently has an inadequate muffler.

13) If you know in advance that a snow or ice storm is coming, lift your windshield wipers off of the windshield. This will help you scrape ice or snow off without damaging them.

14) If a snow storm is imminent, park you car at the end of your driveway closest to the street. You will have less snow to shovel out of your way to access the road.

15) Slow down. Be safe, Ray.

Good advice for help losing weight.

I mentioned in a past article that I spent some time as a personal fitness trainer. I got involved doing this after personally losing over 70 pounds and taking second place in a bodybuilding competition. This happened in 1996. Today I would like to share information that helped me accomplish this. Note that this plan may not work for everyone. Those with diabetes or strict food requirements may not be able to use this advice. Consult your personal physician before implementing this plan.

As a personal fitness trainer I realized the similarities shared amongst my clients as to why they were all over weight: Their lifestyle. By lifestyle I mean specifically what they ate and when they ate it. We have enormous control over own own body's metabolism. It can be manipulated in three ways: 1. The amount of food eaten. 2. The content. 3. The frequency by which we eat.

For example: Let's say that you are a working individual. You go to a job every day. You leave your house every day without eating breakfast. You wait until 12:00--1:00 p.m. to have lunch. If you didn't bring lunch, you will have to eat out. Your choices are quite limited if you only have a certain allotted time to eat. So, you eat fast food every day. When you arrive home, other aspects of life take precedence and dinner is not served until 6:00 or 7:00 p.m.. You consume a large meal, relax on the couch watching 'survivor' until you hit the sack at 10:00 p.m. Congratulations! You have the metabolism of a dead person, the main reason why you are overweight. If you continue to live this way, you will grow steadily heavier each year. There is one way to reverse this process: Change your lifestyle.

To explain how to do this let's examine the three ways to manipulate your metabolism starting with the frequency by which you eat. This is the biggest impact on metabolic rate. Eating only twice a day slows metabolism to a crawl. Eating FIVE times a day speeds it up. Eating five times a day with THREE HOUR INTERVALS is the best frequency for maximizing your metabolism.

Now let's examine the amount of food to eat. If you are now eating five times a day, every three hours BUT you are consuming enough food each time to feed a small nation, you're eating too much. A SMALL PORTION is what you are striving for. Each portion should take no longer than five minutes to eat. Or if you prefer, enough food to almost fill a nine inch dish. Basically, eat just enough food to fill you, but still feel a bit hungry when you're done. This will help you look forward to your next meal three hours away.

Finally, it's time to examine content. Because this aspect will be different for everyone, I will provide you with the basic formula, you will provide the ingredients. But first you will have to alter your perception of what constitutes 'breakfast,' 'lunch' and 'supper.' To accomplish this simply view your meals as MEAL #1, MEAL #2, MEAL #3 and so on. You will have to greatly expand what you used to consider as traditional 'breakfast' foods to include a GREATER VARIETY.

Here is the formula for your five meals:
MEAL # 1. You want to eat foods high in protein, carbohydrates and fat. WHAT? Do you think I'm insane? I may be but not when it comes to this. Protein enriched foods help feed your body's muscles and muscles burn fat most efficiently when energy is called for. So, eating a large amount of protein during the day is ESSENTIAL to weight loss. This first meal must also contain a large amount of carbohydrates. Why? The carbs you eat for breakfast help supply your body with energy during the course of the day. Do you know how sometimes you get sleepy around 2:30-3:00 p.m.? It's because your body is running out of carbs to burn. This is why it's important to eat carbs for breakfast. You must also include foods high in fat in meal # 1. Your body REQUIRES a certain amount of fat to help with different functions.

MEAL #2. As with meal #1, you'll want to eat a large amount of protein. You will also eat a medium amount of carbohydrates but you will NOT EAT foods high in fat if possible. There will be fat included in the food you choose for meal #2, so try to limit those foods that are naturally high in fat. Red meat is the highest with chicken, turkey and fish being the lowest.

MEAL #3. As with meals 1 and 2, keep your protein intake high. Now you will cut your carb intake down considerably. And again, no fat or very low fat foods for this meal.

