NOT WITH MY EXTRATERRESTRIAL BODY, YOU DON'T!

The year is 1959 and I am just a wee lad, barely over the age of one. There are a host of life threatening perils that many children can face: Lead based paint chips careening off of walls, toddler-aged diseases like measles, chicken pox and meningitis, not to mention drowning and suffocation. But the biggest threat to my young life came from a much scarier source: THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE!

It seems that a team of “Rocket Scientists,” (accidental pun NOT intended) led by Physicist Leonard Reiffel, of the “Armour Research Foundation,” were secretly hatching a plan to send an atom bomb into outer space and letting it detonate on the moon. Guess who else was in on this great idea? Carl Sagan. Yes, the “Billions and billions of stars,“ Carl Sagan.The reason for the secret plan? To show the Russians, who had just launched, “Sputnik” into outer space, that we Americans were the dominant species commanding outer space. Sounds like the plot of a bad  ‘50’s “B” sci-fi film!

Problem #1: What law or idea gives a government the right to punch holes in an unsuspecting planet? Doesn’t the moon get beat up enough by asteroids? Do we really have to give it more of a Swiss cheese look?

Problem #2: Did any of those clowns know exactly what would happen if you opened a can of “Woop ass” on the moon? We’re talking atom bomb here, not a bag full of “Cherry bombs!” What if that explosion could have triggered a seismic event and blew the moon to bits? Think of the cultural destruction it could have caused. We wouldn’t have had songs like, “Moonlight feels right” by Starbuck. Or,”Dancing in the moonlight,” by King Harvest, Van Morrison, or Thin Lizzie. And I like those songs. The lyrics to “Fly me to the moon” would have to be changed to, “Fly me to that floating mass of dust and debris!” Try singing THAT with any real emotion.

Problem #3: What if blowing up the moon didn’t faze the Russians one single bit? I can think of so many better ways to show the Ruskies that we are BAD ASSES. Fly a hot air balloon over Moscow and dump hundreds of 8X10 glossies showing average Americans eating haggis. NOBODY messes with people who eat haggis! If the haggis doesn’t work, replace the photos with pictures of Charles Atlas, Steve Reeves and Vic Tanny. Nobody is more intimidating than a bodybuilder.

Problem #4: What if detonating an atom bomb on the surface of the moon did absolutely nothing? As if the moon pulled down its pants and said, “Kiss this!” Wouldn’t we look stupid!

Thankfully, the project was scrapped and no bombs went off. The official reason for this was that the scientists didn’t want to put the American people in jeopardy. Did cooler heads prevail? Probably not. Little boys shouldn’t play with big bombs in outer space, especially if they don’t REALLY know the outcome.

But the story doesn’t end there.
In case anybody doesn’t remember, the boys at NASA decided that they needed to know whether there is water on the moon. Why, you ask? Well, just in case we need to colonize it when we run out of usable space here, we will have plenty of water to drink and make sno-cones out of.
So, on October 9, 2009, the NASA boys sent LCROSS into space. That’s LUNAR CRATER OBSERVATION AND SENSING SATELLITE for short. The large, empty shell of the rocket booster called “Centaur” weighing 5,081 pounds, (or, for a reference point, a 1973 Cadillac Sedan Deville with four occupants) impacted on the moons south pole with the equivalent force of 2 tons of T.N.T sending a plume of  dust and debris high above the moons surface. It was later analyzed by NASA and was said to contain water vapor. Go figure! The smaller shepherding spacecraft weighing only 1,369 pounds impacted on the moon minutes later causing a much smaller vapor plume than the first.

Some may argue that the earths weather patterns have been completely wacky since we punched some holes in that big, round piece of cheese, but I myself tend to think that global warming is the real culprit. At least the NASA boys didn’t blow it to bits!

WHEN A PERSON BECOMES A COMMODITY

On January 1, 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed into effect the Emancipation Proclamation thereby directing that “All persons held as slaves are and henceforth shall be free.” In our countries history, this document by far is one of the most defining moments of our leap forward as a culture. But is it?

