A MESSAGE OF HOPE FROM GOD

God came to me in a dream last night. He wasn't what I was expecting. He appeared to me as the diminutive actress Linda Hunt who starred in "The year of living dangerously" and most recently as "Stella" in the western, "Silverado." I said to him, "Oh my God, you're Linda Hunt!" She said, "Who were you expecting, Morgan Freeman?" I told her no and that I couldn't put a face on such an inexplicable entity. She smiled and sat next to me. She was at least half my size. I told her that for a God, she was pretty tiny. She said that the idea of God is small but not easily understood by many. She said that it was people who made God large and foreboding. "Good point," I said. "So, what do you want?" I asked. She said, "I have a list of things I'd like you to share with your readers and I like your style." I was flattered. Immediately, Charlton Heston and John Denver were in the room saying, "Hey, what about me?!" but Ms. Hunt silenced them by saying that they were dead and didn't have a blog. "Oh, yeah, right," they said and were gone.

 She then handed me a list of demands that she had made. I asked her why she needed a list? Why couldn't she just appear to everyone and tell them herself? She said, "Billions of people believe in me in some way or another. But, if I WERE to appear and claim to be God, who would believe me?" "Right," I said. "You'd be sharing a padded cell with other crazies!" "Exactly, and it's why I have you," she said. So, here, now, is the list that God gave me.

1) Don't call me unless it's an emergency!
Do you have any idea what reversed long distance charges do to my cell phone minutes? I have the trillion minute plan but I still get hit with the extra charge when I go over. And why do you insist on calling me while you're making love? it's always, "OH GOD!....OH GOD!....and I come running like a fool. And then I have to watch you make those silly faces. Very embarrassing! Oh, and another thing: I'm sick to my stomach at seeing you all naked. Have any of you looked at yourselves in the mirror lately? You've all swelled up like drowning victims. Here's some advice: Eat the fishes but pass on the loaves. Jeesh!

2) Must you pepper your conversations using my name ALL the time?
When I'm talking to my angels you don't hear me saying, "JERRY CLARK, how many times do I have to tell you guys to stop with the singing and rejoicing all the time. For BOB'S sake, can't a deity get some quiet around here once in a while?!" See how annoying that is? So, stop it or else. It's no skin off my nose to whip up some more hurricane Katrina's. What the hell, you blame ME for them anyway.

3) I am NOT pissed off. Stop blaming me for natural disasters, disease, famine, weather, and death.
Has it ever occurred to any of you that I am not angry? That I am not the cause of your strife? I have too much multi-tasking to do than to make mischief. In fact, I ignore you most of the time. Look, I built this whole place and stuck you on it. It is not cost effective to tear it all to pieces. You all do a pretty good job of that yourselves. Although, I DID do that big tsunami a few years back. Did you see how dirty you made my beach? How the hell else am I supposed to clean it? So, again, take responsibility for what happens around you. Don't think that I'll always come and bail you out like some drunken frat boy. Grow up, be responsible! If you don't, I WILL toss an asteroid your way. I did it before and I'll do it again!

4) Stop killing each other saying that I told you so.
I do not sanction death in my name. Besides, you've all got it all wrong. All of your separate dogma points to me in some way or another. But it has been by your own hands that you have edited my thoughts. You have all claimed to know what I am thinking. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I only think about one thing: How soon to the next round of "American Idol" tryouts. That stuff is funnier than 69 virgins. LOL!! So, stay out of my head. Put down your weapons and call a cease fire. I don't want you to kill anymore of my science experiment! Or, I'll evolve you all back into apes!

5) There really is no heaven or hell.
THAT was just bad press. Pure propaganda! There are only two absolutes that affect you all: Good and bad. You all should know the difference by now. Respect for nature and all my inventions is good. Processed food is bad. The only exception is ice cream. That's good AND bad. Heaven and hell are the choices you make. You either live your life treating others with respect and love (Heaven) or you commit pain and suffering to every one and every thing around you (Hell) I give you all ONE CHANCE to get it right. Don't waste it. You "Buddhists" are another story.

6) Don't ask me why you're there.
That's my little secret. Just enjoy yourselves while you can. It doesn't matter why you're there. It doesn't end when you do, I'll tell you that much. Each of you becomes a tiny part of the whole. There won't be any music, harps, clouds or dead relatives. You will reach a new level of consciousness. Do you know that weightless feeling you feel right before you pass out from too much "Jack Daniels?" THAT'S what death feels like. Don't be afraid. Be kind to each other. Love each other. Be nice to my planet or I'll make it so hot, you'll need 1,000,000 sun block.