MEALS #4 and 5. These meals you'll want to eat only foods high in protein if possible. These are the two hardest meals to get accustomed to. If you simply must eat some carbs, eat a small salad or some steamed vegetables with these meals.

Eating this way on a daily basis will help you lose weight. When you finally reach your goal weight and want to maintain that weight, simply add a SMALL amount of foods containing carbohydrates into meals 4 and 5. If you start to gain weight again, simply adjust the amount of carbs for those meals.

Here are some tips:
If you are not sure or confused about which foods contain protein, carbohydrates or fat, this information is available in book stores and on the internet. Don't rely on friend's or relative's advice. Go to the source.

Eating 5 times a day means lots of food preparation. Do this during the weekends or evenings. Cook large amounts of food each time and then separate it out into convenient bags for travel. Usually, meals 1 and 5 will be eaten at home so this is not a problem. The other 3 will have to be mobile unless you eat out for lunch. Remember to adhere to the formula as much as possible so make wise choices in restaurants or diners.

If possible, try to eat meal 5 no later than 7:00 pm.

Drink plenty of water during the day. When drinking water with your meal do not drink water as you eat. Drink some water after you have consumed your meal. Why? Because water dilutes your natural stomach acids. Ideally, what you want is for your food to be well coated and absorbed in this acid before diluting it with water.

Keep salt intake as low as possible. Salt retains water in these proportions: 1 part salt retains 100 parts water. So keep salt out of your meals if possible.

After the third or fourth day of implementing your lifestyle change, you will wake up very hungry. This is the first sign that your metabolism has sped up and you should start seeing the first signs of weight loss. Do not get discouraged and do not step on the scale every day. Check your weight every month for a true barometer of your progress.

Here's a tip just for the ladies: Do you know those days when you just crave sweets and chocolate? Try to refrain from eating those at night but include them in meal # 1. Your body will most likely burn off these BAD foods during the course of the day. Try not to make it into a habit.

If some of you readers out there decide to implement my plan, write into a comment box that you are, so I and everyone else can follow your progress and please pass along tips that you have discovered along the way. Best of luck, Ray.

WORLD'S BEST ADVICE FOR MEN : THINGS TO BUY YOUR WOMAN FOR HER BIRTHDAY!

*Editor's note: As a rule I prefer my advice to be all-inclusive whenever possible. Due to the fact that today, with so many relationship choices, i.e., man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, man and sheep, woman and vibrator, it would be impossible to advise all the combinations because of time constraints and page constraints. Some of the following content may apply to you and some may not. If you feel left out, I extend my apologies.--ed.

Men, what I am about to share with you is better than knowing in advance who's going to win next year's World Series. I have the answers to the question you have been asking since the moment you exited the womb: What the hell do I buy my wife for her birthday? But, before I supply you with this priceless advice, we must first make sure that the definition of the term 'birthday present' in regards to your wife is understood by all.

The following are by all means NOT examples of birthday gifts for her:
1) A new lawn mower.
2) A vacuum cleaner.
3) A garden hose.
4) A weed whacker.
5) A three ton floor jack, a mechanics 'creeper' or a 'Snap On' five drawer fifty-two inch tall tool box.
6) ANYTHING that once belonged to YOUR mother.
7) A new set of tires for her car.
8) Fifty yard line box seat season tickets to ANY NFL games.
9) A shopping cart full of stuff from the 'Dollar' store. It's all about quality, not quantity.

Now that we understand that it's HER birthday and it's not about YOU, let's continue.

Here are my suggestions:
1) A personal massage gift certificate. As long as your lady is not opposed to being semi-naked in front of anyone but you, you're in!

2) Sexy underwear. Did you ever walk by a 'Victoria's Secret' and notice all the guys in there? Guess what? They know something you don't: Women love it when YOU buy them sexy underwear. They enjoy buying them for themselves but the impact is not the same. Why? Because they know how much you hate to shop, let alone in a store full of lace, spandex, satin, and leather. Don't have any clue as to what size she wears? It's very simple Sherlock: Go into your bedroom, open the top drawer of her dresser and remove a bunch. Her size is listed on most tags. Now, write that down before you forget it!