In the world of human trafficking, over 27 MILLION are enslaved globally with 4.5 MILLION of those people enslaved as sex slaves. Sickening statistics at best but not a worry here in the United States where a wise, long dead man had the guts to buck an otherwise popular system. But guess what? We are not immune for between 100,000 and 300,000 children are enslaved here in the United States as the victims of sex trafficking. And even worse (if there is such a thing) is that they are between the ages of 12 to 14.
Do I have your attention NOW?! Has that sick feeling turned to anger yet? Have you just been educated?

Who do we blame for this? I blame MEN (not all men) for these heinous crimes. Why? Well, call me old fashioned but I have firmly believed for most of my adult life that mans’ role here on this planet is to protect, nurture and provide for the female of the species. As purely as a way to guarantee the proliferation of the species, females need to be protected. These are our children, our daughters, our sisters who are being abducted and forced into a life of hell. Certain men view women and children as commodities to be captured and sold into an underworld of supply and demand. They supply the product and men (not all men) feed the demand. And what is that demand? The basest of the male species desires: Sex. Men (not all men) have let us down. They (not all) have failed the female. They need to be punished.

In the lead up to Super Bowl XLIX, law enforcement officials in 17 states arrested 600 people (mostly men) engaged is sex acts with human slaves and rescued 68 victims of human trafficking. Fourteen were JUVENILES. This vile behavior is happening right here under our noses. So, how do you put a stop to such a lucrative business that generates 13 BILLION dollars annually for the criminal industry? Eliminate the demand. Men need to step up. Somewhere there is a man who knows a man who knows another man who engages in these practices. The whistle must be blown. The curtain has to be pushed aside. The secret must unfold. If you or anyone you know has information regarding these terrible acts then you must come forward. If you engage in such acts then take a good long look in the mirror and see what the scum of the earth looks like and decide whether to be a good man or remain a useless carbon based life form.

THE TYLERVISION SHOW ON YOUTUBE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLJ71bCmEEo

HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?!

One of the definitions of the word “Trend” is “A current style,” which forms the basis for this column. It seems that a current trend among certain individuals is to wear their pants far below the comfort height of the masses. While it is within every persons right to express their individuality, there comes a point where such expression borders on ridiculousness and just plain out bad taste. Let’s examine the how’s and why’s of this trend together.

How did it start?
I can only imagine that some youngster, somewhere, had the misfortune to come upon a plumber kneeling before a kitchen cabinet exposing his butt to an unsuspecting world. This youngster, being the innovative leader that he was decided, “Hmmm…I can beat THAT!” and set forth to place his belt loops where no belt loops had gone before. HE was a pioneer. HE was a trendsetter. Sadly, everyone after him who sought to lower their “expectations” was a copycat, a follower, an imitator. It was merely a matter of time before belt loops reached a new low. No one likes to be outdone!

Why would you wear your pants on your thighs? I can only guess at a few reasons.
1) These young men all suffer from I.B.S. (irritable bowel syndrome for those that didn’t know) and have to be able to un belt and squat at a moments notice. Pulling down your pants in a crisis just takes too much time.
2) Maybe all these young men suffer from too much gas from eating spicy foods and this allows them the means to “air out” so to speak. Good for them, bad for us.
3) Maybe it is an attempt to capture the opposite sex. Giving the girls a preview of what’s to come, albeit hidden behind long, cotton, boxers. Kind of like driving a car before you buy it.
4) Maybe it is a way to attract the SAME sex. Let’s be honest boys, you’re showing us the BACK HALF versus the FRONT HALF! Just a theory, of course.
5) Maybe it is a concerted conspiracy by the producers of “Fruit of the loom,” “Hanes,” and “Calvins,’ for a new type of “Product placement,” using men’s behinds as cheap billboards. I’m just sayin’…………..
6) Maybe it is just a statement and that statement is, “I just don’t care anymore about modesty!”

