Too much information

Privacy n., pl. -cies 1 a being private; seclusion 2 secrecy 3 one’s private life.
There was a time when the only information offered up by an individual to an unconcerned world was their inherent religious beliefs. Jews wore yarmulkes, Mennonite women wore baskets on their heads, Amish men wore straw hats, east Indians had dots on their foreheads and so on and so forth. These simple attributes provided information about a person without uttering a single word. A simple gold band or a diamond worn on the fourth finger of the left hand also provided enough information as to whether a person was single or attached. Skin color, eye color, hair color, and eye shape also provide information about an individual.
Long ago, there were certain situations called, “secrets.” If you had one, the object was to not release the information hidden inside the secret. The secret could have been about any number of things: a secret love, a secret pregnancy, a secret crime, secret plans, secret hideaways, secret preferences for a mate. People used to tell each other secrets and swear them to secrecy. The whole concept seems lost in that respect. Occasionally a secret would “get out” meaning someone didn’t hold up their end of the bargain.
Where am I leading with all this? Too much information. It’s the latest catch phrase of the decade. Privacy is dead and buried. And for enough money, you can purchase the contents of a lot of secrets. How did all this happen? I blame “Divorce Court.” If you grew up watching black and white television, then you can remember divorce court. It was in essence the beginning of “Reality T.V.” We would watch in awe as husbands and wives aired their dirty laundry for the world to see, while a judge listened intently before rendering a final decision. It was the ultimate, “fly on the wall” experience. The mildest form of voyeurism. But that wasn’t enough. No, we had to have more. The television show, “The Dating Game” provided America with yet more unsolicited information regarding certain “average Jane” females likes and dislikes towards eligible bachelors. And they in turn volunteered even more juicy, personal and private information. Day after day, week after week, year after year. The same genius behind the dating game also gave us, “The Newlywed Game.” It was inevitable. Push the envelope of privacy just a little bit further. I have to admit, I laughed like a mental patient at some of the answers given. The obvious object of the show was to entertain, but in the process, doors that were meant to be closed were unceremoniously opened. Discretion would be weighed and flaunted. Secrets were no longer guarded with vigor. The “People’s Court” saw to that. Judge Wapner became a household name and a viable celebrity.
Soon, even more signs of unwanted information began to appear. “Mood Rings” came along to alert us all to whether someone was suicidal, homicidal or horny. Pregnant women rode the bandwagon with their BABY tee-shirts, letting the south pointing arrow do the explaining. At least that bit of info. answered the unasked question: too much pizza and beer? Soccer moms hung their “baby on board” signs from their mini-vans and station wagons. More unsolicited information. Did I really need to know that? Was that meant to squash any premeditated notion of myself gleefully ramming my car into the back of theirs? I think not. Oh, and lets not forget bumper stickers. Aren’t we all better off knowing that so-and-so’s child is an honor roll student at such-and-such school? For some, cars are just rolling billboards enabling them to provide us with too much information.
Tattoos are certainly a colorful way to share someone’s information. Names, dates, locations, religious persuasion and even gender bias can all be gleaned from inked skin. I think of it as someone just screaming for attention. Kind of like people who write columns on wacky subjects. Hmmmnn…… anyway, cell phone users fall into the category of individuals providing us with too much of their information. First off, it’s a phone. It’s not two tin cans tied together by string. You don’t have to yell into it for the person on the other end to hear you. Unless of course the other person is deaf. I am tired of inadvertently eavesdropping on other people’s conversations. You are not that important. Your life is not that intriguing. I don’t care what you have to say. And the high tech geeks with “Star Trek” phones pierced through their upper earlobes sound like schizophrenics walking down the street talking to themselves. We used to run away from people like that!
That wonderful invention “The internet” is now providing millions with the opportunity to tell all the world about themselves. “Youtube,” “Myspace,” “Facebook,” are just a few examples of where one can go to gain further unwanted information. We can hear about this one’s rehab stint or that one’s relationship break-up or everyone’s divorce plans even before the parties involved know about it. There are no more secrets. Lives are open books for anyone to read. Papparazzi are every where and are taking pictures of everything. Camera’s in cell phones. Wire taps on land lines. Reality shows permeate the airwaves. Where will it all end? The other day while sitting outside my favorite coffee house, a young woman walked by wearing a tee-shirt that read: nobody knows I’m a lesbian. I thought, “gee, nobody knows that I’m heterosexual, but thanks for sharing!”

Recession over? Not by a long shot.

Don't believe the hype. A slight upturn in GDP. So what. The "cash for clunkers" plan accomplished that. Housing value up slightly. For the homeless, renters, room mates, and terrorists on the run, who cares? Walk into any mall. See anybody? Stroll into the SBARROS there at lunch time. See all the empty tables. Oh, and SBARROS is pronounced "sparrows" for those of you with bad eye/mouth coordination. Take a trip down to your local LOWES at 9:00 a.m. See any Contractors? No? You know why? Because they're all at home with a noose tied around their necks. Of course the other end is tied to the ceiling fan and we all know how sturdy they are. See all the cars and trucks for sale? See any "want ads?" No? You know why? Because there are no jobs!! See all those half-finished homes and commercial buildings? All those empty store fronts that used to house thriving businesses? Are these signs of a recovery? See gas prices rising again? Are you going to spend ANY money on anything if you think gas is going to go through the roof again? No, you won't. Are we screwed? You bet. How do we get out of this? The easy way out is a loaded gun in your throat. Of course, that option contains pain and a lot of blood. That route only creates a job for the mortician. See, a bright spot! Seriously, the only way out of this is to 1) Downsize. Dump the gym membership. Let's face it, you haven't dragged your lazy ass there in months. Cablevision. Do you really need 6,000 channels? It's all mindless drivel anyway. Cancel it. Spend more time reading, talking to your kids, and jogging. You'll have to now that you cancelled the gym. Eating out. This is a no-brainer. With the money you save you'll be able to buy groceries for the week. Read a cookbook. You have the time now that you've cancelled cable. Cut up your credit cards. The bank is going to cancel them anyway. Fire the house keeper. Clean your house yourself. You can, thanks to being in great shape from the jogging. See a pattern here? Sell that S.U.V.! A station wagon can fit anything you want. It will cost you less at the pump. And you can all fit into it now that you've all stopped watching T.V., eating out, and started cleaning the house together. The jogging hasn't hurt either.

Outsource your decision making process!

Why not? Seems these days everyone is outsourcing something. Why not outsource making a decision? Can't decide which car to buy for your college age kid? Ask me. Give me the particulars i.e., budget, @ miles driven annually, male or female, whether you care if they still love you for buying them a sky blue 1978 Ford Granada, etc., etc. and I will tell you the right car to purchase. How can I do this? Because I'm smarter than you! No, really, I am. All kidding aside, the truth is that according to my I.Q. test results, I have a logical mind. Great for solving puzzles, analyzing complex problems and making the correct decision. What people used to call "common sense." So, don't know what to make for dinner tonight? How many are you feeding? What's in the fridge right now? Can you follow a recipe? Is there someone you'd like to poison but not leave any evidence? Ask me, I'll tell you what to make. I'll even throw in a recipe! But not for poisoning. I have to draw the line somewhere. Has someone asked you to marry them? Can't make a decision? Give me the facts and I will give you the answer. Should you add a room to your house? Dormer or out the back? These questions and more can be answered. Trust me. Would I steer you wrong? Wanna buy some land in AZ.? Just kidding. So, what are you waiting for? Who else in this world is going to give you free, unsolicited advice? ME!! I await your quandary.