3) Smelly stuff. Don't know what your lady's preferred perfume is? Unless she is bone dry, you should find some bottles either in the bedroom or the bathroom. If she has a dressing room or a dressing table, you might find them there too. If you should decide to ' wing it' and buy her something other than what she wears, a word of advice: Perfume is like art. It's very personal. Just because you like the smell of it at the department store doesn't mean that she might not hurl when she gets her first whiff.

4) Women collect things. Some women like to collect all sorts of useless objects. We have no clue why. Maybe it's so that after we dopey men blow up the world, they'll actually have a use for all that stuff. Until then, we can use these collections to 'add on.' She will just love one more ceramic elephant.

5) A full day 'spa' package. This, she will love. Mud on her face, goop in her hair, paint on her nails, strips of hot wax on her nether regions and sandpaper rubbed on her feet. Who wouldn't love this?! What we consider torture, they consider a 'tune up.'

6) The watch. Women have been using this simple solution as to what to by US for years. It's time to turn the tables. Buy her a nice watch. If she's into 'Disney' characters, find a watch with characters on the face. Same goes for 'Winnie the Pooh,' 'Snuggles,' and 'Care bears.'

7) Listen for hints!! She knows what an oaf you are, and your lack of imagination, so she'll drop subtle little hints throughout the course of the year in regards to her birthday. When she does this, WRITE THEM DOWN! You might have a decent list compiled by the time her big day arrives.

8) Sports accessories. Does you lady like to bowl, ice skate, ski, fish, hunt or go camping? Purchase some personal accessories for her sport or hobby. A tent does not apply. A one person sleeping bag does.

9) Clothing accessories. Notice, I typed ACCESSORIES. These include: Gloves, scarves, ear muffs ( in her favorite color, of course) and socks. Steer clear of shoes, hats, pocket books, purses, belts and bras. Unless you like to live dangerously.

10) A clothing store gift card. Yes, cash disguised as plastic. Go shopping with her and give her your input on what she's trying on. Better yet, shop FOR HER while in the store giving her a sense of your style. This will help her pick out things to wear in the future if she cares to dress for you. DO NOT EXPECT THIS! If she does, consider it a special gift to you.

One more thing: NEVER EVER purchase a vibrator for her. Once she realizes that there is something out there that can satisfy her for more than three minutes, never run out of energy (until the batteries go dead) or roll over and go to sleep, you are history. Happy shopping!

How to get married ---------on a budget!

Remember back in the good old days when people had money? You could buy a house, a car, a big screen television, a whirlwind vacation, get married. Today it's so bad that individuals who used to be billionaires are now only millionaires. Boy, life is tough. But life goes on. Let's say for instance that you want to get married. You've finally found your perfect mate. The love of your life. Someone who shares your likes and dislikes. Someone who DOES eat tree bark or believes in the healing power of crystals or who thinks that an UZI is a 'must have' fashion accessory. Your 'soul mate.' So, what do you do to tie the knot without spending a fortune? If you're a woman, getting hitched for the first time and your last name is Getty, Trump, Rockefeller, or Kennedy, skip this article and go shopping. But if you're a young couple just starting out or you're two divorcees who've 'been there, done that,' the following advice may save you thousands on your wedding costs.

1) Invitations. Let's face it: Do you really need old English script on antique white parchment paper that contains two white doves that are released when the intended guest opens it? Overkill. Of course you could entertain using the other side of the spectrum: Pen ink written requests on cocktail napkins sent by carrier pigeon. What? TOO tacky you say? How about something in the middle? Make your own! Today's personal computers have software installed in them that enables the user to create a customized invitation. It's not hard to do. After you've configured your 'invite' all you need to do now is drive down to your nearest office supply store and buy 'card stock.' A box of 60 costs around $20.00. Simply put the card stock in your printer and watch it print out your invitations. Fold them, stick them in an envelope and you're done.

2) Your dress, his tux. Does it have to be white? Does it have to be new? Does it have to be yours? A formal white evening gown is a viable option. They are considerably less expensive than a conventional wedding dress and you can get more use out of it. What about finding a used one on Craigslist or EBay? How about renting one for the day. There are plenty of websites that let you rent one for the day. Does your intended own a nice suit? If he doesn't, how about a friend or family member. Borrowing or buying a nice suit can be cheaper than renting a tux for the day.