Viewing this trend strictly from a fashion point of view, BOXERS! REALLY! Is that the BEST you can do? They are antiquated at best, have the worst patterns on the planet and do nothing to enhance a young males physique. If you are going to show us something, at least be innovative enough to show us some bikini briefs or go all out and put on that thong that you’ve been hiding in your nightstand. THAT would REALLY set a TREND!

There are many things one cannot do whilst wearing pants around ones thighs. Running is one, climbing would be another, certainly a job interview would not go well as would being best man at your buddies wedding. Unless of course, his pants are around his ankles too. Imagine you are walking to a job interview and a Bengal tiger escapes from the local zoo and he is heading your way. You can’t even run to that tree to save your life. See what a problem this can cause?

Lastly, what this trend does is embarrass people. Who? Women, old, young, married, single, widowed, and in nuns habits. The two people embarrassed the most? Their parents, because this means that they have failed to do a good job. And no parent wants to see their kid walking around with his butt hanging out. THAT usually stops around age five.
Pull your pants up and think of another way to express your individuality. And put the belt companies out of business in the process.
Peace.

The Top 10 Reasons Why I, Ray Librandi Should Be On The Ellen Degeneres Show

1) Like Ellen, I am an Italian comedian originally from New York.
2) We have a major preference in common: We both like Women.
3) I’m a firm believer in the saying, “Porsche: (Portia) Except no substitute!
4) I have a lot of funny stories to tell.
5) I’m charismatic, good looking and interesting.
6) I have the most amazing life-changing story to tell!
7) It will be a ratings bonanza for her show: Every Librandi will be watching and there are a lot of us!
8) I’ve always wanted to visit California.
9) It will be a great boost for my writing career!
10) Real people are much more interesting than celebrities.

There are no LIVE NUDE GIRLS! here!

Contrary to popular belief, P.T. Barnum was not the originator of the phrase, “There’s a sucker born every minute!” That distinction belongs to someone else but the fact remains that people are just as gullible and easily manipulated today as they were decades ago. It is this idea that forms the basis of this column.
How gullible you say? Well, back in the early nineties, a man named Bernie Madoff was touting himself as the investment banker that could GUARANTEE a hefty return on your investment should you decide to use his company. His last name should have been a foreboding clue but in hindsight, the thought of making a killing on an investment clouded everyone’s eyes. It wasn’t until 1999 that financial analyst Harry Markopolos informed the SEC that he believed it was mathematically impossible to achieve the gains that Madoff promised to deliver. After only four hours of failed attempts trying to replicate Madoff’s numbers, did he realize that Madoff was a fraud. He was ignored by the Boston SEC in 2001 and further ignored when he took his findings to the New York SEC in 2005 and 2007. The Madoff “Ponzi” scheme was uncovered by none other than his two sons. When they went to their fathers swanky apartment to confront him on his plan to pay out 173 MILLION in bonuses, the elder Madoff broke down and confessed. He stated that he had “Nothing left” and that he was “Finished,” his investment fund was “Just one big lie” and “Basically, a giant Ponzi scheme.
How were the dozens upon dozens of investors duped? Easy, they believed every word this charming, charismatic, easy going con man had to say. On December 11, 2008, he was arrested and charged with securities fraud.
Let’s move on. When a six year old boy wakes from a two month coma and paralyzed, you might want to hear what he has to say, especially when upon waking he tells this fantastic story of dying and going to heaven. You read right, folks, heaven. And quite honestly, who would doubt such an innocent lad with such a detailed and wondrous story to tell.
His story was so compelling that Tyndale House, a major Christian publisher published a whole book detailing the boy’s story. The book, “The boy who came back from heaven” was written by the boy and his father. The boy’s name: Alex Malarkey. AHA!! A CLUE!! Lifeway Christian Resources, a denominational publisher which own a chain of religious bookstores couldn’t keep the book on the shelves. They sold out as fast as they were put out. The story gave hope to millions that maybe there was something more after we pass. And this is a good thing, except……….one day, an open letter to Christian bookstores, posted on the “Pulpit and pen” website, young Alex Malarkey flatly states, “I did not die, I did not go to heaven!” WAIT…WHAT?! His clarifying statement: “I said I went to heaven because I thought it would get me attention. I haven’t even read the bible!” Alex Malarkey did not receive one penny from the sale of his book but his father did. The book deal with Tyndale was exclusive only with the boy’s father, Kevin Malarkey. Duped again! Pity the poor souls who doled out hard earned money for a piece of fiction disguised as fact.
And the lies continue! What does a gothic hip-hop artist performing under the name, ”Black Madam” and unlicensed body sculpting have in common? Should be nothing, but Padge Victoria Winslowe, dubbed “the Michelangelo of buttocks injections” had a very lucrative business injecting industrial grade silicone and Krazy Glue (I kid you not) into the gluteus-maximus of unsuspecting performers. A 20-year-old exotic dancer from London was coaxed into an airport hotel room where Winslowe proceeded to give the girl a “touch up” during what is being dubbed as a “pumping party.” After dancer Claudia Aderotimi started having trouble breathing following the injections, Winslowe fled the motel room, leaving the girl to die later that same day. Just before her pretrial, Winslowe, 45, of Philadelphia, told the judge, “God’s blessed my hands with everything I touch. I make lots of money, in lots of ways.” Winslowe was later convicted of murder. How could someone be tricked into thinking that a rapper who goes under the name “Black Madam” could safely perform cosmetic surgery in a hotel room? Simple! The woman stated that she was a “nurse practitioner” in training. I could go around claiming to be the King of Spain but who would believe me? Many, I’m guessing if I was convincing enough.
When it comes to manipulating the masses, nobody does it better than the media. How many times have we seen the phrases, “poses nude, poses topless, wardrobe malfunction, sex tape or personal nude photographs” in the headlines? Too many times! Most times these titillating teasers are meant for men to send them running to see and read the lurid details. And far too often they are just a ruse to get your attention and snare you into their little trap. People are so trusting that they will fall for the same gag over and over.
There is an old saying: “If something looks too good to be true, it probably is” Wiser words have yet to be said. If one day you find yourself vacationing in Vegas and a man walks up to you and introduces himself as a land developer and hands you a business card with the name “I. M. Conman” on it, RUN!!