3) The place. Do you absolutely have to get married in a church or chapel? Most churches and or priests charge a pretty substantial fee for this service. To save money, consider having a justice of the peace marry you both. Arrange to have the marriage ceremony performed in the same place that your reception will be held. This saves your guests from having to find some place to go in between the ceremony and the reception. Don't have the money to rent an expensive catering hall for your reception? What about an upscale restaurant with a large private room. How about a local hotel or motel with a nice conference room? Book traveling relatives or friends there and save them the hassle of trying to find an address in a strange city or town. Would you consider a 'Knights of Columbus' hall or a 'Moose lodge' or a V.F.W. hall to house your reception? Most of these places have kitchens inside their meeting halls which will allow you to bring in your own food. Getting creative can sometimes save you thousands.

4) The food. Having friends or relatives volunteer to cook food for your wedding decreases your costs too. Most restaurants offer outside catering services to most any location. They sometimes provide waitresses and servers for you. Don't have enough money in the budget to feed everyone? Consider spending a little bit more for your wedding cake. Most wedding cakes are nothing more than plain chocolate or vanilla cake mix with a sugar frosting on top. Boring and forgetful. Serve your guests a cake TO DIE FOR! Choose many layers with mouth watering fillings. Black forest cake and German chocolate cake are two examples. Serve coffee, tea and soda instead of alcohol. Provide those new 'designer' potato chips, pretzels and a choice of dips to go with the meal. If alcohol is a must, purchase bottles from a supplier if possible and buy your mixers from a 'bulk' store like SAM'S or B.J.'s Wholesale club.

5) The ride there. Do you really have to take a limo from your home to your wedding ceremony? Does a friend or family member own a large sedan or s.u.v.? How about someone with a classic car or roadster? Imagine pulling up in a model 'T' or a 1968 Chevy Camaro.

6) Photos or video. Hiring a professional photographer can be expensive. Since practically everyone on the planet owns a digital camera, cell phone camera, or small hand-held video camera, include a little blurb on your invitation suggesting that everyone who plans to attend bring something along. Another great idea is to purchase those inexpensive single-use film cameras that you can buy for about $5.00 each and place one or two on each table where your guests will be seated. Leave a little note next to them inviting them to take as many pictures of your happy occasion as they'd like. The cost for developing them will be cheaper in the long run. As your guests depart supply them with your email address and ask them to send you the pictures they've taken. Load film stock paper in your home printer and press 'print.' You'll have enough to fill an album in no time. Or, download them onto a CD and send everyone a copy. Oh, and keep one for yourself.

7) The rings. Big tip here: SHOP AROUND!! Prices on rings vary greatly from store to store. Do they have to be gold? 10ct gold is a viable option. How about titanium, sterling silver or stainless steel? Has a parent or relative passed down a ring to you? Consider using one of these.

8) Wedding favors. Can't afford hand blown glass figurines as wedding favors for your guests? Time to get inventive. Try purchasing a roll of colored cellophane film like the kind you wrap Easter baskets in. Cut it into 10' by 10' squares, make a pouch out of it and fill the pouch with Hershey kisses and a one dollar gold coin. The bank sells these for a dollar. Tie the pouch up in ribbon and 'voila,' you have a wedding favor. Your guests can keep the coin as a souvenir or spend it at the 'dollar store'! Good luck and best wishes.

When it's no longer necessary to speak

The Queens, New York neighborhood that I grew up in during the sixties, easily numbered between 50 and 60 kids. We were an adolescent melting pot consisting of Italians, Germans, Irish, English and Africans. Most of us were second or third generation, and we all spoke English. When we weren’t in school, or confined by inclement weather, we were outside because that’s where everything happened. It would not be uncommon to see thirty kids playing tag or stick ball. We would discuss amongst ourselves all the topics of importance: who had the most baseball cards? Who received a new bike for their birthday? Who knew anything about the birds and the bees? Who wanted to be what when they grew up? Our mothers would stand on their porches and call out for us at dinner time, and after literally inhaling our food, we’d practically tear the screen door off its hinges trying to get back to our friends. The only delay would be the obligatory questions from our parents in regards to our day. Outside, we’d play various games until dark until our numbers started to dwindle as our mothers would once again emerge, yell and depart.
No one feared the outside world. If a stranger ever wandered down our street looking for trouble, a child to prey on, he was met by an undivided front, fearless in the protection of one of its own. If all of our collective parents didn’t know each other by name, you can bet they knew the names of every kid from our block. We were a community. If somebody fell ill, or got caught up in drugs, or was in a family crisis, we cared. There were no secrets. We’d never think twice about gathering at someone’s home to offer our help. We held block parties, birthday parties and sleepovers. Our mothers played cards with each other on Wednesday nights and volunteered their time to be den mothers when we became cub scouts. At night, in our homes, we’d watch television together, laugh together, talk to each other.
Fast forward to today. Seldom do you see children playing outside. A child will spend hours alone with a “Game Boy” or “X-Box” or a “Wii.” And those are not exclusively for children. Adults will not hesitate to do the same. A lot of teenagers have discovered “online gaming,” where many of them can log on to a game screen and using a microphone and an assumed name, can communicate with each other while gunning down various antagonists. All while safely alone in their rooms. I can’t speak for anyone else, but the whole concept just creeps me out.
Today we have Facebook and Myspace where kids and adults volunteer personal information about themselves while silently waiting for someone to come along, notice them and then start to “chat,” letting their keyboards do all the work. The days of, “Tell so and so that I like them,” are gone. So are formal introductions. And then there’s email, which has practically replaced the telephone and the spoken word as the new means of communication. No longer do you have to look someone in the eye and tell them they’re fired. Or, you don’t love them anymore. Or, a loved one has died. You can safely hide behind your keyboard, express any thought or emotion, and never say a word. Today, a conversation between two people using their mouths and ears is almost as outdated as a cassette tape.
How did we ever survive without a cell phone? A marvel of our time. The freedom to talk to virtually anyone, anywhere at anytime and how have we, as thinking mammals with functioning voice boxes exploited its versatility? By “text messaging” each other. Genius! Again, we can sidestep the intimate quality of the human voice and read our messages instead.
There are countless numbers of websites that help you find friends, lovers and trysts. No longer do you have to wash up, dress up, and mosey on down to the local bar, supermarket, bookstore, church, or restaurant to meet someone new. Your keystrokes will break the ice and you can pour your heart out to cyberspace. Granted, for those amongst us who are painfully shy this is a godsend, but there is no substitute for the excitement you feel when you are face to face with someone new, look them in the eye and say, “It’s really nice to meet you!”
My opinion is that the modernized human race is slowly evolving into a species that will eventually come full circle. Thousands of years ago we started out as individuals living in caves with no formal means of verbal communication. Slowly, over time, we learned to speak common sounds that would translate into language. From there we taught each other, shared ideas, and connected with each other. We became a community. But the gameboy and online gaming and dating sites and personal sites and emails and text messaging require little to no oral communication. We can isolate ourselves and not have to speak to each other. All sense of community will be lost. We will revert back to what we were: alone, in our caves typing away as our keyboards do all the talking. I can see it now: I’m ninety, in a nursing home and I’m trying to get an attendant’s attention. My bedpan needs to be emptied, but keyboard is useless because, just my luck, I have arthritic fingers. People, talk to each other!

* Used with permission by The Next 50.

CAR TIPS: GAS MILEAGE, WINTER DRIVING, DO IT YOURSELF

Gas prices have started climbing again. It's us against them. Every mile we can squeeze out of a gallon of gas, we win. Here are some helpful tips; some you may know and others you may not.