The Top 10 reasons Donald Trump should be the next President....not!

1) He can erase the national debt!
Having filed for bankruptcy FOUR times, he knows how to stick it to creditors. He’ll simply declare the U.S. bankrupt and screw all the foreign countries that we owe money to. it’s a WIN-WIN for everybody!
2) He must be a master at foreign relations!
Having been married three times and divorced twice, DOMESTIC relations he is clueless about.
3)There will be NO SCANDALS in his White House!
With his incredible ability to cover up an obvious bald spot, any scandal that could possibly develop will simply DISSAPPEAR.
4)He will be good for employment.
It’s going to take lots of manpower the write TRUMP all over everything. The “White House” will now be the “Trump House.” All currency will say, “IN TRUMP WE TRUST!” “TRUMP” will have to be painted on AIR FORCE 1. And every reference to “The United States of America” will have to be changed to, “The United States of Trump”
5) He will pick an excellent cabinet.
With his keen sense of knowing how to HIRE AND FIRE someone, his cabinet is insured lasting success.
6) Extremely efficient.
With all of his millions, the man wears the same white shirt and pink tie over and over and over…………….
7)He OWNS the Miss Universe pageant.
As a self-professed “knower of real beauty,” Miss America is a shoe-in to win every time.!
8)He doesn’t cow tow to pressure groups.
Having never served in the armed forces, he can ignore veterans wants and demands. He’s never had a REAL JOB so being pushed around by the labor unions is not likely to happen. He can’t knuckle under to pressure from religious groups because he can’t be Catholic (divorced twice) and is a “big believer in freedom of religion”--quote
9) Save taxpayers money because he doesn’t have to be paid.
Because he touts himself as a GAZILLIONAIRE, he won’t need a paycheck. His real net worth is estimated at only 200 million.
10) It will be easy to fill the TRUMP LIBRARY. He has supposedly written NINE books, 7 with the word ‘TRUMP” in the title. No need for any other literature.