1) TIRES. Pressure is the key word here and how it affects mileage. During spring, summer and fall, inflate your tires to 4-5 pounds BELOW the maximum recommended pressure printed on the side of each tire. Can't find that information anywhere on the tire? That's because the manufacturer doesn't want you too. Properly inflated tires last longer than improperly inflated tires. It's a no-brainer here. In the automotive world, 32 pounds of pressure is an industry standard. Every garage, tire outlet, and wheel alignment shop all set tire pressure to this number. It's a conspiracy! So, who stands to gain from this practice? The tire manufacturers AND the oil companies. How does this seemingly trivial disparity affect your gas mileage? In two big ways: First, because it is made of rubber, the more air you pump into it, the larger it's circumference grows. And second, as this happens, because it is attached to the rim, the narrower it gets in the process. So what, you may say. Geometry, I say. Those of you who went to school and who actually stayed awake during math class know that as any circular object increases in circumference, the longer it takes to make one revolution. In this case, it covers more ground. Think about it: If your tire is 52" around at 32 pounds of pressure but at 40 pounds of pressure it grows to 52 1/2" around, you cover an extra half inch with every revolution. Now, a half inch may not seem like a lot but over the course of a mile it adds up. How about an extra 50 feet per mile! So, think about how much extra ground you would cover on a 400 mile trip. This translates to more miles per gallon. In this article I mention how a tire gets narrower the more it inflates. How does this help MPG? Well, a narrower tire has less surface area as it rolls along the pavement creating less friction between the tire and road. And we all know what friction does: it slows you down. When tire friction slows you down, your engine has to work harder to keep it at speed. Using more gas. Can you feel your wallet emptying as we speak?

********************IMPORTANT WINTER TIP********************
When bad winter weather approaches and the roads become hazardous, LOWER THE AIR PRESSURE in your tires! What! Didn't I just tell you to pump them up? Yes, but in winter driving with slick and slippery roads, you need as much tire rubber making contact with the road as possible. This increases traction. No, not the traction that comes with a hospital bed, a rope and some pulleys. The traction you'll need to keep your car on the road. How much to take out? It varies from tire to tire but inflating them to just above half of what the maximum is, should do the trick. Is your gas mileage going to get worse now? Not really. You will tend to drive more slowly during these times so it should all balance out.
One more thing: Make sure your car's alignment is correct. An improperly aligned tire will create added friction and we know what that does.

2) Slow down, Mario Andretti! Would you like to see a SIGNIFICANT increase in your gas mileage? Would you like to see me pull a rabbit out of a hat? I never COULD master that trick, but I can tell you how to do the first one. While you are driving, unless you are merging onto a highway, pulling a heavy load, or fleeing pursuing law enforcement (O.J. Simpson excluded) there is no reason to rev your engine to more than half it's rev potential. What's a rev? The actual definition is unimportant here but to say that your ENGINE'S speed is measured in revs. If your car is equipped with a TACHOMETER, that device tells you how fast your engine is going. When it comes to miles per gallon, the goal here is to keep your engine running slowly. Why? Fast engine= more gas. Slow engine= less gas. Pick the best one out of the two. How do you keep your engine slow? Short shift. If you are driving a standard shift car, and you want to accelerate from a dead stop, you DO NOT have to rev the engine all the way up until it screams. Shifting from gear to gear every time your car reaches 2000 on your tachometer will GREATLY improve your gas mileage. Granted, your right hand and arm will be moving faster than you've been accustomed to but think of the savings!!
Here's another tip: DO NOT down shift to slow your car down. The gas money you save far outweighs the cost of brake pads.

3) THE AIR FILTER. A dirty air filter restricts air flow to your engine. Your engine mixes gas and air to make it run. Less air= more gas. Replacing your car's air filter is something you, the reader, can do yourself. Hey, don't run away, come back here. It's not as hard as you think. The hard part is FINDING it. Years ago when engines had carburetors, the air filter sat inside the big black round thing that sat on top of the middle of your engine. You would unscrew a wing nut, lift off the top and 'voila', there it was. It was round and dirty. On today' s cars they could be anywhere.
Look for them to be inside a plastic box of some sort. It might be a round box (huh?) or a square box. It will have duct work (huh?) leading from the front top or bottom of the engine compartment. Look for something with large, removable metal clips that you would undo to lift out something or to separate something. If all else fails, call your brother-in-law. He's not busy anyway. When you do find it, remove it, stomp it to death for costing you so much in gas money and replace it with a new one.

4) WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU REPLACED YOUR ANTI-FREEZE? If you don't remember, you're overdue. The industry standard is about every two years. Keeping your car from over heating and freezing in the winter time is important. Why? It keeps you from walking.